FAKE NEWS: Studios Shut Down Production on Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles
In this edition of FAKE NEWS, find out just why Michael Bay's TMNT film has gone to pot!
Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles Movie Ceased Production After Studio Double-Checks His Filmography on IMDb.com
By Iris West
Explosive cinematic masochist Michael Bay has one more project he can cross off his list: Ninja Turtles, though this time, it won't be a completed one. Studio execs were quick to shut down production of Ninja Turtles after realizing just who the hell they hired as the brain-child of the movie. "We were almost very blindsided," Exec Arnold Stravinski said. "Had we not actually gone through IMDb, we could have really put out a disgraceful film that would not only further specific stereotypes, but disgrace these beloved American icons."
He continued, "Originally, we looked over Michael's credentials and saw that he directed Bad Boys, which was a pretty impressive and fun debut. Then we saw that he directed The Rock and we were sold. We didn't even check the rest of his résumé. It wasn't until, who was it...oh, my son! Yes, my nine year-old son said how much he loved the ass shots of Megan Fox in the Transformers movies that we realized 'Holy shit, we hired that guy!'"
Stravinski's partner, Leo Wall, did not shy from details either. "After we got the script, we didn't even bother reading it. We set it on fire, performed seven exorcisms on it from seven different religions, and Arnie peed on it. But we realize that we have to go to the source of the problem and not only terminate Mr. Bay, but set the meth lab in the back of his condo on fire, as well."
"Am I interested in seeing Raphael rap while upskirting April O'Neil and fighting ninjas organized by the US Military? Yeah, but maybe in a three-minute YouTube video. Not for a whole *ucking movie," Stravinski concluded. "Though there was a glimmer of light when we saw that Bay was the producer for The Unborn, because if ever there was a film that changed the course of cinema, it's that one."
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