Nova's Funhouse: cipher's Vacation (Among Other Things)

Our very own cipher embarks upon an epic romp through Detroit in which he'll encounter many weird and whacky wonders. He'll chug out with Gusto, buy art from Doopie and overhear an argument between feuding members. Hit the jump to check it out!

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By NovaCorpsFan - 2/13/2014


READER'S NOTE: You should picture every appearing character as their CBM avatars. If the avatar is not human, but a logo, picture them as you already do, but with that logo on their shirt. e.g SageMode would be a guy with the Marvel logo on his shirt. If a member has revealed what they look like (Pasto) imagine that. I'm somewhere in every panel with a pen and note-pad.



Cipher steps off the plane, looking quite proudly around himself at the utter decimation of the city of Detroit. He walks down the steps. Next we see him in the terminal, buying a bottle of Jack from the duty free. We see him outside, he calls for a cab and one arrives immediately. The driver gets out and we see it is LEVITIKUZ (Bender).

LEVITIKUZ: Hey man, where you headed.

CIPHER: Not sure really... How 'bout you just drop me into the city?

LEVITIKUZ: Fine by me, you need help with those bags?

CIPHER: Nah, I only got one, shouldn't be too much trouble to carry around.

LEVITIKUZ: Suit yourself.

The pair get into the cab, cipher occupies the passenger seat. A Hellboy action figure hangs from the rear view mirror. Cipher takes a swig of his Jack Daniels and offers some to LEVI.

LEVITIKUZ: Nah, I'm good. I'm driving anyway.

CIPHER: I've heard about a good bar in the city, wanna come with? You seem like a cool enough guy.

LEVITIKUZ: Should be okay, what's the place called?

CIPHER: The ComicBookMovie.

LEVITIKUZ: Oh shit, sorry. I can't go there, the landlord barred me.

CIPHER: For what?

LEVITIKUZ: Mouthing off. Being annoying, the usual thing. Tried to fight some of the bartenders.

CIPHER: Yeah, I think I'll just get out here.

LEVITIKUZ: But we're only on the outski--

CIPHER: Yeah, it'll be fine, just lemme outta the car.

LEVITIKUZ pulls the cab over and lets cipher out. He pays the man and continues to walk towards the city, which isn't that far away. The area is very rough. A sign post at the end of the street reads, "CosmicBookNews". A man dressed as Ant-Man approaches cipher.

INTRUDER: Spare some change, man, I need money for booze.

CIPHER: Uh... here, have a swig o' this.

He hands Intruder the bottle of Jack and the guy downs a few gulps through the mouthpiece in his mask. He hands the bottle back.

INTRUDER: Thanks, man, I really needed that. I got barred from all the drinking pits around here.

CIPHER: Sorry to hear that, man. Anyway, I'll be seein' you.

Cipher continues to walk, passing various other banned users. Mantinium, FuturePast, they're all wandering the streets of CosmicBookNews, IGN and SuperHeroHype. Cut ahead, cipher's in the city. He wanders down a crowded street, a mirage of vendors line the pavement. One stops him to flog off some artwork.

DOOPIE: Hey, you look like a decent guy, whatta you say to buyin' some of this art off me? I won't overcharge, what you see is what you get.

CIPHER: They're all pretty good. 'Specially the little comics. I like the look o' that RoboCop one. How much is it?

DOOPIE: That one iiiiis... forty-five bucks.

CIPHER: Awesome, I'll take it. Say, you wouldn't happen to know if there's a comic book store around would ya? (He hands Doopie the money and Doopie hands him the drawing).

DOOPIE: Uh, yeah, just three blocks down on the left. You can't miss it, the place is elaborate as all hell.

CIPHER: Good to know, man. And cheers for the drawing, eh.

DOOPIE: You're quite welcome.

Cipher wanders off in the direction Doopie pointed. Doopie notices me writing from the background.

DOOPIE: Nova, what the hell are yo--

NOVACORPSFAN: Shh, not now, I'm creating a masterpiece.

I follow cipher up the street. Doopie shakes his head and sits down beside his art display.

DOOPIE: Don't know why I agreed to work with that crazy bastard.

Cipher arrives in the comic book store. At the front window, wonderer and SageMode sit arguing, restrained only by nailbiter111 and Mark Julian.

THEWONDERER: Well, IMO, Marvel Studios are just pushing for money and that's all they care about. Their movies have no substance!

SAGEMODE: LOL, DC fanboy! Money is all that matters, what you got, huh? A failed GL movie and a pretentious Batman trilogy. MoS SUCKED!

Cipher goes up to the counter. DEVLIN712 sits behind it reading a book entitled, "Running A Small Online Comic Book Universe For Dummies". He looks up and gives cipher a welcoming smile.

DEVLIN: Welcome, please feel free to browse, not often we get new faces in here.

CIPHER: Cheers, man. You wouldn't happen to have any Buffy merch would'ja?

DEVLIN: No sorry. But, while you're here, I highly reccomend some of our locally produced series. Have you heard of Nova's Funhouse?

CIPHER: Oh man, I love those, they're pretty funny. Always make me think weird.

DEVLIN: We have all of them here. We also have some of Doopie's Doodles here, too.

CIPHER: Oh yeah, that just started, right?

DEVLIN: Yes it did, but there were some before they got that main title.

Cipher notices a small card on the counter. It reads "CBM OAU! Coming, APRIL 2014". He picks it up and shows it to DEVLIN.

CIPHER: What's this?

DEVLIN: Oh, uh, that... is the reason I'm reading this!

He lifts up the book from the counter and allows cipher to read the title.

CIPHER: Oh, so it's your own thing, huh?

DEVLIN: Yeah, I got a bunch of great guys together, we're hoping to get it all off the ground in April.

CIPHER: Well, I look forward to seeing how that turns out. I gotta head now. I'll hit you guys up on the ol' interweb.

DEVLIN: Okay, man. It's been a pleasure talking to you!

CIPHER: Likewise.

Cipher leaves the shop, revealing I was sat behind him. DEVLIN looks at me weirdly.

DEVLIN: Nova, what the fuck are you doi--

I take a large amount of paper from under my jacket (I am the Collector after all).

NOAVCORPSFAN: Here's the rest of OAU Silver Surfer. Read it, love it, edit it.

DEVLIN: But why are yo--

I follow cipher. DEVLIN looks down at the mass of paper now sitting on the countertop.

DEVLIN: Bloody Republicans. (That one isn't what you all think. But DEV'll get it).

Cipher finally finds the pub he's been searching for, "The ComicBookMovie". He strides in proudly, owning the room. DrDoom, TheIncredibleHulksta, Lozzy, JDwyler, MCott, HeisenbergSaysRelax and TheSpartanEagle sit at a table, huddled in a circle. One wall of the pub is dedicated to "Legends". DioFoRio, yossarian, BattlinMurdock, teabag and many other past heroes fill the frames of the photographs on the wall. EFMannyCamacho and TheArchivist engage in serious debate over editorial topics. Cipher sits down at the bar. A man in a Galactus suit cleans a glass as he takes cipher's order.

COMICBOOKMOVIE: What'll it be?

CIPHER: Shot o' whiskey please, mate.

COMICBOOKMOVIE: Comin' right up. Josh! Pour me a whiskey!

Cipher takes a look around. Pasto and Cherrybomb sit at a table alone. Cherry looks unimpressed and Pasto is very nervous. Gusto, batz11, Bravado and blackandyellow sit at a table, exchanging images of nude women. Gusto looks up for a moment and spots cipher at the bar. He stands up and makes his way to a bar stool.

GUSTO: You're new here.
I bet I could drink you under the table.
What d'you think, blondie?

CIPHER: I think you've got yourself a challenge old man.

Gusto's companions gather around the pair at the bar. Cipher necks his shot and Gusto orders two large pints of Guinness. RorMachine delivers them their drinks and the whole pub is gathered round to witness.

GUSTO: First to the bottom of the glass wins
If you don't drink it all, you have to spend a week in my basement with my photo army. A lot of which involves cats, goats and Sarah Jessica Parker.

CIPHER: If you don't drink it all, you have to tell everyone here how old you are.

The pub falls silent and Gusto looks worried.

GUSTO: Deal.

The pair grasp their pints as DCMarvelFreshman does a countdown.

DCMF: Three... Two... One... DRINK!

The pair drink with furious speed. A determined look in both their eyes. Gusto reaches the bottom of his glass just a millisecond before cipher, who lets out a sigh of defeat. Gusto and his companions rejoice, McGee now among them.

GUSTO: You're not gonna know what's hit you
when you're in my basement.
Days will lose their meaning
and you may never see the light of day
EVER AGAIN!

CIPHER: Shit... I'm never gonna live this down.

Gusto and his lot drag cipher from the bar, prepared to unleash the horrors of Gusto's basement. I wander up to the bar, looking proudly at the page in front of me. ComicBookMovie takes a glance down at me.

COMICBOOKMOVIE: What you writing there, Nova?

NOVACORPSFAN: Just a script.

COMICBOOKMOVIE: Waitaminute? Is it about the users of the site.

NOVACORPSFAN: Uhh... yes...

COMICBOOKMOVIE: You'd better not post that, I'll bar you if you make it look like the users are idiots or something.

NOVACORPSFAN: Hey, it's a free world ain't it?

COMICBOOKMOVIE: I guess so. Just don't let it hit main!

NOVACORPSFAN: I can't promise that I'm afraid. Jacky! Fetch the slow clap gifs and don't spare the horses!

-----------------------------------------------------------------


Boom.
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52 Comments
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JDwyler444 - 2/13/2014, 5:59 PM
SAW MY NAME
Doopie - 2/13/2014, 6:11 PM
this is a wonderful celebration of this site and it's users (and i'm not just sayin that cuz i'm in there!). I hope it does hit main!! well done nova
HeisenbergSaysRelax - 2/13/2014, 6:18 PM
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK! IT SAYS MY NAME! IT SAYS MY NAME! OH MAN! THIS IS GONNA OPEN UP SO MANY DOORS FOR ME!!
NovaCorpsFan - 2/13/2014, 6:22 PM
Heisen

BenjiWest - 2/13/2014, 6:38 PM
Lol, good job NCF.
MrCBM56 - 2/13/2014, 6:49 PM
HAHA!! Classic.
HeisenbergSaysRelax - 2/13/2014, 7:01 PM
@Nova

A bit of sarcasm, but I really do get a good kick out of being mentioned in stuff. Not sure why, though. It makes me all warm and tingles.
NovaCorpsFan - 2/13/2014, 7:04 PM
There are more satisfying ways to get that feeling, Heisen
cipher - 2/13/2014, 7:12 PM
Hahahahahahaha, NOVA!!

Mate, I don't even know where to start. MrCBM comes in the other thread and tells me to check Fan-Fic, and I'm like "wait, what?" Hehehe, between the Hellboy action figure, the Buffy merch, the guys in the back ogling the birds, and the old bastard 1-upping me at my own game, I'm laughing my arse off. Nicely done, mate..

Now I'm thirsty.

;)
cipher - 2/13/2014, 7:12 PM
Oh, and I still say I'll drink the old man under the table.

NovaCorpsFan - 2/13/2014, 7:18 PM
ciph

Good lad, gettin' right back on that horse!
TheFirstAvenger97 - 2/13/2014, 8:23 PM
Funny stuff. 😄
PsychoManiacJacky - 2/13/2014, 8:26 PM
Good work buddy!

GliderMan - 2/13/2014, 8:32 PM
WHERE THE HELL IS LEVITIKUZ
solidsnakeeyes - 2/13/2014, 8:37 PM
I miss Intruder and Teabag
GliderMan - 2/13/2014, 8:37 PM
Also, this was freaking awesome and I demand a sequel.
CaptainObvious - 2/13/2014, 8:39 PM
A fan-fic based on CBM users.

Well, at least it's better than horrifying Thomas the Tank Engine fan-fic I read on Topless Robot last week.
solidsnakeeyes - 2/13/2014, 8:40 PM
I miss Intruder and Teabag.
SageMode - 2/13/2014, 8:44 PM
I'll deal with that banter.
ndwwrestler2 - 2/13/2014, 8:44 PM
Thumbs Up.
Dunejedi - 2/13/2014, 8:58 PM
Luckily, we're functional drunks. Nice work, Nova.

And where the hell is Dio?
SauronsBANE1 - 2/13/2014, 9:02 PM
Dear Lord that was a riot. Well done!
beto - 2/13/2014, 9:05 PM
I call it fake... cipher doesn't sound british enough.
MightyZeus - 2/13/2014, 9:36 PM
Great stuff Nova. I love it.

NovaCorpsFan - 2/13/2014, 11:39 PM
Alpha

I edited grif into it. I knew I was missing someone.
DEVLIN712 - 2/14/2014, 12:34 AM
Fúcking Republicans...

DEVLIN712 - 2/14/2014, 12:35 AM
Great job Nova. Best FunHouse ever?
MrNiklander - 2/14/2014, 2:44 AM
Great work man I love it
Doopie - 2/14/2014, 3:56 AM
DEVLIN712 - 2/14/2014, 4:10 AM
That's incredible Doop, can't wait to see the finished thing!
Doopie - 2/14/2014, 4:20 AM
afraid this is just a teaser for now DEV. if i had the time i would do it but am super busy at the moment
NovaCorpsFan - 2/14/2014, 6:17 AM
Wee Micky D, lol.

Doopie, haha, looks like a helluva buddy cop movie.
NovaCorpsFan - 2/14/2014, 6:20 AM
And yes, I'd say it's my new favourite.
NovaCorpsFan - 2/14/2014, 6:22 AM
There you go Doops, it's in there.
Doopie - 2/14/2014, 6:30 AM
nice one Nova...did u make main after all?
NovaCorpsFan - 2/14/2014, 6:41 AM
Yeah, it didn't last long though. Never does with fan-fic.
Doopie - 2/14/2014, 6:45 AM
same here
Pasto - 2/14/2014, 6:54 AM
I told you guys.
NovaCorpsFan - 2/14/2014, 6:55 AM
Hey, Pasto, you read it after all!
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