EDITORIAL: The Dark Truth of ComicBookMovie.com

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By BatManHeisenberg - 7/18/2014

NOTE:
 

If you haven’t gone full inception matrix and read the last two pieces, I urge you to do so. First one is HERE, second is HERE. What I might say here will shock you, and make you so confused you might commit a terrible crime. I urge you to not do that, and instead just go and do some cocaine and act like Charlie Sheen, who is:


As I revealed, many of the users here were created by Galactus and NateBest, who was murdered by Eric Cartman, and NateBest is now controlled by Mr. Mackey, of course. I decided to dig deeper than my last “editorial”(as if I could!!) and find who controls Mr. Mackey. I must say, it was Da Vinci Code National Treasure shit going down, man.

So, as we all know(besides me, I was just informed today) South Park is a fictitious and popular television show. So most likely a nerd dressed up as Eric Cartman and Mr. Mackey, and takes his CBM news very seriously. So this nerd killed the “lovely” NateBest and Galactus, assumed a position of power using NateBest’s identity, and wrecked shit. But who control’s this unnamed person? Let’s figure that out.

That’s right. HYDRA. HYDRA wanted the best news possible for their favorite comic book movies. They hired assassins to hire an obsessed nerd, who then pretended to be Mr. Mackey and Eric Cartman, and of course eventually NateBest and all the aforementioned users in my first EDITORIAL in this groundbreaking series.

That's right, myy editorial caused a goddamn earthquake. Well, I was JUST told HYDRA is a fictitious entity as well, so FML. What next? The leprechaun who gave me free candy and lets me donate blood from my ass when I was little is fictitious to? WHAT THE [frick]?(Doubt it though, I had to say great things about him in this fancy building with people in fancy suits and cops as well. Never saw HIM again…) Anyway, so HYDRA was likely a fake organization for someone to hide behind… But who??

Barack Hussein Obama. Of course! We have been blind to it the whole goddamn time! He has been spying on us with the NSA, but really is using it to get CBM scoops, and sometimes get’s it right, sometimes of course, not so much. I had to dig deeper though. Who controls Obama?

Me. I’ve been in some deep shit apparently. I hired Obama, who hid behind a fictitious organization(HYDRA) who hired a passionate fan who loved CBM’s and South Park, apparently, and then dressed up as Eric Cartman, and then killed NateBest and Galactus, and then pretended to be Mr. Mackey for a while, and then I killed him, and assumed control over all the following accounts: NateBest, JoshWilding, Gusto, SageMode, PsychoManiacJacky,  RorMachine, McGee, Manitinium, MrBlackJack, nailbiter111, yossarian, Intruder, Pasto, DCMarvelFreshman, cipher, Jollem and staypuffed. So you might just be a figment of my imagination. Which makes total coherent sense, of course. Who am I, you ask?

Nicolas [frick]ing Cage. That’s [frick]ing right. I can do anything. So now I’ll be a [frick]ing pair of siamese cat’s and end this amazing, groundbreaking Pulitzer Prize winning(before it’s even released) editorial.

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28 Comments
staypuffed - 7/18/2014, 10:18 PM
Man, if you wrote this, it has to be true!
MightyZeus - 7/18/2014, 10:39 PM
The enemy could be anywhere, no one can be trusted.

Thanks for bringing this to my attention man, thumbs up.
dethpillow - 7/18/2014, 10:48 PM
well played, Mr Cage,

but you have u to meet the creature designed to kill you.
genetically crafted in a airtight chamber of MILF goth nostalgia,
the one who will destroy you,
the anti-Cage.

and his number is Robert Smith.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

woe to you, oh earth and sea, for the devil sends the beast with wroth...
for he knows the time is short.

prepare yourself BatManHeisenberg,
the game is afoot.
dethpillow - 7/18/2014, 10:56 PM
you were a fool to reveal your true nature...

your arrogance has uncovered you,

and the black wings of the Lovecat thunder closer to u even now as we speak...



Mr Cage, the Robert Smith will smother you with hugs and kisses and gurgle noises coming from deep in his throat. and you will fall a broken man, Mr Cage, longing for the days of Valley Girl and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

rather than to be the midnight snack of The Lovecat.
dethpillow - 7/18/2014, 10:57 PM
you designed the first Robert Smith, but we encoded a failsafe virus just in case you ever did. and that virus has created the the Mark 2 Robert Smith.

AlexanderLykins - 7/18/2014, 11:09 PM
Reading is for rich people.
dethpillow - 7/18/2014, 11:25 PM
well, now look, you scared the Robert Smith Mark 2,
he just came back in here, crying his eyes out, and he won't say anything,
but only the word "cookie".

and he keeps holding his arms out like he wants a hug. but he's sweaty and his makeup is running now... i sent him over to Ozzy's house, let him deal with it.

i don't know what you did to him, but you didn't have to be so mean to him, Mr Cage. you really didn't.
JFerguson - 7/18/2014, 11:48 PM
South Park is real and ur really nic [frick]ig cagw? Y of course.

Nice detective work mr. Cage. U earn a cookie.
DCGuy - 7/18/2014, 11:57 PM
A follow up would be nice...dare I say... I wish to see the animal...INSIDE THE CAGE!!!
TheDudeRusty - 7/19/2014, 7:12 AM
I knew it. But what about Nicholas Uncaged?
DrunkenNukem - 7/19/2014, 10:15 AM
My head hurts..
AxE - 7/19/2014, 10:33 AM
but the real question remains unanswered...
TheAbaryMan369 - 7/19/2014, 10:44 AM
[frick]ing brilliant
TheManFromMars - 7/19/2014, 10:57 AM
OMG! You're Nic Cage?! Can I get an autograph? Sign my manboobs!
BlackestKnight - 7/19/2014, 1:17 PM
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA! DICKWEED! COCKTHRONE! AHAHAHAHA!



FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhailhydraAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE
BlackestKnight - 7/19/2014, 1:22 PM
@Turk


It isnt very funny, no. But its entertaining.

And the reactions are pretty giggly.

Nothing against the article either way.
SniktBub - 7/19/2014, 1:24 PM
You must have a motive... an end game... What do you want? You will not control us without resistance!!!
Nigrutin - 7/19/2014, 2:57 PM
dude u tripping balls
BlackBolt72 - 7/19/2014, 6:14 PM
Good lord! Am I me....
Lhornbk - 7/19/2014, 6:36 PM
You seriously spent time writing this? Really?
OdinsMissingEye - 7/19/2014, 7:22 PM
I had to stop reading after the second paragraph out of fear it would cause a dramatic decrease to my IQ.
Mercwitham0uth - 7/19/2014, 7:25 PM
Time for a Nic Cage music video:

GiantNerd - 7/19/2014, 7:59 PM
This is 50 shades of cray.
loki668 - 7/20/2014, 12:05 AM
And people blame ME for chaos?
Canary - 7/20/2014, 10:37 AM
I'm going over to Collider - this is too effed up for me.
batz11 - 7/21/2014, 9:49 AM
batz11 - 7/21/2014, 9:51 AM
batz11 - 7/21/2014, 9:55 AM

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