STORY ON THE WORKS

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By flames809 - 8/19/2009
FLAMES809 STORY



TITLE- UNKNOWN



"Yo Joseph, we need to talk." Paul as he entered the laboratory of a young man, studying a document in the computer. "What is it, can't you see I'm busy?"
As he speaks, a small girl steps from behind Paul. "Bro, can you stop and talk for a second?" with a displeased tone in his voice, Joseph responds. "Fine, I'm all ears what ya want."
Sitting right on top of on his desk, the girl starts to speak. "We want to quit." a confused look comes across Josephs face as he looks at his older sister. "Being heroes. We've been doing it so long, we can't even remember what it feels like to be normal!" "Wait, you want to quit? Give up on everything we've worked for?" Joseph responded sharply. His voice getting louder as he spoke.
"Joseph, listen..." staring at him, he ignored the tears starting to well in her eyes. "No, you listen. We've come too far to quit now, do you realize how many people we've helped ? How many lives we've saved? How many people will die, no because you want to feel normal? People like Dad and Chris and even our master!"
"We can't change the past and the future, Joe. We have to move on with our lives." calmly she put her hand on his shoulder, he shrugged it off, and turned to face computer work again. "You can move on all you want. I'm staying right here."
"Okay, little brother. You know where to find me if you need me."
"Yupp, I sure do."
"Will you still be at my wedding?" walking towards the door, she stops and leans against the frame, to finish the conversation. "Ya know, I wouldn't miss it that something special ."
"Good, just making sure. Love ya, bro." with that last sentence she walked out of the lab. For, at least in her mind, what would be the last time.JOESPH STOOD THERE TALKING TO THE COMPUTER "YO COMPUTER CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND SEND 6 LETTERS TO TYLER,Ethan,JACK,MILEY,LUCY,AND gabrial" SAID JOESPH 'OK SIR ANYTHING ELSE" ,"YES ON THE LETTER WRITE COME TO CENTRAL PARK THAT'S WERE I WILL MEET THEM IF THEY WANT TO KNOW HOW TO CONTROL THERE POWERS I WILL BE WAITING THERE NEXT TO THE POUND" , THAT'S IT SIR " SAID PC,YES COMPUTER AND THERE ADDRESS IS IN MY FOLDER" "OK SIR" SAID PC. "Can i answer you a question sir" said PC, "yes what is you also want to quick" said Joesph, "i cant quit im a computer anyways sir how do you know these kids and what was the first time you fought with your old team mates cause i never remember you ever telling me this" said PC. "I know PC im playing with you well our fist fight was in time square i remember like it was yesterday i was only 14 my sister was 15, Paul was 14, john was 15 he was the leader and Micheal was 16 she was the hot girl on the team we was battling our first villain he had the power to control gravity he was kinda hard to beat but we did it a guy named Mr.stars who was like our master who taught us to control our powers told us what to do to take down this gravity guy he told Paul to turn to liquid water then freeze the villain arms cause that were his energy game from and he told me to distract him i was like what the fuck do you want me to die while the other three were saving the people around that area" Joesph stop for a while and just stared at a old newspaper were it showed a picture of them fighting lord gravity."sir are you there
" yelled PC "yea i am"said Joesph "keep telling me the story its getting interested" said PC ,"OK PC after Paul froze lord gravity hand i couldn't touch him cause i could of melted the ice and started it all over again but john took lord gravity out cause what ever he touch his body turns in to it like a shield then these guys came in and took lord away and they put a metal thing on his hand i thing it was to shut his power down but they weren't cops or anything like that and that's it" said Joesph. 'know about the kids i was at the hospital cause i was hurt in battle but i lied i told the doctors that i was beat up by a gang and all these kids were at this one hospital and all this kids fever were all at the same rank the doctors didn't know what they had but i did they were getting there powers and after that i keep my eyes on them for a long time" said Joesph "so you were spying on them" said PC "no i was look after them not spying PC"
"i know i just like to mess with you sir", "i hate when you do that PC".
"so what ever happen to your dad and Chris? said PC
"why do you keep asking me question" said Joesph while sitting down on his chair reading a about a weird explosion that happen two weeks ago
,"cause i want to know about Chris you never mention him before" said PC ,OK and this will be the last story i will tell you then you go back to work said Joesph "OK sir'. "he was our sixth member of the team he's dad left him when he was a just born and he lived with his mom Dr.stars took him out of the street and made him part of the team he didn't have powers but he wanted he was a really good fighter he knew martial art and he taught us some fighting moves he was part of our knew family , he was sent on his first mission it was only me and him we went to this building but we never knew it was full with explosion he went inside to stop nuclear bomb to be launch and he did and when he did the building exploding and his body was never found my job was to protect him i failed to and i was blame for it by his mother every one went to the funeral but i didn't" said Joesph in a low voice know that it go back to work ima go to and do my job and when you done shut done for to day" said Joesph 'OK sir".
"yo PC did you send the mails to the kids i told you to send" said Joesph in a angry loud voice
"yes i did sir and why are you mad" said PC
"im mad because i been wait here in central park since 8 a.m and know is 4 pm" said Joesph a women walking right by him stares at him in a weird way
"what you looking at" said Joesph to the women
"me sir im looking at a baseball game it is a really good game"
"not you PC" said Joesph the women just keep on walking yea you better walk and stop starring at people the women went back to Joesph and slap the shit out of him and started walking back the way she was going Joesph hand turn on fire "luckily bluetooth didn't fall out my ears or she would of get it" said Joesph
"sir i got to leave you i got another phone call said PC
"PC do not pick up the other call or you.......... shit he picked up the other call" said Joesph.
"so you must be they guy that's going to teach me how to control my powers"
'and you must be" said Joesph starring at the black hair kid,with a white t shirt and jean pants and white and black nicks
"im Ethan Gomez"
"oh and what power do you have" said Joesph in a nice voice
"don't you see the wind blowing around like crazy" said Ethan
"so you have wind powers" said Joesph in a stupid way
"and what kind of power you have guy in the suit aren't you hot in the suit cause its 80 degrees" said Ethan looking at Joesph weird
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Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 3:16 PM
dude, Ozy. The kids writing his very first story. The point is to get help, pointers, ideas, etc. Help the kid out, he's new.
Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 3:18 PM
Alright Flames, you need to slow it down, work on some grammar issues, and think about your words a little bit. Your rushing too much, at some description in there, not just dialogue.
Stumblin - 8/19/2009, 3:18 PM
What the hell is this gibberish?
flames809 - 8/19/2009, 3:29 PM
josl- OK were did i did wrong here

stumblin- what?
Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 3:32 PM
First, ignore people like that. They are stupid and don't know how to offer constructive criticism.
I don't mean to offend you. But your grammar is really off. Which is going to make it hard to understand what your saying. Which is why Stumblin above called it Gibberish. Give me a few and I'll write you back.
Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 5:06 PM
Ok. I'm back. Check this out. Here's what you typed.



"YO JOESPH WE ALL NEED TO TALK TO YOU SAID" PAUL,"WHAT IS IT PAUL DON'T YOU SEE IM DOING SOMETHING" SAID JOESPH ,"YO BRO CAN U JUST STOP FOR ONES AND LISTEN TO US" SAID JOESPH SISTER. "OK WHAT DO YA WANT TO TELL ME IM ALL EARS" SAID JOESPH ,"WE ALL WANT TO QUICK BEING SUPERHEROS" SAID JOESPH SISTER , HOLD ON "HIS IS WHAT ALL OF YA WANT TO TELL THAT YA WANT TO QUIT AND HAVE A NORMAL LIFE", "YES JOESPH SAID" HIS SISTER ,"SO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DIE LIKE OUR FATHER AND CHRIS! DID" SAID JOESPH, "BUT FATHER DEATH AND CHRIS WASN'T OWNER FAULT IT WAS JUST THERE TIME TO GO" SAID HIS SISTER. "BUT IT WAS MY FAULT I WAS WITH DAD WHEN HE DIED I COULD OF STOP THE ROBBERS BUT I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO AND I LEFT CHRIS TO DIE WHEN THE BUILDING EXPLODED" SAID JOESPH, "BUT IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT YOU WERE JUST A KID AND KNOW YOUR AN ADULT ", "I JUST DON'T WANT NOBODY TO DIE LIKE THAT AND YA COULD LEAVE YA" "OK BRO BUT REMEMBER IM GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH I HOPE YOU IN MY WEDDING".
"I WILL BE THERE SISTER I PROMISE YOU" SAID JOESPH JOESPH SISTER AND PAUL LEFT THE LAB



and here's what I typed. Now, mind you. I don't know much about the story.

"Yo Joseph, we need to talk." Paul as he entered the laboratory of a young man, studying a large stack of papers. "What is it, can't you see I'm busy?"
As he speaks, a small girl steps from behind Paul. "Bro, can you stop and talk for a second?" with a displeased tone in his voice, Joseph responds. "Fine, I'm all ears."
Sitting right on top of the papers on his desk, the girl starts to speak. "We want to quit." a confused look comes across Josephs face as he looks at his baby sister. "Being heroes. We've been doing it so long, we can't even remember what it feels like to be normal!" "Wait, you want to quit? Give up on everything we've worked for?" Joseph responded sharply. His voice getting louder as he spoke.
"Joseph, listen..." staring at him, he ignored the tears starting to well in her eyes. "No, you listen. We've come too far to quit now, do you realize how many people we've helped? How many lives we've saved? How many people will die, because you want to feel normal? People like Dad and Chris!"
"We can't change the past, Joe. We have to move on with our lives." calmly she put her hand on his shoulder, he shrugged it off, and turned to face his papers again. "You can move on all you want. I'm staying right here."
"Okay, big brother. You know where to find me if you need me."
"Yupp, I sure do."
"Will you still be at my wedding?" walking towards the door, she stops and leans against the frame, to finish the conversation. "Ya know, I wouldn't miss it for the world."
"Good, just making sure. Love ya, bro." with that last sentence she walked out of the lab. For, at least in her mind, what would be the last time.



Now, this is just something I threw together real quick. But, do you see the extra descriptiveness. Showing emotion? letting the reader know what they are doing? that helps the reader to understand exactly what is going on.

Like I said, I don't want to offend you or anything. But, your grammar and punctuation are all wrong. People won't even try to read your story because they wont be able to understand it. It took me quite a while just to figure it out.
Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 5:09 PM
Also, you need to open with something else. Or people are just going to be confused. Try starting the story with the original team fighting a villain. Show the fight, use a lot of description, make the reader feel like they know the characters, or none of the above is going to mean anything to them. They don't know who they are so why would they care if they break up? You should also explain how this 24 year old guy knows all of these teenagers. Make him a volunteer at a youth group, or something like that. I mean I'm 24 and I can't say I know any sixteen year olds that I'm not related too. Know what I mean?
flames809 - 8/19/2009, 6:10 PM
josl damm u did better than me and ima take wat u wrote and put it up if it doesn't matter with you and ima change the beginning

anil- i will take my time i just had to rusd it cause my sister was rushing me to get off the pc
Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 6:15 PM
Dude, Go for it. I would suggest that you don't use it word for word. Just because that makes it less yours, and when it's all said and done. your not going to feel the amount of pride that you should for such a great accomplishment. Your doing great though. You just lack experience. But, to gain experience at anything. you have to keep doing it, and learn from others who are willing to help. Just remember what I said, don't worry about rushing into the story right away. Worry about developing your characters. Maybe, you could try doing what I do. Map out all or at least most of the key events you want in the story. Slowly fill in the rest with the minor things. and than, at the end. Go through figure out what your characters should be feeling, what they should be doing. How they should be acting. It's a time consuming way about it. But, I've found it most affective. And than, when you are done. Start writing, and make changes as necessary.
flames809 - 8/19/2009, 6:20 PM
yea josle im changing it right know and are you writing a hero story?
DDD - 8/19/2009, 6:23 PM
Extremely well re-written Joslezio, to show how it needs to be done!

Listen to Joslezio Flames...he speaks the honest truth...don't ever quit because someone negatively crticizes you...NEVER! You only get better by striving and striving and striving again! And listening to others who have already struggled and wrestled with words, someone with experience in the trenches!

Take your time writing it down like Rickly said. Pick up a thesaurus or use Thesaurus.com., it also has a dictionary. Use more adjectives (descriptive words), for emotion and atmosphere, like Joslezio said.

Most ppl will help you on here Flames 'cause they have been there themselves!

I will help you with naming your villain when you write the names of your heroes, here.

And remember don't let others put you down, use that negative and turn it into a positive, use any critiquing (negative or positive) as a tool in growing your writing skills...Never ever let anything make you quit...EVER!

And Stumblin, you should be ashamed of yourself...YOU are the RUBBISH!
DDD - 8/19/2009, 6:29 PM
Jos is right..outline your story...start with putting down the Introduction or beginning on one page...Then the main body of your story on another page...then the climax or ending on its own page. Then flesh everything out on those 3 pages or documents...to give you an over-all view of your story.

INTRODUCTION (or just INTRO)

BODY

CLIMAX

each its own page or doc.
DDD - 8/19/2009, 6:34 PM
I'm a pro script writer Flames (have sold 2 small theater stage plays)...I know how to write a complete movie, comic script, or TV show. I can help you too along with Jos. Jos is quite a good writer so Listen to him fer sure!
flames809 - 8/19/2009, 6:34 PM
ok dd and i already posted my heros on fanfic look down it say my story character
DDD - 8/19/2009, 6:37 PM
Whoops I overlooked that! Senility I tell you...I'm goin' senile...lol
flames809 - 8/19/2009, 6:38 PM
lol well im out im work on this story 2morrow
DDD - 8/19/2009, 6:39 PM
What is Blackblazes power?
flames809 - 8/19/2009, 6:40 PM
thats a secert
DDD - 8/19/2009, 6:42 PM
OK But I kinda need to know the main villains power at least...if I'm to come up with a Villain's name

Don't need to know Blackblazes...Later
flames809 - 8/19/2009, 6:50 PM
any power
Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 6:52 PM
ok cool. I like the changes you made. I'm glad you changed up some of the stuff i wrote,as well as some of yours. question. why do you type in all caps? the computer doesn't sound very uh, computery? lol. If that's the intention than rock on. If not, you'll need to work on that. The rest can be discussed later.
flames809 - 8/19/2009, 6:53 PM
ok and you going to learn there almost right and is the future computer are kinda like humans u tell the computer to look up something they do it thats y its not computery
Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 6:59 PM
huh?
Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 7:01 PM
oh, and yeah. I'm writing a few hero stories actually.
flames809 - 8/19/2009, 7:07 PM
wat there about
Joslezio85 - 8/19/2009, 10:18 PM
can't really talk about it. lol. uh, its classified. you'll appreciate that i haven't told you. ok.
DDD - 8/20/2009, 1:09 AM
Keep up the good work! You changed your writing over and took Jos' advise...see, it really helps the story come alive! You have good ideas just flesh them out a little more and give your characters strengths and flaws that are believable in the real world so everyone can relate ...then it sucks the reader into your story and propels them to keep reading on until the end.

Use a lot of adjectives and adverbs that are highly descriptive and make the story jump out at those reading it (like the RED HOT inferno--or the bomb BURST with a VILOENCE that PUMMELED the very air around them...). Use, Thesaurus.com, for more descriptive words that mean the same as other words you are using to tell your story.
superdog - 8/20/2009, 9:33 AM
sweet. i see some potential there. take these guys advice and they'll steer you in the right direction. dont listen to dickheads, there dickheads. keep it up.
flames809 - 8/20/2009, 9:48 AM
josel- ok

ddd- thanx 4 da website and this is blackblaze powers black fire/ ghost powers/ could make clones of himself/superstrengh/ and mindcontrol

superdog- thanx
Stumblin - 8/20/2009, 11:53 AM
Ditto on Superdog's statement.

Flames809 just curious how old are you?
flames809 - 8/20/2009, 11:59 AM
14 y u want 2 noe
Stumblin - 8/20/2009, 1:24 PM
Like I said, I'm just curious. Good luck with the writing.
flames809 - 8/20/2009, 1:26 PM
ok u saying "good work in writing" in a bad way or good way?
superdog - 8/20/2009, 9:17 PM
Pretty sure it was a good LUCK in the writing. And I'm pretty sure he meant it in a good way.
Stumblin - 8/21/2009, 7:24 AM
I wasn't mocking you I was being sincere.

Word Superdog.
flames809 - 8/21/2009, 12:26 PM
i know i was just messing with u stumblin

so hows the story going so far guys is good, OK, or i need to work on somethings
Stumblin - 8/21/2009, 1:48 PM
It's still pretty difficult to read. Usually when their is dialogue it works like this:

__Stumblin was walking down the street when all of a sudden he saw a dog, "What's up dog?" Stumblin asked in a mocking tone.
__"Not much," responded the dog in a nonchalant manner. Stumblin took a step back, shocked by what he just witnessed.
__"Whoa, did you just talk?" Stumblin asked nervously.
__"No, it's all in your head," the dog responds sarcastically, "of course I just talked!"
__"Well what the hell? It's not like I see a talking dog every day, Jesus cut me some slack."
__"Hey man, I'm just calling it like I see's 'em," joked the dog.

(Where I have this __ that means indent, the comment box doesn't allow me to so that's how I portrayed it)

Ok, now mind you I'm hardly a grammar wiz, nor am I even good at writing, but when doing dialogue you should separate different people with indentations to help clarify who is actually talking. Basically start writing this in Word or similar program to help you with the spelling, which will help make it a more enjoyable read instead of having to decipher what exactly you're trying to convey. Hope this helps.
superdog - 8/21/2009, 5:28 PM
Talking dogs are cool :)
flames809 - 8/21/2009, 9:10 PM
ozy- finally

stumblin- ok thanx i did know

superdog- im put a tlking dog in da story
superdog - 8/23/2009, 5:50 PM
Awesome. Be careful though, don't make it too cartoonish like men in black.
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