Movie Theater Etiquette For Morons

Shut up! Maddox of thebestpageintheuniverse.net, has put together a video detailing six rules that all movie theater-goers should follow. It's movie etiquette for morons. Sadly, there are a lot of morons that go to movies and don't understand these basic rules.

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By nailbiter111 - 12/3/2013


First, I want all of you to watch the video above. In it, Maddox explains six rules that EVERYONE should follow while going to see a movie. Most of the rules boil down to one simple philosophy, shut up! Yes, shut up! It is so basic, yet the concept seems to allude many, many movie goers. Are you a doctor or an attorney? No? Oh, well maybe you're the President of the United States, or a fireman? No, none of those? Oh, well then you're not THAT important. So, shut up! If you think you have a reason to open your yap or tap away on a cellphone, you don't! If you desperately need to feel important and want to see if anyone has sent you a text or called, go outside and check your damn phone. Other than that, shut up and watch the movie.

I'd love to go see a movie whenever I like, but I can't trust the people sitting in front of me, or to the sides of me, or behind me. My biggest complaint is texting. It has has gotten so bad over the last few years that I now go out of my way to see a film during the weekdays in the afternoon. Even then, I sit in the far back hoping that my solitude will bring me peacem, yet, no matter how far I sit, or what time I watch, there is always someone within my line of sight that feel compelled to make their cellphone glow. But assholes texting aren't the only issue. I've decided to add two more rules below that were not covered in the video above. Feel free to tell me any rules I missed.


#7. Putting your dirty shoes, feet or socks upon the top of a seat so that you can stretch out and relax is, fucking rude. "But, nobody's here." "I like to stretch out." Fuck you. Fuck you. Oh, and fuck you. This isn't your palace. Did you buy the theater? No? So, shut up and put your feet down on the ground. "But, the floor is sticky?" Move. Most of all, that seat that you're using as an ottoman for the next two hours will be many peoples' headrest in the future, you inconsiderate fuck. How many times do you rest your head where your dirty shoes have been? Oh you don't do that? Okay, so now stop putting other peoples' heads through that.


#8. The movie theater is not your personal babysitter. Congratulations your parents. You and your special, or not so special someone chose to have sex and produce a child. How marvelous. While I hate when other people give out parenting advice I do feel it necessary in this case. Don't bring fucking kids to a movie that is NOT appropriate for them. Hi, R-rated film, yeah that's not okay for any kids still into Barbie Dolls and bumper cars. "Hey, no parent is that dumb." Really? Go tell that to the two geniuses that brought their two under ten kids with them to see The Conjuring. Yeah, that happened. Oh, and it's not an isolated case. Every horror film that I've seen in a theater, outside of maybe one or two has had a BAD parent(s) who brings their youngsters to watch blood and guts strewn across a screen. How delightful for them. "But they like scary movies" No, they don't. You do. "No, I swear this is what they wanted to go see." If they wanted to see "The Ring" you simply use this magical word, it's called, "NO." It's an amazing word. I believe it was invented by a 14th-century whaling captain.

"But, we couldn't find a babysitter" Oh, apparently films only come out for that one window of time and then they stop playing forever. That's news to me. "Well, we can't afford a babysitter." Um, if a babysitter is out of your price range, shelling out dough for tickets, food and drinks isn't exactly a wise investment. So, cut the shit and pay a babysitter. As adorable as you think your kids are, they're not to a stranger who just came to see a movie. We don't want to see your midgets turning a theater into their own personal fun-room.
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Vegeta - 12/3/2013, 4:21 PM
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Jollem - 12/3/2013, 4:26 PM
desperado369 - 12/3/2013, 4:28 PM
Thats why I love Alamo Drafthouse. Wide range of draft on tap and they enforce no talking/texting. Just a great experience every time. Plus they'll usually show hilarious youtube videos instead of behind the scenes of a movie no one cares about.
TheRealistStarLord - 12/3/2013, 4:29 PM
@batz11

I am not surprised if you are a virgin.
CaptainObvious - 12/3/2013, 4:30 PM
When I saw Watchmen opening weekend, a couple brought their daughter who was no older than 10 into the theater. They were sitting a few seats down from me. When the love scene began, I looked over and saw the parents did not take her out of the theater or at least cover her eyes.

Also, when I saw Drag Me to Hell later that year, some douche in front of me had his girlfriend sit in his lap and he shouted out loud how itchy his balls were.
SuperCat - 12/3/2013, 4:32 PM
I can't stand those late muthaf@ckas. "Hell no, I can't move down a seat."

AsianVersionOfET - 12/3/2013, 4:44 PM
As a person who has worked at a theater for five years, yup, this is a good article. Thumbs up for you, nail!
DudeGuyMan - 12/3/2013, 4:46 PM
Awesome article, nail.

BTW, I expect that gif to be on all of your artcles from now on.
FlyingSeel - 12/3/2013, 4:50 PM
Eh [frick] the seat rule you added. I don't lay my feet on the headrest, I put them on the BACK of the headrest, where no ones head is going.

As far as talking and shit, it depends on the movie. If you're yelling out stuff during a Fast and Furious movie who cares, it's all fun and games. But something like American Hustler, you better keep your mouth shut.

I will admit that I'm one of those guys who, with my friends, laugh out loud at shit that isn't supposed to be funny but is just so stupid it is. Deal with it.
VIRILEMAN - 12/3/2013, 4:52 PM
I'm big on the cell phone thing. If it's so important leave the theater. The screens we have now-a-days are just so bright. I can't tell you how many times I've yelled at someone and people clap.
Kyos - 12/3/2013, 4:53 PM
@CaptainObvious

I really don't want to start this discussion, but I can't help but saying: "Really, it was the love scene that bothered you about this? Really?"

So, yeah... (-_-)'
VIRILEMAN - 12/3/2013, 4:54 PM
People were cheering and yelling at The Avengers but everyone was having fun so it was all good.
msullivan1945 - 12/3/2013, 4:55 PM
This was a pretty bad article. The video is absolutely NOT funny followed by some points that fail to deliver...kids shouldn't be in the movie because we, as adults, don't want to hear them. Who cares about them seeing blood and guts. This really should be calling for a boycott of all new released movies. The only way to get rid of the high school kids and overall trash is to watch movies from home. In order to get the movie at home, it has to fail in the box office. I paid $10.75 for an non 3-D matinee the other day...I absolutely refuse to see a movie in theaters and waste the money on Hollywood filth. I love that majority of people complain abut the movies, yet continue to go and let's be honest most of you are the issue and don't even know what a piece of shit you are at a theater.
Kyatollah - 12/3/2013, 4:58 PM
I agree with most of these, especially about the kids (WHO THE BLUE HELL BRINGS A TODDLER TO KICK-ASS 2?!?) although that guy Maddox just sounds like an asshole. (Hope that's just his character.) But 1 and 4 are too cut and dry. I go to the movies often with my friends. We almost always get something to snack on, and we'll almost always have some reaction to the film that involves whispering. Because we're not freaking robots. Difference is, snacking and whispering can be done discreetly and with a mind not to disturb others. Now if I am whispering to a lady friend about a plot point she missed, and some uptight wanker decides to tell me to shut up, he will likely at the very least get told to screw off. And nobody but nobody tells me I can't have my Reese's Pieces and she can't have her Buncha Crunch. If people weren't meant to be able to snack during movies, they wouldn't have concession stands at theaters.

nailbiter111 - 12/3/2013, 4:58 PM
msullivan1945 - the video isn't supposed to be funny.
actionmoviefanatix - 12/3/2013, 5:07 PM
OK, first of all, Yes! I can't stand going to the movies anymore even though I F'ing love movies.

A couple complaints though.
#1 - the guy in the video is kind of a douche.
#2 - Since when is eating in a movie so wrong?
#3 - Not eating in a movie will ultimately put movie theaters out of business.
#4 - Are we all really supposed to walk out of a movie silently as if we just watched a funeral?

But anyways, I agree with the majority of Maddox's and nailbiter's points. Especially that kid thing. Grrr! That annoys me. I'm pretty sure there were a bunch of kids in the theater when I wathed The Expendables 2. That level of blood spray probably isn't good for your kids' brains.

And, is that exploding whale real!?! Holy crap!
plan99fromouterspace - 12/3/2013, 5:17 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIGlswipQVQ
nailbiter111 - 12/3/2013, 5:18 PM
CaptainObvious - 12/3/2013, 5:20 PM
@Kyos- That didn't bother me. What did bother me was two incredibly stupid parents taking their young daughter to see a hard R-rated film. I was just using the love scene as an example of the ignorance on the parents' part. They also didn't do anything when there was any graphic violence onscreen.
AlexanderLykins - 12/3/2013, 5:23 PM
I don't agree with six or seven. If no one else is in the theater I entertain myself by running around or throwing shit around the theater. If no one is in the three seats directly in front of me I put my feet wherever I want. If no one is within five or 6 seats in my row I lay down sometimes. I usually eat right before I got to the movies so snacking isn't a huge issue. Then again I'm not a nut job who gets upset about people smacking their gum, chewing with their mouth open or anything else deemed gross or socially unacceptable. It's an experience and everyone will enjoy it a different way.
AlexanderLykins - 12/3/2013, 5:26 PM
When you go to a movie it should be all about relaxation.
AlexanderLykins - 12/3/2013, 5:31 PM
Also cheering at comic book movies is what the experience is all about. Marvel's The Avengers was so legit to that extent. I hadn't seen people that devoted or excited about a movie since the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter movies. Now that all of those movies have calmed down and superheroes are at the forefront it's cool to have the general audience at their backs.
Kyos - 12/3/2013, 5:32 PM
@CaptainObvious

Fair enough. And I agree, it's a damn bad thing to do.
Joe6Pack74 - 12/3/2013, 5:44 PM
Best article in a long while. But to add if your going to sneak in an adult beverage, do hard liquor. The sound of opening a beer is very distracting. For some reason this is a real problem around here. Also if seeing a sci-fi or comic book movie, take a shower before going out. That is also a rule I would suggest for conventions.
specialkail - 12/3/2013, 5:51 PM
i agree with most of these. the one about not discussing a movie after is a little overdramatic and the snacking thing is pretty stupid. granted im usually full of popcorn by the end of the trailers.

and yeah if no ones in front of you, putting ur feet up is perfectly acceptable
nailbiter111 - 12/3/2013, 5:59 PM
Yeah, the snacking issue seems silly. I don't have an issue with that one, but that really wasn't what I wanted to focus on.
specialkail - 12/3/2013, 6:08 PM
ya i agree w the crinkly ass wrappers.

i def agree w #2 the group of [frick]ers walking in late on opening night and bein all stoop lookin for a seat
ds9epicfan - 12/3/2013, 6:27 PM
Simple solution...no under 25 allowed in the movie theater unless it's aim at a young audience(Twilight,Harry Potter,animated)!I know,it's far-fetched but,man,every time I go to the movies,it,s either teenagers or young adults who won't shut up or stop talking/texting on the phone or throw food at each other.And then there's the kids who can't stop asking questions or whining they want to go home or crying/having a tantrum!This is why a lot of my friends have stopped going to movies and why most general audiences stay home to watch movies.A bunch of crazies have taken over the movie theater from well behaved mature adults.And that's a shame,since we all deserve to go see a movie in peace and quiet!
JackSass - 12/3/2013, 6:36 PM
Movie theater douche baggery isn't just something young people do.
When I saw The Hobbit last year there were three fat old people seated behind us in the theater who just had to talk about things out loud for the entire film.
unknownfacts - 12/3/2013, 6:41 PM
If I wanted to watch a movie in peace I would just stay home an wait for the blu-ray release.Noise,children,and unruly people is par for the course during any public events.
ds9epicfan - 12/3/2013, 6:45 PM
@Conaan
I agree!There are some adults who have 0 movie etiquette,but talking from experiences..I notice it's mostly younger people who disturb your movie watching!Just saying!
ds9epicfan - 12/3/2013, 6:54 PM
@unknownfacts
You're right!!I am starting to stay home and wait for the movie Blu-ray and have no disturbances while I watch it(with feet up on the couch).You just can't win at the movie theater!!
erickrivers - 12/3/2013, 7:17 PM
Be a man and say something to people instead of whining about it on a website. I agree with most of the points but the internet has turned people into tough guys at home and cowards in public. If someone is bothering you with their actions let them know and more often than not they will atleast attempt to fix the problem.
Kyatollah - 12/3/2013, 7:20 PM
I'm starting to think your experience at a movie theater is really reflective of your aptitude for social situations in general. Basically, these things can get annoying, but unless someone is yelling spoilers at the top of their lungs, throwing popcorn at you or their kid is blowing out your eardrum, most of this is really not something to get up in arms over. It sounds like a lot of people should either wait for the dvd or save up for a private theater.
Ace101 - 12/3/2013, 7:31 PM
I agree with this article. I tell people who are talking 'to shut the fuk up'. But that hardley happens cause i only go to watch movies im excited about at the midnight premiere sessions or early screenings so everyone else there is excited to watch the movie, so they wont tolerate the same thing, and hardly do i see kids at those sessions.
beane2099 - 12/3/2013, 8:30 PM
I don't have kids myself but can anyone on this site say they didn't get to see a horror movie well before they were old enough because some adult took them to see it? That's like an old tradition. I worked at a theater for three years and of all the crap that I saw that's one thing I didn't begrudge. Kids in a theater is a risk you take when you go to the theater. All the other stuff I totally agree with though.
TheRealistStarLord - 12/3/2013, 10:37 PM
@batz11

I am surprised indeed. Well, I assume you and your wife barely have sex ever since your 10 year old child was born.
MightyZeus - 12/3/2013, 11:53 PM

Space - 12/3/2013, 11:56 PM
yeah, I'm gonna keep putting up my feet on the top/back part of the seat in front of me when there isn't a lot of people there.
NovaCorpsFan - 12/4/2013, 12:04 AM
batz11

MY EYES!!!
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