Okay, this COULD BE either really funny, or incredibly lame, and I can handle either, so feel free. The premise is simply that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have dissappointed a lot of people lately, which culminated in making a TERRIBLE Indiana Jones that could have been done better by high school a/v club kids. So I got to thinking "How could they screw up Star Wars or Indiana Jones WORSE?" And here's what I came up with...enjoy!
1)Modeling on the success and melo-drama of "John and Kate", Lucas see's his opportunity to inject new life in Star Wars with a similar notion...
Leia and Han: Plus 8 Kids...(and a Taun taun):
This would be a reality show-syle flick that would follow the aged Han Solo as he and galpal turned wife, Princess Leia raise their 8 kids AND one pet Taun taun. Sure Han has gotten a bit older and a bit less physical, but on the upside think of the crazy shenanigans that this "golden years" couple could get into with 8 potential Jedi or Sith to raise.
2)After Fox gave us "The OC" a bunch of similar shows seemed to pop up, however they were reality based and gave us insight into JUST HOW SHALLOW California can be. Among thsese shows was "The Hills" and in the spirit of...
The Dunes
Padme all grown up (and somehow not dead) has had enough of her broke-ass emo/cyborg boyfriend and decides to live it up in the Sand-Dune Mansions of Tatooine (she thought it would be a nice change after the watery Naboo). In this reality based series, Padme discovers cocaine, 6 figure cars, mega-sized cribs, and disdain for the working-class. That little entourage that she hung around with before marrying Anakin would be her little circle of friends to give the show some "depth". The show will come to an abrupt end after Padme goes to jail on DUI charges for riding hers speeder bike while under a Force/Metachloride-induced high.
3)Where we once had "The Golden Girls" about three 60-something women who learn to adjust to life after newly becoming widowed or divorced (plus one's spunky and funny 80-something mother)...
Star Wars Episode X: The Broken Hip Strikes Back
In this retooling of the old fav, Han Solo, Ben Kenobi, and the Emporer all set aside their differences and move into a Earth townhouse in an old folks community. Soon after, Yoda arrives. It appears he fried his brain with either too much use of the Force...or too much incoherent babbling with his backwards talk. Funny things happen as the four men try to enter the dating scene filled with modern Earth women who are as forward as Han, evil as Palpatine, strong as Ben and annoying as Yoda. Eventually Han becomes a prima-dona and asks to be let out of his contract to go pursue stage-work, meanwhile the show, left the three other men, begins to decline in ratings and the plug is pulled.
4)For those of you who were alive in the eighties, you may remember the after school specials that showed stories of morality and consequence. Understanding that Indiana Jones has some (rapidly declinging) clout, Lucas utlizes this to make an ad about parental responsibilities. We then see Indy and Mutt, and Indy would say:
"For those of you men who think you can walk away from the responsibility of having a child, look at my son Mutt and I. I was a successful teacher slash adventurer who lived a life of action, women, money and a fedora. Then I find out all this time I had had a son. With my IQ he should be a freakin genius but instead is named "Mutt". That's right...Mutt. He's as dumb as a box of rocks and as annoying as a SHAM-WOW commercial, but I can't do anything about the little bastard because George Lucas and Steven Spielberg want to give him the franchise...this dumb, dope-fiend looking kid...THIS is my son"
After standing with Indy the whole time and listening to himself get insulted, Shia, I mean Mutt, finally has enough and begins slapping Indy upside the head at which point the geriatric adventurer falls to the ground and whimpers as Mutt swipes his hat and says:
"Oh, big tough man...listen to you whimper like a little bi-otch. That's right, Indiana Bi-otch...and Indy isn't even your real name you post-mid-life-crisis has-been! It's HENRY!! H-E-N-R-Y...HENRY!! Who the f**ck names themself after a f**cking state anyway?! What kind of a jack-ass are you?! I'll call myself "Wyoming" how bout that you old-age ass-clown!!?? Oh you want your hat back? Huh [holding it in front of Indy who sheepishly reaches for it, only to have Mutt smack his hand, and then throw the hat on the ground and stomp on it]. That's what I think of your hat you over-hyped cowboy-wanna be, affraid of snakes-panzy ass!! Oh and by the way...my name is not "Mutt" it's William!! WILLIAM!! Old ass Indy here just couldn't make it out cause his damn hearing aid wasn't working! So the moral of this story viewers is that if your trash-talkin dad starts running his mouth...pimp smack him like I just did...and go smoke yourself a Tampa nuggett...William out...PEACE"
The commercial never airs but becomes a youtube sensation soon after.
5)And lastly, hoping to reignite the magic of the 90's sit-com phenomenon...Lucas creates:
Jedi's...in this hillarious sit-com, Luke and a few other Jedi get neighboring apartments in NYC that there's no way they can conceivable afford. Three are women and three are men, and they all begin to get menial jobs that again could not sustain such expensive apartments. However the show fails quickly as the Jedi have no sense of humor...or romantic relationships...and they hack people's heads to make them do what they want...and they tend to use a lot of violence to get their points across. With very little to do but attack enemies of the "Republic" the Jedi spend most of their time meditating and viewership rapidbly declies.
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TheDurkinKnight
11/17/2009
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