IRON MAN Safety Alert
Ok, so...as we know the new Iron Man movie is coming soon...Yay! Right? no...Yay wrong! Be warned...should you get all excited after watching the new online trailer and then come home and decide that you too should be an iron clad vigilante of justice...whatever you do...don't take a pair of tin snips and all my mom's baking sheets, my dad's empty Bud Light cans, and then proceed to build myself a kick ass suit of armor...using her good pasta pot as a helmet.
In my ongoing quest to liberate the mind of America, defeat the unjust with my deadly Kung-Fu skills & super sexy dance moves, find a way to write pot off my taxes and get the chick from Kroger to take a bubblebath with me...I've unearthed some life saving info that my just save your life.
Ok, you can do that...but, definitely don't sneak into my neighbor, Old Man Lesky's garage and steal...umm...I mean...liberate a shitload of the fireworks he's been stock piling for the 4th of July, and then duct tape a bunch of roman
candles and other fireworks all over my kickass IRON GUSTO suit.
And, most certainly, don't go up to my second story deck...ignite all of said fireworks and then leap off...expecting to fly down the street to finally get revenge on those 4th graders for tricking me into stickin' my head in stuff all
those times. Cause...umm...yeah...you won't fly. At all...you'll basically plummet a story and a half in a big clusterfuck of razor sharp metal and fireworks.
Sound fun? Well, it's not, my friend. Nor, is hittin' the ground and bein' sliced to the bejesus by a bunch of serrated metal and then having all my
nooks and crannies burned to a crisp by the flaming and exploding fireworks duct taped all over me.
Now, if someone could come collect me off my front lawn and take me to the ER...before those lil rat bastard 4th graders find me layin' here... I'd be forever in your debt.
Dear God, I hope they can reattach my junk...I really need my junk. Fireworks safety is no joke, people!
Prof. Gusto K. St. Cool...aka...IRON GUSTO.
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