NOVA'S FUNHOUSE: A Dog's Life

NOVA'S FUNHOUSE: A Dog's Life

Cosmo and Lockjaw are being kept in an intergalactic kennel while the Inhumans and the Annihilators are off elsewhere. Using his telepathy, Cosmo strikes up a conversation with everyone's favourite giant teleporting mutt.


Lockjaw and Cosmo sit on a bench looking out into space. Lockjaw is drooling slightly. Cosmo is a bit disgusted. He communicates with Lockjaw telepathically.

COSMO
Is deer anyway you could not do thet?

LOCKJAW
Not like I'm droolin' on you!

COSMO
Niet, but it is disgustink to look et, you see?

LOCKJAW
It keeps my lips wet. Crystal says it makes me look cute 'n' cuddly.

COSMO
When was lest time she said thet?

LOCKJAW
The seventies.

COSMO
You see then, it is not makink you look cute and cuddly anymore, da?

 
Lockjaw hangs his head in sorrow and slurps up the drool rather loudly and messily.
 
COSMO
What in the name of Lenin's Ghost?! Thet was even more disgustink! Spit thet out!

LOCKJAW
Jeez, make up yer mind!

COSMO
I could be makink yours up for you, now spit it out!

 
Lockjaw spits out the drool and shoots a snide look and a growl at Cosmo.
 
COSMO
Don't be blamink me for your own flaws, bulldog.

LOCKJAW
When're your owners gettin' back?

COSMO
I am not knowink. Soon I hope. Cen I esk you a question?

LOCKJAW
Huhuh! Ya jus' did!

COSMO
Da... How are you hevink accent like New York thug but you are from space?

LOCKJAW
I love the Thing from the Fantastic Four, so I always listen to 'im talkin' and I picked up his way of speakin' 'n' stuff!

COSMO
Thet is sed. Not in depressink way, but in pathetic way.

LOCKJAW
Wow, yer just a bundle o' joy, huh?

COSMO
Joy is useless emotion, no need to be feelink it.

LOCKJAW
Okay den, lemme ask you a question.

COSMO
Shoot, as they say on Terra.

LOCKJAW
What breed o' dog are you?

 
Cosmo takes a moment to think. Slowly but surely, he begins to realise he's never really even known. A sullen expression crosses his face.
 
COSMO
I don't think I know the answer to thet question, Lockjaw...

LOCKJAW
Whoa... What if yer breed don't exist no more and yer the last one?

COSMO
I em not wantink to be thinkink about thet.

LOCKJAW
But what if y'are, I mean, that'd be pretty traumatic, y'know? You'd be all sad 'cuz y'ain't got nobody ta turn to or anythin'. On top o' dat, you'd never be able ta have kids or a wife. Man, you'd never be able to fully experience all da joys of existence.

COSMO
Well, thet was cheerink me right up! Thenks!

LOCKJAW
Yer welcome!

COSMO
Thet was beink sarcasm, Lockjaw.

LOCKJAW
Wassat?

COSMO
Too difficult to be explainink.

 
The pair sit in silence, continuing to look out into space from their sitting post. Suddenly an angry Rocket Raccoon is tossed in with them.
 
ROCKET
And a merry to you too, pal!

COSMO
Rocket? What are you doink here?

 
Rocket freezes as he dusts himself off.
 
ROCKET
Please don't be Cosmo. Please don't be Cosmo. Please don't be Cosmo.

 
He turns around.
 
ROCKET
Oh, for flark's sake! As if bein' in here wasn't bad enough, now you're here to make it worse!

LOCKJAW
Ya can insult 'im 'n' make jokes about 'im as long as you don't include 'im in the psychic link.

COSMO
I em beink way ahead of you, Lockjaw.

 
The pair sit in silence for a second or two, then both of them smirk. Rocket looks at them somewhat puzzled, then it hits him.
 
ROCKET
Hey, you mutts! Stop talkin' crap about me!

COSMO
Not talkink, thinkink. Somethink you hev limited knowledge of, da?

ROCKET
Screw you too, meatball!

 
The door opens again and Krypto walks in proudly, cape fluttering behind him. He sees his audience looking at him in a very "Who the [frick] are you?" kind of way.
 
KRYPTO
Oops! Wrong universe! Sorry, go back about your uh... What were you doing? I mean, two dogs and a raccoon sounds like a disaster por--

ROCKET
Hold your little boyscout tongue there, pale-skin!

COSMO
The thought of thet has given me shivers. Not in a good way.

KRYPTO
Well, I'll just be off then!

 
He goes to take off through the glass.
 
ROCKET
NO DON'T!!!

 
It's too late, Krypto flies through the glass and the other three are forced to dig their claws into the ground and hang on for dear life.
 
ROCKET
Y'KNOW WHAT THEY SAY! DOGS RESEMBLE THEIR MASTERS IN LOOKS AND PERSONALITY!

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Yeah, I just took a shot at the pointless destruction in Man of Steel, what of it? As always, leave a comment in the usual place, I've been NovaCorpsFan, cheers for taking the time to give this a read.

Thiseditioninspiredbythispanel:

 
Posted By:
NovaCorpsFan
Member Since 2/7/2013
Filed Under "Fan Fic" 7/9/2014
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