SChwinnnng

It's honestly pretty good. I wouldnt keep it posted on this site though for copyright reasons. write up a script, find an artist and get it made into a graphic novel. Make sure to keep the characters' motivations in mind, and you may want to scale it back from millions/billions of years in the future to hundreds at best- it can strain an audience's credulity to remove it too far into the future (see Olaf Stapledon's Last and First Men for an example of this), also, the fact that SOOO many years have elapsed and there is still basic cyborg technology doesnt make sense...in billions of years, people might not even be inhabiting their own bodies, and might be experiencing different forms of consciousness than in the near future. I would also shy away from giving them a wonder drug (do you really want to live forever?) and then showing it WORK over such a long period of time. More potential conflict if you show the adverse effects ot drug over a short longperiod of time, say 200 years...

I get the Jesus/Satan Paradise Lost, etc references, but am not a big fan of it in the context of your story. I think if you are going to include such western mythic themes, you need to make it the major thrust and goal of your plot. from the summary, it seems to me that you cant decide whether to do a full-on biblical epic in space, or a Metropolis/Blade Runner/Star Wars sci-fi tale. Either way, too much time elapsed for a Western mythic theme to ostensibly be relevant- in billions of years, will we really believe in God or be moved by the same mythic/religious imagery that speak to us today? especially considering the advances in technology...symbols and imagery in society will have a whole different meaning- Joseph Campbell's thoughts will be long forgotten and washed away. Frank Herbert pulled it off, but he took years to create the complex mythology and religious beliefs- have you read Dune, lately?

I would recommend tightening up the timeline, cutting some of the cliche elements (like Stone sneaking in and stealing the serum- too classic comic/sci-fi). you have potential for a moving and engaging religious/sci-fi epic here- don't lose it by giving into the tropes of the respective genres.

The earth as a Waste Land was overdone when Eliot wrote about it, it's concept stems back to Jessie Weston, von Eschenbach, and the legend of Joseph in Genesis.

If you had come up with this concept in the 1980s, it might have been pretty cool. Now, it seems cliched, overdone, and done better by Scott and Cameron, etc. For your idea to succeed, I would pare down a. the scope of the speculative/fantastic elements of your novel, b. the timeline, c. the 1980s sci-fi elements. Then I would focus on some transcendant human issues, in addition to the issues that arise out of the confines of the plot and characters you have created.

Focus on logical, realistic motivations and conflict. Keep a sense of innocence as well as indeterminacy in events.

Have you watched Chinatown, or read Siddhartha by Hesse? I would do so before moving forward with developing your plot.

Also, the single most important book you need to read and internalize in order for this story to work is From Ritual to Romance, by Jessie Weston.

Overall, this is an above average concept, and a damn sight better than most of the stuff that is posted frequently on this website. But it needs a lot more work to really get off the ground.

Cheers!

It ALMOST read like an actual Hollywood film summary. You're definitely growing to become a filmmaking force to be reckoned with. Good job!

AWESOME! Dude best thing i've seen on here in a long time!

@MovieMaster- I really like where you're coming from- good luck with this- i hope it goes really far! I actually wrote up a similarly themed story about 7 years ago (totally different plot) but similar inspiration, themes and character motivations. We'll have to chat about it sometime. best of luck :)

Thanks dude! And no, none of the names were meant to reference any Biblical character's, and I was made aware by somebody else that ironically Arama is the name of a Hindu God :P

@comiccow6- It was originally coming March 1st, but everything fell apart haha.