Happy President's Day, everyone! And guess what? Just recently, several of our favorite comic book characters have announced their plans to run for president of the United States on the 2012 ticket!
Excited?! You should be, dammit! These candidates have the potential to change the frickin' world, people! For real this time. I had the pleasure to speak with people from their campaign staffs, and I also got EXCLUSIVE copies of campaign literature, so between interviews and the materials I've read, I've got the preliminary scoop on the candidates you'll be seeing on the news posthaste!
Check out the candidates' opening messages below, and then vote on whom you'd like to see in the White House in 2013!
President Superman - Democrat
My name is Kal-El from the planet Krypton. I may be an alien, but I've been living on Earth and saving your butts for the better part of a century, so I
know what's good for you. If you want a leader who will give you a big hug after he saves you from alien invaders or the coming robot apocalypse (and don't tell me you don't think one is coming. Have you
seen some of those YouTube videos of crazy machines people are building?), then I'm your man.
You want job creation? You got it! I will revolutionize our economy with the Krypton model of workforce development. I'll create the jobs of the future
today with technology from my home world, and everyone will benefit. You want national security? Well look-y here, I
am national security. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, baby! You want equality for all and all that good stuff? People...
listen. I've been preaching truth, justice, and the American way for, like,
EVER. Puh-leez!
Trust me, people. Superman's the man with the goddamn
PLAN, so vote for me.
President Batman - Republican People, let's just get this all out of the way right now.
No one is better than the Bat at anything.
NO ONE. I'm the awesomest of awesome leaders in or out of costume. Check
this sh** out:
By day, I'm Bruce Wayne, international businessman bazillionaire and philanthropist. I save the world where it really counts, by making deals with the politicians and businessmen who run everything. I know how to make things happen no matter how much red tape there is. I have a black belt in kung-corporate-fu, and I regulate fools in the boardroom all the damn time.
And I'm a loaded industrialist with his hands in everything. If
anyone on the campaign trail knows job creation, it's me. Wayne Enterprises has the tools to keep all kinds of Americans employed no matter what happens in the economy. I've got the skills and expertise to supercharge your economy.
By night, I'm Batman. And you know what that means? I have a PhD in butt whooping, and I'm a frickin'
ninja. I have the right background to handle national security, believe me. I've been developing and using weapons and tools to deliver smackdowns to all kinds of adversaries for YEARS. Don't think I won't do the same to anyone who threatens Americans. Y'all betta recognize.
Vote for me... because a vote for Batman is a vote for awesomeness.
President Wolverine - Independent Hey folks, listen up.
Forget all these other losers because I'm the best there is at what I do. That means I'll be the best at calling the shots, too. I ain't afraid of nuthin', so there's not a single political debate, floor vote, or national emergency that I couldn't handle without breakin' a damn sweat. I've carved up Sentinels, terrorists, and god-like beings from other dimensions and the future. I've got nerves of steel. No, scratch that. I've got nerves of
adamantium.
And I answer to no one but my own moral code. Everyone else? They'll be slaves to their own political parties, associates, and whoever else they're workin' with. But not me, bub. Not me. If you want someone who's
really not a Washington insider who does things the traditional way, then you want me. I don't give a rat's ass who's friends with whom, who's richer than whom, or who's the most well-liked. I'll do what needs to be done, and anyone who tries to say anything had just better deal with it.
If you want a president who's tough enough to do what needs to be done without worrying about how he'll look in the process. Vote Wolverine. I don't care who gets pissed; if I feel like something needs doin' for the greater good, it'll get done.
President Charles Xavier - Mutant Freedom Party Greetings, my fellow Americans. My name is Prof. Charles Xavier, one of the most educated men in the world. You can tell because I'm a professor, I went to school at Oxford, and I have a name like "Charles Xavier." I mean really, doesn't the name "Charles Xavier" just ooze intelligence and sophistication?
Of course it does, my good men and women. Of course it does. In fact, people in Hollywood thought my character was so elite and high class that they made me British in all of the X-Men films. And nothing says classy like a British accent.
You need a leader who’s smarter than you are. Someone who can make the big decisions with a top-notch cranium, and my fellow Americans, that would be me. (And you
know it’s true. I can tell. I’m so smart I can read your minds).
And don’t let my refined pedigree fool you. I know how to speak for the mistreated and looked down upon. I was
the ultimate mutant leader for decades. I ran an educational institution designed to give disenfranchised children the confidence to realize their own greatness. I trained gifted young people to be tomorrow’s decision makers, and I’m proud that many of them are following in my footsteps leading today’s gifted young people as well. My resume says, “He’s the guy who can get things done and lead people to be their best,” and I’m
just the right fit for the Oval Office.
A vote for Charles Xavier, my fellow Americans, is a vote for excellence and class.
So folks, there you have it. So... who'd you vote for?