McGee Tries His Best To Review IRON MAN 3
One month after the movie has already hit theaters, McGee reviews Marvel's Iron Man 3 as best as his foggy memory will allow. So if for some strange reason you still haven't seen the third installment of Iron Man and are still on the fence about seeing it...you probably still shouldn't read this, but here you go anyways.
So here we are. The one month anniversary of Iron Man 3. It was a crazy month for me--May. A nasty respiratory virus, that made family and friends treat me like a Kafka character, had infected me and I turned another year closer to 30. To make matters worst, my wife had been nagging me during most of that month to go talk to the neighbor and see if I can talk him out of walking around his house naked while his window blinds were open. Honestly, I wouldn't mind her nagging so much if she was real and not one of those Japanese sexy cartoon girl pillow cases.
By far, the highlight of May for me was on Friday the 3rd. Iron Man 3 had just exploded into theaters nationwide and everyone in America (because we got the movie last) wanted to see if Tony Stark and Pepper Potts would finally do it on screen with Rhodey watching in the corner (they do). But the other thing everyone was obsessively curious about was whether the rumors were true. See, it had been leaked for the previous three weeks that the main villain of the film, The Mandarin, was not actually the Mandarin! Could it be? Was Shane Black giving us loyal fans the switch and bait? And did we want to be reeled in by a hook in our cheeks? The answer ended up being an enthusiastic billion dollar YES! Now, I know what you're asking. "But McGee, I just recently got on parole for sexual assault. I haven't even seen Iron Man 3! How did Shane Black direct the greatest film of all of time? Should I go see it now? Do I need to see it in 3D?"
Okay, first of all, I didn't say it was the greatest film of all time. Aggressive excitement is what got you behind bars in the first place. But yeah, it was a good film. Should you go see it right now? Yeah, sure. Should you go see it in 3D? That depends on how weak your heart is. There is a scene where the Mandarin shouts "Ole Ole Ole!" that scared Jesus out of me in 3D and made me an atheist. It was an entertaining family movie set during Christmas. I give it a lot of stars out of a group of slightly more stars. And that's my review. Next week I'll be reviewing Man of Steel and I'll be sure to tell you how big Henry Cavill's package is on a 70mm IMAX screen. Thanks for reading! McGee out! :)
Now I know what you're saying NOW...
You're saying "But McGee! While you were writing that last paragraph, I violated my parole by having my way with another senior citizen that didn't speak English, but come to find out the police man near by also spoke Spanish. There ain't no way in Hellboy 2 I'm gonna see Iron Man 3! Just tell me what happens!"
Okay you sick borderline necrophiliac! I'll play ball. For those of you who haven't seen Iron Man 3 and don't want to be spoiled: All three of you need to look away now and proceed no further! This is for my geriatric, Life-Alert, wrinkly chubby chaser friend who's going away for a long time because modern society is against love.
WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW THIS POINT!
The movie starts off with Tony Stark narrating a scene where all of his armor suits are being destroyed. How did he get to this point? Well, it all begins on New Year's Eve 1999 as the world awaits the bright future of the 21st century and 9/11, trying desperately to gain as much distance between themselves and the dark shadow of Batman and Robin. Tony Stark is at a party in Paris, France or Amsterdam or Berlin--I don't know where. It's been a month, okay? Anyways, all you need to know is that Tony is having a good time. He sees this sexy scientist lady and tries to have sex with her. I wanna say her name is Miranda Tate but I'm probably wrong. It's honestly not important as we never see her again. What is important is that this guy who looks like Edward Nigma from Batman Forever, who is clearly in love with Tony, tries to get in on the action by proposing a three-way. Tony tells this dude to wait on the roof while he's making babies and that he'll meet him there to watch fireworks or something. Perhaps predictably, he never shows up and this poor guy vows revenge after crying.
Cut to three years later, Tony is working on his new suit and is having problems getting the thing to wor--you know what? The majority of this film might take place after The Avengers, so forget I said three years later. So anyways, Tony is working on a new suit when suddenly his new wife Pepper Potts comes in and tells him there is this guy who calls himself The Mandarin, and he's like an evil terrorist version of Osama bin Laden. Tony's all like "Seriously, yo?" However, before Tony can go find him and put the smack down on Mandy, guess who calls him for lunch? RHODEY!!!
They go eat grilled cheese sandwiches at Denny's. Rhodey is explaining that President Obama wants to call him Iron Patriot now and that his armor has a new paint job. Some kids ask for a picture when suddenly Tony gets heart burn. Stark goes back to his house for some Tums when Pepper comes in and tells Tony that the Mandarin killed Happy Hogan. I remember Pepper bringing a giant stuffed bunny to help lessen the pain for Tony, but maybe that didn't happen. Stark goes outside where the press meets him and Tony is all like "If the Mandarin is so tough, why doesn't he come to my house?" And then he does. Dude, the Mandarin just blows up everything! Tony is sent into the ocean and is also knocked unconscious from the blast.
He wakes up in either Tennessee or Kentucky. Apparently, he was rescued from drowning when a boy dragged him from out of the water. I can't remember. What I do remember is that the film implies this is his son, but neither of them knows it. After Tony thanks Jimmy (I'm pretty sure that's his name), they go to a bar or a Channel 6 news van and try to call Jarvis.
Okay, so I gotta come clean. At this point in the film, I feel asleep. What comes after is what I saw when I woke up. Fair warning.
Tony and Rhodey are at the Mandarin's hideout in Morocco. After making quick work of his goons, they go inside and find out The Mandarin is really British comedic actor Tony Slattery, who looks awful (you might remember Slattery from Whose Line Is It Anyways?). Slattery tells them that the real Mandarin is actually Aldrich Killington, the guy from the beginning of the movie who Stark pissed off. Slattery then tells them that he is going to be at the docks that night to hijack a cargo boat. He also lets it slip they have new President Mitt Romney as a hostage (who stole Rhodey's now broken Iron Patriot armor) and that they shouldn't go in the bathroom for twenty minutes.
That night at the docks, Tony shows up and is greeted by Killington. Aldrich tells Tony that he has an army of fire breathing super humans. Tony tells Jarvis to initiate protocol "House Party" and within a few minutes, all of Tony Stark's armor drones show up and kill everyone, including the President, who was in on it all along.
Back at the Mandarin's hangout, Tony, Rhodey and the actor posing as the Mandarin have a party celebrating their victory. When Rhodey leaves the room...an emotional scene plays out. Turns out fake Mandarin isn't comedian Tony Slattery after all and has been keeping a secret from Tony Stark.
Ben Kingsley's character isn't just an actor. He is...get this...Ben Kingsley! Ben Kingsley plays himself in Iron Man 3!!! Isn't that cool? But that's not the crazy part. Benny tells Tony Stark that he is actually his father and that Howard Stark was his uncle. Howard pretended to be his father because Ben knocked up his mom at age 13 and society was very judgmental during those days. When all of this is revealed, they have a moment where they bond with each other. Ben gives Tony a chance to take his last name, but Tony is such a Game of Thrones fan, he chooses to keep Stark.
It is at this point where Pepper Potts comes in and kills Kingsley, thinking he's still the Mandarin. A hush blankets the room with a tinge of saddness. Tony cries while holding his real dad who, before dying, tells him that he loves him. Ben Kingsley doesn't live long enough to hear his son say the same to him. Pepper apologizes and after a moment of grief, Tony accepts. A few days later, they spread Ben Kingsley's ashes over the ocean and then Pepper tells Tony she's pregnant. Tony decides to name the boy....Ben.
I have some problems with the film. First, what happened to that kid? I'm assuming he died while I was asleep. Second, how does Tony Stark pee in the Mark 42? Better yet, how does he go boom boom in any of his armor suits? We may never know. However, whatever flaws this film has is forgiven after the tear jerking emotional ending. I won't lie. As I walked out of the theater, I started crying. This was such a sad way to end the movie and an awesome trilogy. But it is this ending that puts Iron Man 3 above Nolan's The Dark Knight. Some of you will disagree with that, and that's fine. Others will accuse me of being high while watching the movie. For this reason I feel I should also come clean like Ben Kingsley did in the film.
Was I tripping on acid while watching Iron Man 3? Yes. But I didn't take that much as I was able to drive home.
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