Yeah...yeah...I know. I know. Why? Why McGee? Explain to us why the hell you suddenly decided to do this review now. Well, like I told the police when being questioned for the murder of Corey Haim--if you would be so kind as to put your hard throbbing dick back in your pants, I'll tell you everything. The last seven months have been very...scratch that...EXTREMELY difficult for me. Last Christmas, I found a lump on my shoulder while taking a shower. I didn't think much of it at the time and went about my business for the rest of that month. More on that later. I decided to write up my review of Thor 2 in January when without warning, I get a call from my sister. She's crying her eyes out telling me she's a horrible mother and is thinking about ending her life after putting her kids up for adoption. Now, I don't pretend to know how hard it is to be a parent. And I know my poor sister was dealt a bad hand when her husband left her after she tried playing with his pooper one night in bed (who among us would not have made the same decision?). So I ask her, "Sarah, what's wrong?"
"I think my son is gay," is her response. After an hour on the phone, I'm slowly given the details. My nephew was caught playing with My Little Ponies, thus outing himself as a Brony. Without skipping a beat, I'm able to calm her down and convince her that not only is everything going to be okay, but that I'm going to help her through this crisis. And I do. The drive to her house isn't all that far. The place where we left my nephew on the side of the road is significantly far. On the drive back in town, I'm able to cheer my sister up and am convinced everything is fine when she smiles back at me. Let me tell you folks...it's times like these I feel like there might just be some hope for the human race after all. I drop her off at her house and proceed to go home and schedule a doctor's appointment to get that lump looked at.
I was diagnosed with a tumor.
Yes. It's true. You read that right. Turns out I had what people in the medical field refer to as a "skin tag" which is a small benign skin tumor, but I didn't know that until I went home from the doctor's office and looked up what a skin tag was. Unlike the word "benign"...I knew what this meant. This was a sign from God that I had to enjoy life while I still can.
So I went out on the open road, riding on a Harley-Davidson with my friend and sometimes lover, Kathleen Turner (who was a woman before getting her sex-change operation, so I'm not gay). We traveled all across America, working odd jobs and sleeping under the star-filled night skies with only a bon fire to keep us warm. Sometimes we came across little dramatic situations where we would right wrongs, get thanked by the local community and then mysteriously slink away to another small town....another story. Me and Kathleen didn't speak much during our journey. We didn't have to. Many a silent night we would carry on conversations through body language, and sometimes...we just sort of knew what the other was thinking. That's usually how unspoken bonds work. Two weeks ago, me and her got into a heated non-verbal argument about who should clean the coffee can that we've been using as a bathroom (because desecrating Mother Earth would be a sin even if we weren't in this beautiful heartland of America). She stabbed me multiple times with the Bowie Knife she kept on the side of her boot, but as luck would have it, it also cut off my skin tag!
So here I am, ready to finally write a review for this film so as to better inform those who have yet to see this film because they live in the glorious nation of Uzbekistan. Let's hop to it.
Now before I go into what happens in this movie, let me quickly set up the events leading up to it. After coming home from work that night way back in November, I get a call from my friend Steve asking me if I want to go see the midnight showing of Thor: The Dark World. After telling him I'd love to, he tells me that we have to bring his cousin Chongo along because the police are looking for him. Naturally, I state that this isn't a problem. Picking up his cousin, I noticed he was in his 50s, wore a smelly camouflage jacket and had his long white hair braided in cornrows. Immediately I think, this guy is gonna be awesome hanging out with!
When we get to the movie theater--me and Steve (and now Chongo) proceed to do what we always do. We sexually harass people in line, regardless of gender, so that we end up in the front (this is how you get good seats--you should try it). Chongo actually ends up getting a few phone numbers. More evidence this guy is more legit than Don Draper. Once seating in the auditorium has begun, I'm told by Chongo that we should totally eat these quesadillas that he made that are in his front pocket. Are you guys paying attention? The movie hasn't even started yet, and this dude is giving us food he snuck in with him. I like Steve...but Chongo is quickly becoming my new best friend forever! Later on I found out that the police were looking for him because of what he used when making those Mexican grilled cheese sandwiches. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that it made the movie even better. The lights went down and the movie had started.
The movie starts off in the past via flashback. We see Odin in his youth fighting...I think they called them African-American Elves but let it be known that I might be remembering this wrong. Just to be sure, we'll call them Black Elves, although they looked pretty Caucasian to me. Anyways, Odin is fighting them over, get this...VENOM!!! Spider-man villain Venom is in this movie! Or rather, the alien Venom symbiote! I honestly don't know how Marvel Studios pulled this off with Sony, but kudos! Maybe we'll see Spider-man in Avengers: Age of Ultron. Well, anyways, Odin wins the fight and the Black Elves like...retreat to a space ship or something. The Venom Symbiote is locked away....in like....a wall or something. I don't really know. At this time in the movie, Chongo was throwing popcorn (that he stole from the five-year old above him) into the cleavage of the woman in front of us. That crap was hilarious! So now the movie fast forwards to the present. Thor is with his posse, and are beating up minorities in some far away land for shits and gigs. This big rock dude shows up to see what the ruckus is all about, when Thor just straight up murders him with his hammer Mewmew. He even makes a joking comment after doing so. Knowing all the crap Superman got in Man of Steel for reluctantly breaking Zod's neck, I can only imagine the crap Thor is going to get for this.
We then cut to Jane Portman who is investigating poverty in the slums of London or something. When the guardian of the Rainbow bridge, Humperdink....Heimlich....nameless black Asgardian (that Thor has put in charge of spying on Jane when she's naked/using the bathroom) notices this bitch is between world portals, Thor goes down there to see if she's cheating on him. Jane finds the Venom symbiote, but before she becomes blacksuit Spider-man, Thor throws her over his shoulder and takes her back home to make sure no one on Earth is tapping that. Back on Asgard (Assgard?), Thor introduces Jane to his family. Odin notices that Jane has the symbiote and gives Thor a lecture about dating women with STDs. While all this is going on, the evil black elf Macklemore suddenly shows up and tries to steal the Venom symbiote. When Macklemore shoots at Jane, she uses Thor's mother Frieza as a human shield. It is at this moment the police show up, causing Macklemore and his army to get out of there for fear of losing their anal virginity in prison (they even break everyone out of Asgard prison in the event they do get capture--so that no one would be there when dropping the soap).
Okay...so like...this is the part of the movie where things get trippy. This is where that quesadilla I had goes bad. When Odin grounds Thor in his room for indirectly killing his mother (he reasons that if Thor hadn't brought his hussy home with him, her ex-boyfriend wouldn't have broken into the place to try to get her back), Thor goes to visit Loki, who looks like crap. It is implied that this is because Jennifer hasn't called him back in weeks and Loki was really sweet on her. Thor breaks Loki out of prison (Macklemore didn't do that because he just assumed Loki was a bottom, and therefor wouldn't be a threat when dropping the soap), with the promise that the two of them could kick that black elf's ass! The two brothers sneak off into Loki's 1972 Caddy he has had hidden away for all these years. Thor yells shotgun, so Jane has to ride in the back seat. Flying in the air, Loki takes his car into a portal that looks like the Doctor Who opening, but with all the colors of the rainbow. In the background we hear the Pink Floyd song "See Emily Play."
Once Thor and Loki have made it to....the Mojave Desert, they trick Macklemore into thinking they want to negotiate a trade. Just when Macklemore gets the Venom symbiote, Thor takes off his face to reveal he is actually Jane and Loki reveals himself to actually be Thor! The real Loki? He was off to the side, behind everyone! Macklemore has been tricked! Macky's sidekick Ryan Lewis is troubled by all this. "If you're Jane...and you're Thor...who is Loki? Who is Macklemore?" Lewis asks. Thor decides to chime in, "Dude...who are any of us? Are we all alive? Or dead, but think we're alive?" A hush envelopes the entire desert. Everyone is at a loss for words on their situation in the universe, but come away with a feeling that each living thing is like a blood cell flowing through the body of something bigger than all of us. Everyone parts ways...with the understanding that if they were to stay around in that area for too long, time would stop! Loki tells Thor that he must go to the DC Universe, for he is dying and only Aquaman's brother Orm knows what to do. Thor bids him well and goes inside a cave with Jane so they can bone. It is there that they realize that Macklemore is in London about to perform a song from his new album which will tear the very fabric of the space-time continuum if played!
Once in London, Thor beseeches Macklemore to stop this madness and come back home...to Asgard. Macklemore promises to do that if Thor can beat his ass in battle. When Thor agrees, Macklemore releases the Venom symbiote, which I guess decides to swallow up London. Much to his horror, it only now dawns on Thor that his hammer Mewmew is all the way back home in Asgard. Calling upon his hammer, Thor chases Macklemore through various portals until his hammer finally reaches him. When his hammer finally reaches him, Thor turns around to pummel Macklemore, only to find he has been killed by his ship because he kept thinking bad thoughts. Back home, Thor is congratulated by his father Odin for taking care of business. When Thor is offered the throne, he refuses it because he believes his brother was more suited to it. When Odin reveals himself to be Loki, Thor is relieved and the two brothers do an air guitar riff à la Bill and Ted. However, their happiness is cut short when Thor ponders "Wait, if you're Loki...who am I?" Loki tells Thor that this is something for him to find out on his own, as only Thor can discover who Thor really is. The movie ends with Loki cautioning Thor that if he fails to do this, he will be forever lost in limbo. And with that, Thor goes out to discover himself and connect with his inner being on a journey into the endless desert, where he will walk until he finds his destiny, or destiny finds him (in the form of an old indian chief)! This journey (into Mystery!) will last for what seems like an eternity...but will actually come to a convenient close right before Age of Ultron.
Things I Liked About This Film
After the movie ends, we saw the after credits scene with Benicio del Toro where he reprises his role as Dr. Gonzo from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. In it, he confronts Sif and tells her that they must bone, or else everyone in the movie theater watching the film will die. My heart almost jumped out of my chest during this part, but luckily the movie implies that she is in the bathroom waiting for him.
Things I Hated About This Film
Dude...what happened to all those lost shoes in that one cave? Did those ghetto children ever get them back? Their parents worked really hard to buy them those shoes, and now they only have one of the shoes. That's bullshit man. Not cool. It wouldn't be so bad if they were lost on the streets where a homeless guy could use them. But no. They're lost forever in a cave where they will probably never be discovered. And even if they are...what if none of them fit the guy who discovers them? Or what if he finds one that does fit him...but the other shoe is back on Earth? This part of the movie really brought me down.
My Final Thoughts On The Film
I don't know man. I really enjoyed this film, but why is it that every time I go see a movie with Steve, I'm the one that has to drive to the movie theater? Why can't he drive for once? And why do we always have to drive 20 miles to the "good" theater? The one by our house is fine. Honestly, I wouldn't even mind driving if he had just given me some gas money. When the movie was over, me and Steve were tripping balls too much to drive home, so Chongo drives us. Turns out he was trippin' too, and once he dropped us off, I didn't see him again for five months. He was nice enough to give me my car back and even got it detailed (because the "love stains" were too noticeable by his estimate). But to this day, the air vents still blow the aroma of ass (Taco Bell) in my face and one of my rims is all jacked up. I did however find a brown paper bag (with blood stains) in the glove compartment that had ten thousand dollars in it. That should help me with rent.
All in all, the film was okay.