Batman and Robin Running Diary
In part two of my look back at the CBM we love to hate, I post my running diary of my Batman and Robin viewing experience.
Yesterday, I posted up an article looking back on Batman and Robin, why we hate it, and it's impact on comic book movies in general. Due to popular demand, I was asked to do a running diary of Batman and Robin after the one I did for Catwoman. Well, without further ado, here is my Batman and Robin running diary!
7:16 pm – DVD is in and the opening menu is already bringing back bad memories. And yes, I own Batman and Robin. I feel that as a Batman fan I must own all of his cinematic adventures.
7:18 pm – Can I just say that I’m amazed that George Clooney’s career survived, and even flourished, after this movie. The man is easily one of the top guys in Hollywood.
7:19 pm - I don’t understand the functionality of nipples on the bat-suit. What does it add? Why did Batman feel the need to put them on? Do they have a tactical purpose? I could go on or hours about this.
7:20 pm- I forgot how annoying Chris O’Donnel was as Robin. Why couldn’t he be the Robin that Joker beats with a crowbar and blows up?
7:22 pm- When you think of it, Arnold could have kicked ass as Mr. Freeze. Sadly no.
7:23 pm – Mr. Freeze drinking game! Take a shot every time Arnold makes an ice related pun! Drunk in minutes!
7:24 pm – Where do these super villains find these endless armies of henchmen? Do they put ads out on Craigslist.
7:25 pm- Batman and Robin playing hockey… Maybe the pens should try and sign them.
7:26 pm – I don’t get why the face is open on Freeze’s suit. Wouldn’t that let in heat and kill him? Well, I guess that of all the logic gaps in this, that’s the least of them.
7:27 pm – I forgot how much Freeze’s rocket looks like a giant penis. Most likely intentional.
7:28 pm- Good thing that whole “Running for Governor” thing worked out for Arnold, because this movie really started the downhill trend in his career.
7:29 pm- Batman really is a dick to Robin, can’t say I blame him either.
7:30 pm – Robin yelling “cowabunga”. Somewhere, a ninja turtle is shaking his head in shame
7:32 pm – Freeze to Batman “I’ll kill you next time!” Why not now? It would make Freeze’s life easier in the long run and spare us from the rest of the movie.
7: 33 pm – Uma Thurman, monologuing like a champ.
7:34 pm – Lex Luthor’s dad from Smallville!
7:35 pm – Bane, another innocent victim of this movie. All of my non-comic fans shuddered when they heard Bane was gonna be a baddie in TDKR because they only knew Bane as the grunting retard from this movie. I had to explain to them how awesome his comic book counterpart was.
7:37 pm – I wanna know what the performers thought when making this movie? Did they all realize that they were making a craptastic movie and just decided to have fun with their roles? Yes, they all give terrible performances, but you can tell they’re having fun.
7:39 pm – The “Arnold scream”! Yes!
7:40 pm – Michael Gough, RIP. Ironic that the plot of this revolves around Alfred dying.
7:42 pm – God, Uma Thurman’s voice is so annoying. She sounds like someone who should be working for a phone-sex hotline.
7:45 pm – I love Mr. Freeze explaining his entire evil plan out loud to his henchman for no apparent reason. I wonder if this is a nightly ritual.
7:47pm- Batgirl! Subplot number 500! And what purpose does she really have other than to have a girl fight with Poison Ivy?
7:48 pm – World’s Greatest Detective my ass! Batman didn’t even know his butler had a niece he’s been supporting for five years.
7:50 pm – Alfred trying to find his long lost brother… WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE PLOT!
7:51 pm – Batgirl being a motorcycle racer… ONCE AGAIN, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE PLOT! AND WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO STEAL ONE OF BRUCE’S MOTORCYCLES! IF SHE’S A RACER, SHOULDN’T SHE HAVE HER OWN?
7:53 pm – Bane really looks like The Gimp from Pulp Fiction. I really hope they improve the mask for TDKR.
7: 54 pm – Bruce’s security really sucks, Poison Ivy just strolled past them. They just kinda followed her and told her to stop.
7: 55 pm – George Clooney is actually pretty good as Bruce Wayne. Not so good as Batman.
7:57 pm – How does Freeze go from a loving husband and scientist to a cackling super-villain spouting bad puns? I smell prequel!
7:58 pm – Batman and Robin appearing at a charity auction… maybe when hell freezes over (see what I did there?).
8:00 pm – Annoying performance aside, Uma Thurman looks damn good as Poison Ivy. Dammit, then she opens her mouth and destroys the whole image.
8:02 pm – Oh no… the bat credit card is coming…
8:03 pm- BAT CREDIT CARD! HOW… WHY… IT MAKES NO… JUST… PLEASE…
8:04 pm – They really just used a Looney Tunes sound effect in a Batman movie. That just happened folks
8:05 pm – I’m done keeping track of Freeze’s puns. Done.
8:06 pm – Batman totally cod-piece-blocked Robin. Little birdie just wants some tail.
8:07 pm- Way to disable the engine to Robin’s motorcycle and almost kill him, Batman.
8:08 pm – One punch from Batman puts Freeze down? Way to make your villain look intimidating.
8:09 pm – Robin is like the annoying, angst filled teenager we all have to live with and want to kill at some point. Maybe Batman did want to kill him in that previous scene.
8: 11 pm –Once again, the movie stops in its tracks to show how Batgirl loves to race motorcycles. I’m pretending to care.
8:12 pm – Did they have a giant refrigerator just standing by at Arkham in case one of their inmates could only survive in sub-zero temperatures? Same with Freeze’s cell, did they just have a artic temperature cell standing by too?
8: 14 pm – I love that Bane’s disguise is a fedora and trench coat. Hey, I guess it worked for the Ninja Turtles, so it can work for a big dude in bondage gear.
8: 15 pm – Gotham’s mean street gangs decked out in day-glow make-up. Are we supposed to be scared? And yet another Looney Tunes sound effect is used.
8: 17 pm – What’s the point of these two scenes that Bruce has with Julie Madison? It doesn’t add anything to his character nor to the movie. But on the bright side, she’s one love interest that Alfred hasn’t let into the batcave… yet…
8:19 pm – Robin Facebook creeping on Poison Ivy, or just looking at press pics of her, since this was the dark days before social networking.
8:20 pm – A pointless bike racing scene. Why?
8: 24 pm – Barbara wants to free Alfred from his servitude. What is this? The Civil War? And why is it that Batman is aware of Alfred dying and doesn’t seem to care? Maybe he should use his billions to get Alfred some good health care or something.
8: 26 pm- Once again, Poison Ivy looks good… then she opens her mouth.
8:27 pm - Poison Ivy and Bane basically stroll in and free Freeze. Well, Arkham, is considered a revolving door for criminals.
8: 28 pm – Bane just punched his way through Arkham to get in. Why can’t he do it on his way out? Why didn’t Poison Ivy grab Freeze’s gun? So many plot holes, so little time.
8:32 pm- Batman and Robin were just discussing how great Poison Ivy’s “Stems” and “Buds” are. Save me…
8:34 pm – Bane is one of Batman’s most threatening comic book villains. There’s no such menace in the movie version. Batman and Robin make insanely short work of him in this fight scene.
8:37 pm- It’s hard to take Robin seriously when he’s all angry and covered in green ice cream.
8:44 pm – Had to pause and make a food run. Back now.
8:46 pm- “First Gotham… and then… THE WORLD!” I’m actually not surprised by a line that cheesy. What really surprises me is that it happened so late in the movie.
8:47 pm- One of the billion subplots, Alfred is dying. Actually, what is the main plot of the movie? It’s made up of all these little sub-plots but no bigger story tying them all together.
8:51 pm – Bruce skips out on taking care of Alfred to go to a ball. Well, there’s too many instances when Bruce does something out of character for me to really be complaining.
8:55 pm – Alfred gives Barbara a CD containing all of Bruce’s secrets and doesn’t think she’ll hack it? Bruce should let him die just so Alfred stops leaking his identity.
8:58 pm – Mr. Freeze is a villain that really deserves another shot, doesn’t look like it will be happening anytime soon though. A villain with a ice gun has no business in Nolan’s bat-world.
8:59 pm – Barbara just strolls into the Batcave somehow? Are there no security measures in this movie?
9:00 pm – For some reason Batgirl’s costume doesn’t have nipples. Batman and Robin’s costumes do, so should hers.
9:01 pm – Robin answers Poison Ivy’s booty call. He’s a horny little bird.
9:03 pm- How are rubber lips immune to Poison Ivy’s toxic kiss? The poison is ingested, so it would be passed through the saliva.
9:04 pm – Batgirl’s dialogue is worse than Poison Ivy’s, if that’s possible…
9:05 pm – That girlfight was all too short. And if I was Batman, I would be PISSED when I found out that Alfred blew my cover YET AGAIN!
9:07 pm – Batman had ice ready vehicles why?
9:08 pm- I’m sure Batman is thrilled to have two snot nosed punks to look after now instead of just one.
9:09 pm- Batman and Robin are finishing each others sentences, how cute.
9:12 pm – I just wanna take a moment to point out how terrible the score is in this and in Batman Forever. It’s both annoying and distracting.
9:13 pm- “Hey Freeze, the heat is on!” Where’s Axel Foley at?
9:14 pm- I love how Batman doesn’t care about the two scientists dangling for their lives off the edge of the telescope. Eh, he’s got other things to worry about. Then again, Batman doesn't really seem to care about anybody in this movie.
9:15 pm – I just realized that this is written by Akiva Goldsman, an Oscar winning screenwriter. If this movie isn’t a perfect example of selling out, then I don’t know what is.
9:16 pm – Why does Batman keep Robin around? He’s contributed nothing to this movie, hell, Batgirl did more than him!
9:17 pm- One ray of sunlight and everyone is instantly thawed out. Somebody really didn’t pay attention to high school science class.
9:19 pm – Freeze magically has the cure to Alfred’s ailment on him. I get that he knew how to cure it, but does he just always carry it around in case someone asks for it?
9:22 pm – Making Freeze and Poison Ivy cellmates? Who’s brilliant idea was that? No wonder everyone breaks out of Arkham.
9:23 pm – Alfred is fine! Bad guys are in jail, and now Batman has to brats to look after. Though I hear that in the script for Batman 5, Batgirl wasn’t in it so I have no idea why introduce her in this one. But the best part? It’s over! The series got rebooted, and we all win!
9:24 pm – The song from the “Watchmen” trailer in the closing credits? Okay…
Boy, thank God that's over! It really is strange to think that the dark, gloomy, Tim Burton days somehow evolved into this. Apparently the never produced fifth Batman movie would have returned to the darker roots with Batman and Robin against Scarecrow. I would be interested in seeing a script for that movie sometime but in the end, I'm glad that we got Batman Begins. And now, Nolan's trilogy will be capped off with next summer's The Dark Knight Rises.
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