NOVA'S FUNHOUSE: A Dog's Life

NOVA'S FUNHOUSE: A Dog's Life

Cosmo and Lockjaw are being kept in an intergalactic kennel while the Inhumans and the Annihilators are off elsewhere. Using his telepathy, Cosmo strikes up a conversation with everyone's favourite giant teleporting mutt.


Lockjaw and Cosmo sit on a bench looking out into space. Lockjaw is drooling slightly. Cosmo is a bit disgusted. He communicates with Lockjaw telepathically.

COSMO
Is deer anyway you could not do thet?

LOCKJAW
Not like I'm droolin' on you!

COSMO
Niet, but it is disgustink to look et, you see?

LOCKJAW
It keeps my lips wet. Crystal says it makes me look cute 'n' cuddly.

COSMO
When was lest time she said thet?

LOCKJAW
The seventies.

COSMO
You see then, it is not makink you look cute and cuddly anymore, da?

 
Lockjaw hangs his head in sorrow and slurps up the drool rather loudly and messily.
 
COSMO
What in the name of Lenin's Ghost?! Thet was even more disgustink! Spit thet out!

LOCKJAW
Jeez, make up yer mind!

COSMO
I could be makink yours up for you, now spit it out!

 
Lockjaw spits out the drool and shoots a snide look and a growl at Cosmo.
 
COSMO
Don't be blamink me for your own flaws, bulldog.

LOCKJAW
When're your owners gettin' back?

COSMO
I am not knowink. Soon I hope. Cen I esk you a question?

LOCKJAW
Huhuh! Ya jus' did!

COSMO
Da... How are you hevink accent like New York thug but you are from space?

LOCKJAW
I love the Thing from the Fantastic Four, so I always listen to 'im talkin' and I picked up his way of speakin' 'n' stuff!

COSMO
Thet is sed. Not in depressink way, but in pathetic way.

LOCKJAW
Wow, yer just a bundle o' joy, huh?

COSMO
Joy is useless emotion, no need to be feelink it.

LOCKJAW
Okay den, lemme ask you a question.

COSMO
Shoot, as they say on Terra.

LOCKJAW
What breed o' dog are you?

 
Cosmo takes a moment to think. Slowly but surely, he begins to realise he's never really even known. A sullen expression crosses his face.
 
COSMO
I don't think I know the answer to thet question, Lockjaw...

LOCKJAW
Whoa... What if yer breed don't exist no more and yer the last one?

COSMO
I em not wantink to be thinkink about thet.

LOCKJAW
But what if y'are, I mean, that'd be pretty traumatic, y'know? You'd be all sad 'cuz y'ain't got nobody ta turn to or anythin'. On top o' dat, you'd never be able ta have kids or a wife. Man, you'd never be able to fully experience all da joys of existence.

COSMO
Well, thet was cheerink me right up! Thenks!

LOCKJAW
Yer welcome!

COSMO
Thet was beink sarcasm, Lockjaw.

LOCKJAW
Wassat?

COSMO
Too difficult to be explainink.

 
The pair sit in silence, continuing to look out into space from their sitting post. Suddenly an angry Rocket Raccoon is tossed in with them.
 
ROCKET
And a merry to you too, pal!

COSMO
Rocket? What are you doink here?

 
Rocket freezes as he dusts himself off.
 
ROCKET
Please don't be Cosmo. Please don't be Cosmo. Please don't be Cosmo.

 
He turns around.
 
ROCKET
Oh, for flark's sake! As if bein' in here wasn't bad enough, now you're here to make it worse!

LOCKJAW
Ya can insult 'im 'n' make jokes about 'im as long as you don't include 'im in the psychic link.

COSMO
I em beink way ahead of you, Lockjaw.

 
The pair sit in silence for a second or two, then both of them smirk. Rocket looks at them somewhat puzzled, then it hits him.
 
ROCKET
Hey, you mutts! Stop talkin' crap about me!

COSMO
Not talkink, thinkink. Somethink you hev limited knowledge of, da?

ROCKET
Screw you too, meatball!

 
The door opens again and Krypto walks in proudly, cape fluttering behind him. He sees his audience looking at him in a very "Who the [frick] are you?" kind of way.
 
KRYPTO
Oops! Wrong universe! Sorry, go back about your uh... What were you doing? I mean, two dogs and a raccoon sounds like a disaster por--

ROCKET
Hold your little boyscout tongue there, pale-skin!

COSMO
The thought of thet has given me shivers. Not in a good way.

KRYPTO
Well, I'll just be off then!

 
He goes to take off through the glass.
 
ROCKET
NO DON'T!!!

 
It's too late, Krypto flies through the glass and the other three are forced to dig their claws into the ground and hang on for dear life.
 
ROCKET
Y'KNOW WHAT THEY SAY! DOGS RESEMBLE THEIR MASTERS IN LOOKS AND PERSONALITY!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Yeah, I just took a shot at the pointless destruction in Man of Steel, what of it? As always, leave a comment in the usual place, I've been NovaCorpsFan, cheers for taking the time to give this a read.

Thiseditioninspiredbythispanel:

 
Posted By:
NovaCorpsFan
Member Since 2/7/2013
Filed Under "Fan Fic" 7/9/2014
DISCLAIMER: ComicBookMovie.com is protected under the DMCA (Digital Millenium Copyright Act) and... [MORE]
16 Comments
Abary - 7/9/2014, 7:27 PM
Pretty great, man. I like stuff like this one where you take 2 characters that share at least one similar trait and put them together, so I'd love to see crossovers in the future. For example, a battle of the 'things': Man-Thing and Swamp-Thing. Or a battle of every DC and Marvel 'fire' based character. Anyway, keep it up, these are always fun to read.
kong - 7/9/2014, 7:38 PM
You need to do one with all the Black Characters of Marvel and DC. If you need help capturing the culture (assuming you aren't black, but I wouldn't know) then hit me up...or @Pasto...or @Nomis....@Supercat....@TheBlackNerd....@BIGBMH....
are there any more?
Doopie - 7/9/2014, 7:44 PM
that was a great read, it made me laugh especially the 'in the seventies' line. A 'Thing' crossover...now that sounds interesting. Just how my characters are there with 'thing' in their name?
NovaCorpsFan - 7/9/2014, 8:07 PM
@TheReddestHood

Now all of those people will have to see the article! MWAHAHA! Nah, I'm not black. I'm the opposite of black, I'm Irish.
NovaCorpsFan - 7/9/2014, 8:16 PM
@Doopie

Man-Thing, Swamp Thing, The Thing, She-Thing... There's probably a lot more.
MsDarkPhoenix - 7/10/2014, 3:03 AM
Lol that was great!!! :D
kong - 7/10/2014, 4:47 AM
@NovaCorpsFan

I know, it was sneak advertising. And my first name is irish!
Pasto - 7/10/2014, 6:20 AM
Son of a...
FlixMentallo21 - 7/10/2014, 8:24 AM
Man, I am picturing the voices of Yakov Smirnov and John Candy coming out of Cosmo and Lockjaw.....
Doopie - 7/10/2014, 9:09 AM
lol at Irish being the opposite of Black
cipher - 7/10/2014, 9:13 AM
You got a good ear for accents, man.
cipher - 7/10/2014, 9:13 AM
NovaCorpsFan - 7/10/2014, 11:07 AM
@FlixMentallo
Probably the best voices to put to 'em really.

@TheReddestHood
Haha, my whole name is Irish, it's something of a giveaway when I'm on holiday.

@cipher
I used to watch a lot of t.v. as a kid and a lot of it was American, so I got good at doing American accents and impressions of characters (I've been told my Mickey Mouse impression is so close to the real thing, it's scary). But then I started watching a shit tonne of comedians from all over the world and picked up their accents as well. When I write things requiring accents it must be funny to watch because I sit here and say the line before I write it.

@Doopie
It's only logical! We've got pale skin and a lot of gingers.

@Pasto

@MsDarkPhoenix
Glad you liked it.

Cheers for reading everyone.
cipher - 7/10/2014, 12:05 PM
Hey, that's good, Nova.

I live in New York, so I'm always back and forth on the train, and I make a habit of just.. absorbing everything around me, y'know? I listen to how people talk, try to pick up the inflections, mannerisms, turn of phrase..

Just soak it all up. That's the most important thing I've learned- being a good observer of life is invaluable. I mean, I'm a bartender, but acting is my passion, so I'm very serious about it, and it helps to work in a place where I'm in contact with all kinds of people all the time. When I first moved here, I drove my friends crazy 'cause I was constantly mimicking the way they talked, and I did it so well they were just like "well, f*ck me.. that's pretty good". I used to actually put on a New York accent when I was working the bar just to get myself used to the rhythm and most of the time they would never have guessed that I wasn't from around here until I told them in my normal accent. Over time.. I just came up with my own routine, y'know? Like you did. Helps to have a clear method to sorta just.. drill into your brain so that it becomes second nature. But, yeah..

I know you love this stuff, and that you're very serious about it, so yeah.. it's good to hear that nothing escapes you. Anyway, I've rambled on long enough, so- take it easy, bud.
:)
NovaCorpsFan - 7/10/2014, 12:47 PM
@cipher

Haha, it was the same for me moving to Ireland from England. I was pretty quiet for the first few weeks of living here then I came out with the local accent and people were like, "Wait, you're English, how the [frick] can you do that already?" It's a great conversation starter as well, like if I'm with a new group of people, I'll speak with my Irish accent for about ten minutes then throw in a sentence in my midlands British accent and they're all like, "Wow, that was a good English accent!" Then I have to tell 'em y'know, it'd be wrong not to.
FlixMentallo21 - 7/12/2014, 12:07 PM
Oh yeah, how's this for a Funhouse idea: Jean Grey files a restraining order against the Phoenix Force.

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