NOVA'S FUNHOUSE: Sparkly

NOVA'S FUNHOUSE: Sparkly

Blade is hunting down a group of vamps he's caught wind of that have been generating too much buzz. He goes to wipe 'em out, only to discover just how truly evil they are.

 

We see Blade sitting in the tree canopy, a house visible over his shoulder. He holds his katana in his right hand and supports himself on the branch with the left. He raises his right hand to his head and activates the comm in his ear with his index and middle fingers.

BLADE
Whistler, you got eyes on targets?

WHISTLER
Sure do, Blade. Somethin' weird about 'em though. Somethin' different.

BLADE
Well, they'll be the same as any other vampire is after I've dealt with 'em. How many of 'em are in there?

WHISTLER
Eight. They're all in the kitchen, top floor.

 
Blade jumps down from the tree and moves stealthily towards the house. Windows cover the structure, almost to the point where the house seems to be made of glass. Blade unholsters his gun and loads in a magazine of garlic bullets. He returns the gun to the holster and removes a flashbang from his belt. He jumps up to the nearest balcony and peers inside. He sees a cluttered bedroom. Climbing in, he hears classical music playing down the hall.
 
BLADE
You weren't wrong when you said they were different. Ain't a coffin in this place. Not even so much as a Pentagram.

WHISTLER
It gets worse, there's a reason we need these freaks decomissioned.

 
Blade twirls his katana around in his hand as he makes his way down the hall. He keeps himself pressed against the wall. He reaches the corner. Pulling the pin out of the flashbang, he throws it into the kitchen. We hear the bang and Blade walks in, gun raised and katana ready.
 
BLADE
Alright, mother[frick]ers! Y'all about to get the biggest ass-whoopin' o' your lives, so how 'bout you just make this easy on yourselves and don't try to fight back.

 
We see it's the Cullen family from Twilight.
 
EDWARD
Oh... I'm sorry. We, uh... We don't really aha... Know why you're um... Why you're here.

BLADE
Shut your cursed mouth, bloodsuckah! I will shove ten cloves o' garlic down that pouty [frick]in' mouth o' yours and make you wash it down with a pint o' liquidised Count Chocula!

BELLA
Whoa, I don't think he gets me, y'know?

BLADE
Shut up, bitch! All o' you better back the [frick] up right now. All o' you mother[frick]er's gonna die right now, I'm givin' you the chance to make somethin' of it!

EDWARD
But we're uh... My family and I are, we're vegetarians... We only drink animal blood.

 
Blade looks confused.
 
BLADE
Say what? You mean to tell me, that all o' you mother[frick]ers don't kill humans? You drink animal blood? That's not possible, you need human blood, or you'll die, that's how vampirism works.

BELLA
Yeah, he doesn't get me.

EDWARD
We're good vampires.

BLADE
Only good vampire is a dead vampire, mother[frick]er. Know what? I'm not even gonna call you a vampire if you don't drink human blood. What's next, sunlight don't kill ya?

EDWARD
Actually no... Uh... It doesn't. Our skin, it gets, um... Sparkly. Like diamonds.

 
Blade lowers his gun in disbelief.
 
BLADE
Wait a minute here now. You're tellin' me, that not only do you not drink human blood. But sunlight has no effect on you.

BELLA
He doesn't get it, does he?

BLADE
You pieces o' shit are a disgrace to vampires everywhere and I feel sorry for the likes o' Dracula and Xarus havin' to know you turds exist.

EDWARD
Please just... Let my family live. I'll uh... I'll make sure you're um... Compensated.

BLADE
You think I do this for money? Man, [frick] you!

 
Blade decapitates Edward and kicks his corpse into the rest of the family.
 
BELLA
Oh my God, you killed him! He;s the only one who ever got me, you bastard!

BLADE
Boohoo, emotionless in [frick]in' white!

 
He slices her up and unholsters his gun. He fires garlic laced bullets at the other Cullens. It has no effect on them.
 
BLADE
You guys never were vampires were you? Sweet Jesus, you're like what'd happen if Emos got 'emselves all vajazzled 'n' shit.

 
 
He takes out a considerably large knife and charges into the remaining Cullens, [frick]ing them up real bad. He stands amidst their broken crystalline bodies looking disappointed.
 
BLADE
Whistler, you copy?

WHISTLER
I copy, you get it done?

BLADE
Yeah, it's done. Listen, there any more uh... "Vamps" out there like this?

WHISTLER
Yeah, tonnes. Why?

BLADE
'Cause I wanna dedicate my existence to destroying every last mother[frick]in' one o' these pussy mother[frick]ers. 

WHISTLER
I know just where to start.

 
We see Whistler in a van, spinning round in a chair. He looks at a computer screen which displays an image of Lady Gaga.
 
WHISTLER
We'll see how this crazy bitch likes wearin' chunks of meat from 'er own [frick]in' body.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
Well, I hope everybody enjoyed that. Good luck not pondering on the reality that Lady Gaga is a "vampire".  Seriously though, just marinate on that. Till next time, fellas!
Posted By:
NovaCorpsFan
Member Since 2/7/2013
Filed Under "Fan Fic" 7/5/2014
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6 Comments
batz11 - 7/5/2014, 10:38 PM
:)
MsDarkPhoenix - 7/6/2014, 3:28 AM
Well that was funny but on the other hand making fun of Twilight is so 2008-2012. It's over now guys, don't make us remember that shit...

Doopie - 7/6/2014, 4:37 AM
I thought it was really funny. Wesley needs to get on this, should regain him some popularity!
NovaCorpsFan - 7/6/2014, 6:31 AM
MsDarkPhoenix

It's funny that we tend to limit major pop culture things and their mockery to a few years, but here a lot of us are mocking movies from years ago as if they're still valid.
cipher - 7/7/2014, 8:26 AM
Hahahahahahaha, dude.. Bella's f*ckin' cracking me up here. Ahhhhhhh to be young, abso-f*cking-lutely clueless, and hopelessly obsessed...

"Y'know, all I want is for someone to get me, y'know? Nobody gets it, except Him- THAT'S WHAT YOU DON'T GET, SO GET FFFFFFFFFF*CKED!!"- the voice of a generation
cipher - 7/7/2014, 8:28 AM
Phoeny posted an Interview With The Vampire gif..

I f*cking love that movie. I love the books, too. Yeah, that's right, I said it- I dig Anne Rice shit. Lestat's probably my favourite character in anything.

Reminds me of me.

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