Nova's Funhouse: The Four Metallic Arms
Sorry for the delay, wifi was acting up. Anyway, here's the last Christmas edition of the Funhouse. The villains have all decided to get pissed in Doc Ock's bar, The Four Metallic Arms. Hijinks are sure to follow. Hit the jump to check it out...
Well, that's it for another year. No more Christmas Funhouses after this one. So, sit back and enjoy this one, hopefully it takes you less time to read than it took me to settle on which draft to use (I was actually glad my wifi messed up, gave me more time to decide). Anyway, sit back, relax and enjoy my friends. Right, Green Goblin, Lex Luthor, Khan, Saruman, Voldemort and Count Dooku are sitting in a bar...
Goblin: ... and then I threw 'er off the bridge!
The others burst out laughing, spilling their drinks as they do so. Lex wipes tears from his eyes and Saruman orders in another round. Four metallic arms appear and drop the drinks onto the table.
Lex: Thanks, Octavius, put it on my tab.
Ock: No, no tabs, you will pay upfront!
Dooku (waving his hand): You don't need him to pay now.
Ock stares blankly at the group before continuing to dispense drinks to the others at the bar.
Lex: Right, you're not gonna believe this, but I finally know how to beat Superman.
Khan: Oh, do tell, we're quaking with anticipation.
Lex: Okay, y'know how he has to go to the sun to regenerate, right? Well, I figure, why not just destroy the sun! So, I'm building a laser that'll overheat the sun, it'll explode and Supes will have to find a new star or die. *burp*
Saruman: Main problem being, you'll destroy the earth too.
:Dooku: I was about to say that!
Saruman: Great minds think alike. (he swigs his beer).
Voldemort: Okay, I got a story!
Goblin: There's nothing you can tell us we don't already know, I'm sure we've all read the freakin' books.
Saruman: Indeed, it's why I haven't told one either.
Goblin: Pssh, you realise people never would've known you existed if it weren't for the movies.
Khan: I hate all of you, you're so depressing. You all bore me, severely.
Kingpin stumbles over to the table.
Kingpin: I bet I could take all of you in an arm wrestling ma--
Voldemort (raising his wand): Avada Kedavra!
The spell strikes Kingpin and his huge form keels over.
Khan: See, you're all so antisocial.
Voldemort: I don't know why I hang out with you lot either. Only Saruman isn't a filthy muggle!
Saruman: Too bad I have no respect for you and your pathetic excuse for magic.
Voldemort: I'll have you know I split my soul into sev--
Saruman: I used magic to beat the crap out of Ian McKellen.
Goblin: Man's got skill, you gotta give 'im that.
Voldemort: Fuck you anyway. Otto! Pour me a double rum with Coke!
One of the arms raises one of it's pincers at him.
Voldemort: Service in here is awful! Who suggested this?
Goblin: I've got a pass for free drinks all year, so yeah, I suggested we come here. Doesn't extend past me though, so the rest of you can suck on a pumpkin bomb. (he downs his beer). BARKEEP, ANOTHER PINT, PLEASE!
Ock: Can't you see I'm busy Norman! Dracula, take this to the pointy-eared green freak over there.
Dracula gets up of his stool and paces to the group's table, a sinister grin on his face as he moves.
Dracula: Please, enjoy it, you never know when it will be your last drink... (he places the pint on the table and walks back to his seat and re-engages in conversation with the creature from the black lagoon).
Khan: Who the fuck is he? He seems like a paedophile!
Goblin: He's more of a... thief, to put it simply.
Khan: Mmm, a thief of innocence.
A circular glow begins to emit from under Saruman's cloak. He brushes the drape aside to reveal Sauron's orb. He gets up from the table.
Saruman: Sorry, I have to take this.
The group sit in silence, swigging at their drinks. Then, s short man approaches, his head barely visible above the table.
Rumplestilskin: Mind if I join you?
Dooku: Sod off, you aren't a villain, why are you even in here?
Rumplestilskin: I was a villain in Shrek 4, I'll have you know!
Dooku: Oh, well I didn't know there even was a Shrek 4.
The others all say, "Me neither."
Dooku: See, nobody knew you were ever a villain. So go away, you pathetic excuse for an evildoer.
Stilskin walks away with his head hanging. Saruman returns.
Saruman: He says Peter Jackson wants to make another movie, with no book to draw from, just an independent thing and he wants us to come back in for it
Goblin: HA! I know the feeling, they never stop putting me in movies. Ock's jealous of me.
Ock: At least I looked good on film, you looked like a fucking power ranger villain.
Rita Repulsa pipes up from the corner.
Rita Repulsa: Well, I never! Screw you Octavius, I'm a classic villain!
Ock: Only to kids from the eighties and people who live with their parents and have nothing better to do than watch Power Rangers reruns.
She gets up and leaves, followed by a reluctant Lord Z.
Z Sorry about her, she's got the painters in.
Every man in the pub goes, "Aaah."
As she leaves, Deadpool walks in.
Lex: Wait, what's he doin' here?! He ain't a freakin' villain.
Everyone in the bar pulls their signature weapon. Predator pulls out a disk, Terminator pulls out a gattling gun (yes, from nowhere), Marvin the Martian pulls out his ray gun and Shredder strikes a Kung Fu pose.
Deadpool: Ha, yeah, funny story. Uh, I need a place to crash, I'm kind've on the run from the law. Wonderin' if there was any spare beds at the inn?
Ock: This isn't an inn, there are no beds, you have three seconds to leave before we utterly destroy you.
Deadpool: I don't think you understand, I'm a fugitive. I'm on your side.
Ock: One... (Deadpool folds his arms) ... Two... (he leans against the wall)... Thr-- (the ceiling caves in, a giant purple foot comes through).
Galactus: Give me your largest drink.
Ock: MY INSURANCE WON'T COVER THIS! SCREW YOU, YOU GIANT OAF! YOU'RE BARRED!
Galactus: Fine, I'll go the HISHE's Villains Pub. (he walks away).
Sinestro and Ra's Al Ghul walk through the door. Deadpool slips into the store room while nobody's looking. The pair sit down at the bar.
Ra's: Two pints of Guinness, please, Otto.
Lex: Hey! M-my friends are here, haha, oh I love these guys! Hey, Sin! Yeah, SIN-ES-TROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Sinestro: Oh, Jesus, why is he here?
Ra's: Just ignore him, maybe he'll go away.
Lex: Hey, hey you guys (he grabs them both on the shoulders). You won't believe it, fellas, I've got a plan to kill Superman.
They ignore him. He looks at both of them, a slurred smile on his face.
Lex: So, here's my plan, right. I'm gonna destroy the sun, so Superman can't regenerate. Hey. Did you hear me? Helloooo. Anybody there? (he waves his hands in their faces). HEY! Listen, I'm gonna tell, tell, you 'gain, right? Lis... listen up this time, okay? Now, I'm gonna make a... a , uh, laser, a biiiiiig fuckin' laser. And blow up, y'know, kabloom! The sun!
Sinestro: You realise, he'd probably stop you doing it.
Lex: Why you gotta be a killjoy, forehead? You never like my plans. Well, guess what... I had your mom!
Sinestro: Yes, because she's been to earth so many times, I've lost count.
The Brain (from Pinky and the Brain enters).
Brain: Bow, to your new ruler! Dr. Doom is no longer in this universe and I rule the earth! The drinks are on me for the rest of the night.
The Wrecking Crew run in from the street. They have bags full of money and they look very out of breath. Piledriver steps on Brain, a pool pf blood spreads out from beneath his foot.
Wrecker: WE NEED A PLACE TO HIDE, QUICK!
They run into the bar, around the back, out of sight. Daredevil and Iron Fist burst in.
Daredevil: Oh shit. Uh, sorry to intrude but, uh, have the wrecking crew been through here?
The bar falls silent as every single one of the punters glares at the dynamic duo.
That cockroach guy from Men In Black: GET 'EM!!!
Iron Fist: RUN, FUCKING RUN, NOW!!!
Daredevil and Iron Fist running out of the bar doors with various villains attempting to kill them.
And that's the end o' that chapter. Merry Christmas everyone and have a bloody good smeggin' new year, seeing as how 2013 is the worst year since... 1943. Anyways, alot of villains didn't make the final cut. Here's a list of the ones that would've been there but I couldn't get 'em in anywhere. So, if Doopie draws this, you can throw 'em into that final shot.
Igor (from Frankenstein)
Beebop and Rocksteady
Sauron's eye floating above the bar
The Witch King
The Wicked Witch of the West
So, yeah, feel free to imagine the image yourselves, with all the villains listed as well as the ones in the main body of the script.
Ta-ra for a bit!
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