Hey folks, Jamedog here with yet another bad superhero movie running diary. This week's movie is one that's been requested ever since I started with my running diary of Catwoman, and this week's movie is Steel! One user requested that I do a running diary for the live action Masters of the Universe movie as well, and while I love that movie in a totally ironic way that you can only love a bad movie, there was a much greater demand for Steel. Don't worry though, as a Masters of the Universe running diary is on the way! But until then, enjoy the crapsterpiece that is Steel!
Steel Running Diary
7:17 pm – I had to search the internet far and wide for this damn movie because the only DVD I could find was $12 on Amazon, and I'm not gonna pay above $5 for this
7:18 pm – What's up with the boogie music during the credits? This isn't 1975
7:19 pm – This was made in 1997, same year as Batman and Robin. Man, not a good year for CBMs at all.
7:20 pm – Shaq, so far he's had one line and that wasn't even convincing.
7:21 pm – Judd Nelson! I forgot about him! No doubt cashing a paycheck like a pro.
7:23 pm – Shaq yelling “NOOOO” While diving in slow motion. Somehow I feel that's not the last cliché we'll see.
7:24 pm – There's no emotion or inflection in Shaq's voice. Who thought he could carry a superhero franchise?
7:25 pm – What was Judd Nelson's motivation for blowing everyone up? Just to be evil? He gained nothing from that
7:26 pm – God, Shaq's acting is like something out of a bad student film. Tommy Wiseau shows more emotion in his line delivery.
7:27 pm – Of course it's set in LA and not Metropolis. And of course they have to have a scene with Shaq shooting hoops.
7:29 pm – Judd Nelson, how did he go from being the cool, bad boy of The Breakfast Club to just trying desperately to be cool?
7:30 pm – The sassy grandma and the street smart kid. The clichés keep piling up!
7:32 pm – And he becomes a steel worker, that's one thing true to the comic character other than being a weapons designer.
7:34 pm – These villains need mustaches to twirl and damsels to tie to railroad tracks.
7:36 pm – What is the point of Steel's jive talking kid sidekick? Why can't he just die or something?
7:38 pm – These thieves are the loudest bank thieves ever. They deserve to get arrested.
7:39 pm - “Not a good move, sugar” in the deepest, baritone voice. Such a strange delivery
7:40 pm – Shaq- “It's on now” meant to be an angry, heroic stand. Instead, it just sounds like Shaq is bored.
7:41 pm – This is one of the most boring chase scenes ever. Shaq looks like he has no idea what he's doing.
7:44 pm – Shaq is trying to sound threatening, but just can't pull it off. I'm sure that on paper a DC superhero movie starring Shaq sounded amazing to the higher ups at Warner Brothers, and I'm sure they learned their lesson after this bombed.
7:47 pm – Not even the bad guys are intimidated by Shaq!
7:49 pm – Shaq visits his crippled lady friend at the hospital, but more importantly... IS THIS A SUPERHERO MOVIE! It's been over a half hour and not one mention of super heroics, we've had one scene that can barely be considered an action scene.
7:50 pm – And he just picks up his crippled lady friend and carries her out of the hospital. That's called kidnapping.
7:52 pm – Richard Roundtree! What the hell?
7:54 pm – And Judd Nelson tells the jive talking kid sidekick to call him “The man”. Wow. Just, wow…
7:55 pm – The girl falls from her wheelchair and Shaq and Richard Roundtree just stand there starring, not even attempting to go help. Superhero my ass!
7:57 pm – Shaq- “I never could make the free throws” Funny. Like we don't know he plays basketball.
7: 58 pm – Gospel music during the montage where I guess he makes his costume? Really? You are trying way too hard movie. Oh, and a close up of his Superman tattoo, subtle.
7:59 pm – Huge gap in logic, but why isn't the government investigating why their top secret weapons are being used by street gangs? That's a major security leak, someone should be on it.
8:00 pm – Richard Roundtree- “ I especially like the shaft!” Stop it with the not so subtle jokes! We get it movie! Shaq plays basketball and Roundtree played Shaft, stop reminding us at every chance!
8:01 pm- LOL at Steel's costume! Big, big LOL. ROFL. LMAO. If the bad guys didn’t take him seriously earlier in the movie then they definitely won’t now.
8:02 pm – This movie is halfway over and he finally suits up! About damn time! Though now I kinda wish he wouldn't have.
8:04 pm - “Move out the way fool! This da hood!” brilliant writing.
8:05 pm – “It's hammer time!” That catchphrase was dated even in 1997.
8:06 pm- He magnetized his suit? Really? Why?
8:07 pm- And a grappling gun! Batman needs to sue him!
8:08 pm – Shaq looks even less threatening in that big, lumbering suit. I feel like crossing the street would take him six hours.
8:09 pm – Once again, he uses his grapple. Warner Brothers needs to realize that not every DC hero can be like Batman.
8:11 pm – And a motorcycle. He really is just a Batman rip-off.
8:13 pm – He's even got a little Steel-cave in the garbage dump! The cops even make a reference to the Bat-cave! WB has an unhealthy obsession with the Dark Knight.
8:15 pm – So, everyone knows that Steel is from a certain neighborhood and that he's 7 feet tall. Hmm, who else is 7 feet tall and from that same neighborhood? Could it be? Nahhhh!
8:17 pm – Does no one in this city notice this ridiculously armored hummer the bad guys have driving around town? I feel as if something like that would stick out.
8:18 pm – Once again, why is Judd Nelson so eager to show off his weapons so publicly? I'm pretty sure he would be up on a ton of charges and carted away in no time.
8:20 pm – The bad guys are yet again yelling and cheering while they commit their heist. I guess stealth isn't part of their vocabulary.
8:21 pm – Why is Steel just standing there letting them shoot him?
8:22 pm – Well, he did try moving. At a snail's pace.
8: 23 pm – Steel just sprinted across a street and saved a cop from being crushed. Shenanigans! There's no way he could move that fast.
8:24 pm – Can Steel think for himself or does he just do whatever his lady friend tells him? She tells him every move to make in his war against crime. Talk about being whipped.
8:29 pm – Why is Shaq and his grandma whispering in this scene? It's just in her living room.
8:30 pm – Uh oh! Shaq is arrested! Framed by the bad guys! However will he get out of this one?
8:31 pm – So they still put Shaq in a line up despite finding pretty incriminating evidence in his basement (the bad guys planted a weapon there). That seems pretty cut and dry.
8:32 pm – The police couldn't find Shaq's ear piece on him? No wonder the gangs are taking over the city.
8:35 pm – The bad guys post the location of the arms deal on the web? Did they send a Facebook event invite too?
8:37 pm - “You ain't Superman” Sigh...
8:38 pm – Steel gets taken out by a nameless henchman! No superhero would stoop that low. And Judd Nelson has captured Steel's crippled girlfriend as leverage, and burned down an orphanage and puppy farm.
8:39 pm – Judd Nelson is explaining his evil plan, and why is Steel just laying there? He could totally take him out but he's just kinda chilling on the floor listening intently.
8:40 pm – Richard Roundtree and a dog took out a henchman, but Steel couldn't?
8:41 pm – Shaq goads Judd Nelson into using his hammer gun, most likely as a way to escape. If Judd falls for this, then he deserves to die.
8:42 pm – The girl has a laser on her wheel chair! Why didn't she use it in the first place? And a jet pack? How did they capture her? She kicking more ass in this scene than Steel has the whole movie.
8:43 pm – Steel never really uses his signature hammer to bash people, mostly just as a gun. So why not just use a gun?
8:44 pm – The bad guys lock Steel in a room and throw a grenade in. Why not shoot him? Of course Steel throws the grenade out (not before another basketball joke) and it leads to the greatest henchman reaction ever. The grenade lands in front of a henchman and he let out the highest pitch “Noooo” ever!
8:45 pm – And a side note on that grenade incident, Steel couldn’t think for himself and throw the grenade out of the room, the jive talking kid sidekick had to tell him too. Aren’t superheroes supposed to be intelligent? Have free will? Determination? Stuff like that?
8:46 pm – Jive talking kid sidekick “I could be like Robin!” please stop...
8:48 pm – And the military shows up, of course after the day is saved.
8:49 pm – I love that everyone has figured out that Steel’s identity, but won't do anything about it. That's our government.
8:51 pm – And it's over! I'm sure the creators of this movie were so relieved when Batman and Robin came out and completely overshadowed Steel as the worst comic book movie that year. Steel was just forgotten in the annals of bad movies, while Batman and Robin is a name that will live in infamy.