TEABAG Reviews Marvel's Avengers

He Had An Army,They Had A Hulk...
And I Had An Explosion In My Pants!!

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By teabag - 4/27/2012
Ill try and keep this spoiler free for my brothers and sister yanks (not forgetting my canadian cousins like Gusto) but boob free...well that i can't promise

So here it is..after all the waiting and hype the Avengers has come to dominate or dissapoint generations of fans and audience members worldwide.
When the movie was announced my decades old love for the book and characters grew faster then my pants were shrinking.

THEN JOSS WHEDON WAS GIVEN THE DIRECTOR'S JOB!!!

God that turned my rock hard expectations into a flacid useless thought that this movie just might suck!

I have never been a fan of Joss.Buffy,Firefly,Angel..and the other stuff no one cares about never made me see the guy as someone who could handle this massive movie, espeacialy since Serenity looked like a tv movie.

But i was wrong to doubt the man...very wrong. You see i dont throw around the word 'Epic' around alot (except when refering to my failures in the bedroom) but this movie is indeed EPIC in every sense of the word and meaning it thrusts upon us


So to begin

The plot..well im sure we all know this by now so lets dig deep into the actors and how they handle their characters and each other

hehehe deep

First we have Samuel (fuckwithmeandillstickeathundergodupyourass) L Jackson as Nick Fury.




This time around we have a more active Fury but we also have a less badass Fury ,many may dissagree on this but this Fury seemed a bit of a treehugger...BUT thats not a bad thing, he is responsible for keeping the world safe but he also realises the world needs to be safe from itself so charging into battle with a kick-ass attitude is not something he is trying to show...nor is it needed.Sam does a descent job but doesnt blow me or anyone else away (hehehe blow me)


Mouldie Shoulders Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill



I have never found any interest in this lady wether it be the actor or character and altho Hill is not an important part of the movie nor given a great amount of screen time she does a good job..especialy in showing she has what it takes in the action genre

Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye is another odity.



one of the biggest complaints i had in the buld up to this movie is his costume and while i still hate it Renner does come across as the Hawkeye that provides the badassaery that we know and love. He has two sides to work on and each is shown to the best through his archery which works better along all the gods and monsters more then you would think

Scalet Johansson as Black Widow is a surprise for me..big time.



In IM2 i found her performance to resemble a fish drowning on oxygen..her pointless pouts and flat delivery made me want any actress in the role other then her. In Avengers she shows that any problems she had in IM2 came from the script for that movie, she has a bigger chunk in this movie but she also shows more range and makes me beleive that she can be someone credible in this fight

Chris Evans as Captain America is a highlight for me.



The great thing about Chris is what he's done to own the role of Cap, his presense in this film doesnt just come from his action scenes (which there are many) but from the fact you dont see Captain America dressed in a bright uniform and odd helmet...all you see is Steve Rogers and he makes you believe it with all his might.
Many have critisised the helmet but no one giggled in the cinema ..mainly cus as i said we see Steve Rogers and we beleive in him, again people have said he lookes smaller then in his solo movie..but to me he actualy looks bigger, this new uniform turns him into a man with a body id love to snuggle up to....real close

RDJ as Iron Man is priceless



With some of the best banter and one liners in the movie we also get to go on a more credible journey with Tony, we also get to see some amazing action with Iron Man that puts both his solo movies to shame.
I'd go as far to say that RDJ gives a better performance as himself and the character then he did in IM

Chris Hemsworth is Thor



As always Hemsworth looks like a god..he acts like a god...but for me even tho some of his scenes are a highlight i kinda missed the more arrogant God of Thunder

Mark Fuffalo as Bruce Banner/Hulk is by far the best in the movie and all other solo movies



Mark gives us a new take but in someways a refreshing throwback to what made Bill Bixby so great. Unlike Eric Banna who droned his way through Hulk and looked like he was knocking one out whilst turning into the hulk Mark shows every kind of emotion and trust me the audience is there with him. Again unlike Nortons banner who mummbled his lines and looked like he just pooped his pants when turning into the Hulk mark is clear in his motivations and clear in his fear of what he is
Plus When he transforms we clench our butts...In Hulk we laughed as he grew bigger and bigger with his incredible growing socks..in TIH we fell asleep as he turned cus is had no impact on screen. Here the audience is with Mark and Banner. Especialy the first transformation that works creepily well and has great tension...plus its a lil spooky
Hulk himself is superb..easily the best onscreen somehow more human yet far more beastial. His power is unmatched in this movie and his connection to the audience is superb..he causes the most laughs and the biggest "FUCK YEAH" when we learn Banner's secret

Tom Hiddleston as Loki



In Thor i thought Tom was great but i was never fully convinced that he was a good enough villain, in Avengers brings the villainy up to eleven
whilst still remaining a fractured person at war with who he is and what he wants to be. Many have compared his performance to Heaths Joker but thats a lil over the top, Tom is great but not on Heaths level with the character but he does come up with a disturbing interegation scene and says a word that made my perverted lil heart giggle with joy






BOOB BREAK














Now lets get into my experience...from the opening to the finnish my cheecks were tight and damp through the bombarding awesomness that lay infront of me.
The action is second to none...i mean it everyone gets a shot and everyone has the power they should have
The comedy is superb...everyone had fun in the theatre, the place was electric especialy with the very welcome humour..there are places where everyone laughed so hard (Hulk being the best at this) that i couldnt remember a time when i heard this joy in an actual comedy. The timing was on the money as if there was a guy holding up a board with "Laugh" written on it...its that good
The FX are also on the money...speaking of money alot was spent but it shows as nothing looks cheap everything looks like they want you to beleive this story and this world of Superheroes

Whedon makes a comic book movie that isnt ashamed to be a comic book movie..nor does it shy from the cheese. Differance is he manages to make the cheese beleivable. They dont make movies like this anymore but from here on i expect many will try...
.. and when people say TDKR and TASM have alot to beat they dont mean it in a flame war way, infact im sure both those movies will be better for deeper story and characterisation but i simply cant beleive that they will manage to offer the sheer joy and specticle Avengers gave to the glowing faces that walked out with me and into the pub

There is alot id like to talk about and id like to talk Agent Coulson but all come under Spoiler imo but one thing i'd like to talk about is the end credit graphics, you probably remember the iron man spec and the journey through the world tree and WW2 homage end graphics for the solo movies..but this one i loved and wished it was at the begining of the movie


You will laugh ..you will cry...you will cheer

Avengers Assemble will make you forget stupid company/movie wars..it will just make you happy that this movie has been made and that the world can see a world we knew was there all along

Im usualy a lil harsh to CBM's but is this the best CBM ever made??

Damn right it is

5 Pairs of boobs out of 5



XyHgPc on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs
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Teabag out..sadly never in
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56 Comments
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GreenHalJordan - 4/27/2012, 7:04 AM
Good news tea! That's 5 pairs which means theres 10 boobs! That's twice the awesomeness! Lol, great review man!
MisterNiceGuy - 4/27/2012, 7:10 AM
I love you man
Coloso - 4/27/2012, 7:19 AM
Hawksblueyes - 4/27/2012, 7:23 AM
Damn you tea! Damn you for not waiting for me!

All joking aside, I do have one question that nobody has seemed to answer. Does Hawkeye posses any of his smartass 616 personality? From the very few lines he had in Thor I would guess he does but I really have no clue.
CraptainAmerica - 4/27/2012, 7:24 AM
There's one big hole (pfft tee hee, hole) in your review...

...I count 10 boobs in your rating. 10 boobs out of 5? I concur. It really was THAT good
SHHH - 4/27/2012, 7:28 AM
Great Review!
Darantino - 4/27/2012, 7:36 AM
Good Job Tea, well done! I'm still writing on my review but the movie didn't let me sleep well last night so I'm still exhausted from the awesomeness I've seen yesterday. Maybe I'll out it up tomorrow.
Hawksblueyes - 4/27/2012, 7:43 AM
Dying over here, in America. With the rest of the people who can't see it yet. Dying. Slowly dying.

I suppose nobody will be interested in my review by the time I get to see the movie but I feel obligated to write one.

Great review BTW my friend. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go back to dying.
Darantino - 4/27/2012, 7:50 AM
Yeah, but I found it strange, at least for me; after movies like Transformers or even Thor, I left the cinema talking, brabbling and laughing over some sort of situations. After the Avengers, I found myself very quiet and thoughtful. There are some things that didn't really grow on me right now, but I'll guess it was the the 3D, I had the feeling I missed a lot of stuff, kinda, I don't know. I hope they have a screening in 2D somewhere near.
Darantino - 4/27/2012, 7:51 AM
Or it was just so awesome that I still can't comprehend what I saw! :D
Kyos - 4/27/2012, 7:55 AM
Amazing review, I agree completely! Also your rating system is boobalicious. :D
Your experience watching the movie matches mine perfectly, it's been quite some time since I had this kind of atmosphere in the cinema. People laughing, cheering, applauding, it was great!

So can we consider you a fellow Whedonite now? ;)
OdinsBeard - 4/27/2012, 8:55 AM
now you KNOW i had to read myself a teabag review...
StrangerX - 4/27/2012, 9:00 AM
@tea I dare not read the review, just wanted you to know how funny that description was.
Rothwilder - 4/27/2012, 9:02 AM
Tea, you only left out one thing. Who is the girl from the boob break? :)
hoperidesalone - 4/27/2012, 9:10 AM
Good lord, friendo. Run this thing by an editor.
MatchesMalone - 4/27/2012, 9:16 AM
You know a movie has to be great if teabag comes out of his boob-cave to write a review! I like your unique take on the review by breaking it down by actor/character. Not to mention the rating system. Classic teabag. Anyway, awesome review, bro. I miss your fancasts. Bring those back, dude. Hopefully it won't be so long until the next time I type to you. Cheers, mate! Viva la boobs!
ksmelley - 4/27/2012, 9:17 AM
SPOILER ALERT:

Here is the end credit scene for anyone that wants to ruin it for themselves

http://filmwatch.com/news/986669/avengers-end-credits-scene-gets-leaked
GreyChaos13Zero - 4/27/2012, 9:18 AM
@tea

great and funny review, I can't wait too watch this?)
koolaidbag - 4/27/2012, 9:19 AM
Aahhhhh you said for my brothers oviously meaning me love you too bro :D
marantaz - 4/27/2012, 9:19 AM
The only problem I have with your review, Tea, is that there weren't enough boob breaks! Only one! One boob break! In a TeaBag review! WTF? It was a great boob break... extensive, if you know what I mean, but still, I expect more....
MatchesMalone - 4/27/2012, 9:25 AM
@Evilos69- Sshhhh! The grown-ups are talking. Go back to the kids' table.
JackBauer - 4/27/2012, 9:25 AM
Wait a minute! Gusto's Canadian?
Brashlight - 4/27/2012, 9:31 AM
Loved this review!!!

Gets my seal of approval....


Biel Bomb!!!



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DrRockso - 4/27/2012, 9:42 AM
Great review, but my inner grammar Nazi is fuming.

When you say "then" instead of "than" is that your British accent?
NeoBaggins - 4/27/2012, 9:53 AM
BEST REVIEW!

A genuine and non-biased review from an objective viewer. Reiterating doubts and how they have been silenced is an honorable narrative. This read is much more refreshing than a review where the poster gushes in the opening of the article, summing up the content that follows in the wall of text below. If the first line of the review tells me it's the best thing since grilled-cheese sandwiches, I can expect that sentiment throughout the review.

Tea at least waited til the sixth paragraph before the actual review to call it EPIC. =)

@Tea

Didn't realize how many views we shared with the outlook of the production and approach in evaluating things up until this point. I too wondered about Whedon being given this project. Nice to get a positive review from someone who wasn't swinging from his balls with a ready-to-go stamp of approval before seeing the first teaser.

I salute you. Can't wait til next week. I like the way you broke down each character in a mini character review with pics. I'd like permission to use a similar format in my inevitable review.

Here, eat this:



AlexDeLarge87 - 4/27/2012, 9:54 AM
Great stuff man!:)

Im going to see it tomorrow! Hoping for the best!
Coldblood6 - 4/27/2012, 10:04 AM
@ TheSharkKnight

You are forgiven.

Really glad you loved it and welcome to the fold.
Greengo - 4/27/2012, 10:14 AM
I too enjoyed this review.

The damp cheeks part was awe inspiring.

But for real thanks for being considerate and not spoiling it ; )
NeoBaggins - 4/27/2012, 10:20 AM
@SuperArgo that chicks body is [frick]ing crazy. Legs are ridiculous. I'd run a bus load of school children of the road for a just a drop of that.
RorMachine - 4/27/2012, 10:28 AM
Great stuff Tea, 5 pairs of boobs indeed! That's actually something the movie could have done with a bit more of..
DrRockso - 4/27/2012, 10:32 AM
Oh my god teabaggins!! I am in love
thalidomide - 4/27/2012, 11:06 AM
@Neo:

I like grilled cheese sandwich O_o

@Tea:

Nice review bud, I was waiting for this :P

I just saw the movie and though my gf and I were planning to see it again next week, she suddenly changed her mind and decided to watch it again. I must say this is the first time I got so excited for a movie, clearly the best cbm IMO, we were still talking about it on the way home. I was smiling the whole time and I agree on your statement above, there is no dull moment it doesn't even feel like a 2 hour movie.

I can't wait to see it again next week!
thalidomide - 4/27/2012, 11:35 AM
@tea:

Well that's a bummer, I bet Mrs. tea will like this movie a lot considering that she's also excited to see this film. I'm still smiling while I'm typing this, I just can't believe that I finally saw the Avengers. :)
kevberg - 4/27/2012, 11:41 AM
AH,
WELL DONE! Now, ...now I can be rest assured that this will rock. I know Whedon can write some good stuff, but for him to convert those that dislike his stuff, thats the mark of a winning accomplishment.

Bring On May 4th!


and TEA--thanks for the boobs.
6of13 - 4/27/2012, 12:46 PM
Nice review Tea. Saw the movie myself yesterday and definitely is awesome. Joss delivered, big time. The humour was fantastic, the acting superb and the action outstanding. I say your review is spot on. I wish I could discuss some of the scenes but that would be giving away spoilers. I agree, the end-credit graphics are fantastic. I think the flight the the World Tree in Thor is my favourite, right after this!

One thing I would like to say about Loki in Thor is that I actually really felt sorry for the guy and could sympathise with him. I felt the same way in The Avengers.

I reckon Black Widow could get her own movie after this.
GiantNerd0720 - 4/27/2012, 12:50 PM
@tea I was pretty excited when i read that you submitted a review because your comments are always hilarious but they're usually pretty short. That being said, I really enjoyed your review. Nice work man.
6of13 - 4/27/2012, 12:52 PM
Forget to mention that the dialogue was brilliant. And I loved the Black Widow/Loki interrogtion scene...brilliant!
6of13 - 4/27/2012, 1:21 PM
Tea@ Agreed, the look on Loki's face after that Hulk smashdown was priceless.
Jollem - 4/27/2012, 1:45 PM
didn't read the review but i gave you a thumb up, and not the dirty kind:)
SpiderFan35 - 4/27/2012, 1:46 PM
@Tea: Great review, and excellent rating system lol.

I know you wouldn't pull any punches if you thought the film was not as great as the hype, so I am more excited than ever to see it now!

I humbly offer boobs in gratitude

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