Movie Theater Etiquette For Morons

Movie Theater Etiquette For Morons

Shut up! Maddox of, has put together a video detailing six rules that all movie theater-goers should follow. It's movie etiquette for morons. Sadly, there are a lot of morons that go to movies and don't understand these basic rules.

First, I want all of you to watch the video above. In it, Maddox explains six rules that EVERYONE should follow while going to see a movie. Most of the rules boil down to one simple philosophy, shut up! Yes, shut up! It is so basic, yet the concept seems to allude many, many movie goers. Are you a doctor or an attorney? No? Oh, well maybe you're the President of the United States, or a fireman? No, none of those? Oh, well then you're not THAT important. So, shut up! If you think you have a reason to open your yap or tap away on a cellphone, you don't! If you desperately need to feel important and want to see if anyone has sent you a text or called, go outside and check your damn phone. Other than that, shut up and watch the movie.

I'd love to go see a movie whenever I like, but I can't trust the people sitting in front of me, or to the sides of me, or behind me. My biggest complaint is texting. It has has gotten so bad over the last few years that I now go out of my way to see a film during the weekdays in the afternoon. Even then, I sit in the far back hoping that my solitude will bring me peacem, yet, no matter how far I sit, or what time I watch, there is always someone within my line of sight that feel compelled to make their cellphone glow. But assholes texting aren't the only issue. I've decided to add two more rules below that were not covered in the video above. Feel free to tell me any rules I missed.

#7. Putting your dirty shoes, feet or socks upon the top of a seat so that you can stretch out and relax is, fucking rude. "But, nobody's here." "I like to stretch out." Fuck you. Fuck you. Oh, and fuck you. This isn't your palace. Did you buy the theater? No? So, shut up and put your feet down on the ground. "But, the floor is sticky?" Move. Most of all, that seat that you're using as an ottoman for the next two hours will be many peoples' headrest in the future, you inconsiderate fuck. How many times do you rest your head where your dirty shoes have been? Oh you don't do that? Okay, so now stop putting other peoples' heads through that.

#8. The movie theater is not your personal babysitter. Congratulations your parents. You and your special, or not so special someone chose to have sex and produce a child. How marvelous. While I hate when other people give out parenting advice I do feel it necessary in this case. Don't bring fucking kids to a movie that is NOT appropriate for them. Hi, R-rated film, yeah that's not okay for any kids still into Barbie Dolls and bumper cars. "Hey, no parent is that dumb." Really? Go tell that to the two geniuses that brought their two under ten kids with them to see The Conjuring. Yeah, that happened. Oh, and it's not an isolated case. Every horror film that I've seen in a theater, outside of maybe one or two has had a BAD parent(s) who brings their youngsters to watch blood and guts strewn across a screen. How delightful for them. "But they like scary movies" No, they don't. You do. "No, I swear this is what they wanted to go see." If they wanted to see "The Ring" you simply use this magical word, it's called, "NO." It's an amazing word. I believe it was invented by a 14th-century whaling captain.

"But, we couldn't find a babysitter" Oh, apparently films only come out for that one window of time and then they stop playing forever. That's news to me. "Well, we can't afford a babysitter." Um, if a babysitter is out of your price range, shelling out dough for tickets, food and drinks isn't exactly a wise investment. So, cut the shit and pay a babysitter. As adorable as you think your kids are, they're not to a stranger who just came to see a movie. We don't want to see your midgets turning a theater into their own personal fun-room.
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blackscienceman - 12/3/2013, 4:21 PM
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Jollem - 12/3/2013, 4:26 PM
desperado369 - 12/3/2013, 4:28 PM
Thats why I love Alamo Drafthouse. Wide range of draft on tap and they enforce no talking/texting. Just a great experience every time. Plus they'll usually show hilarious youtube videos instead of behind the scenes of a movie no one cares about.
TheVirgin - 12/3/2013, 4:29 PM

I am not surprised if you are a virgin.
CaptainObvious - 12/3/2013, 4:30 PM
When I saw Watchmen opening weekend, a couple brought their daughter who was no older than 10 into the theater. They were sitting a few seats down from me. When the love scene began, I looked over and saw the parents did not take her out of the theater or at least cover her eyes.

Also, when I saw Drag Me to Hell later that year, some douche in front of me had his girlfriend sit in his lap and he shouted out loud how itchy his balls were.
SuperCat - 12/3/2013, 4:32 PM
I can't stand those late [email protected] "Hell no, I can't move down a seat."

AsianVersionOfET - 12/3/2013, 4:44 PM
As a person who has worked at a theater for five years, yup, this is a good article. Thumbs up for you, nail!
FlyingSeel - 12/3/2013, 4:50 PM
Eh [frick] the seat rule you added. I don't lay my feet on the headrest, I put them on the BACK of the headrest, where no ones head is going.

As far as talking and shit, it depends on the movie. If you're yelling out stuff during a Fast and Furious movie who cares, it's all fun and games. But something like American Hustler, you better keep your mouth shut.

I will admit that I'm one of those guys who, with my friends, laugh out loud at shit that isn't supposed to be funny but is just so stupid it is. Deal with it.
VIRILEMAN - 12/3/2013, 4:52 PM
I'm big on the cell phone thing. If it's so important leave the theater. The screens we have now-a-days are just so bright. I can't tell you how many times I've yelled at someone and people clap.
Kyos - 12/3/2013, 4:53 PM

I really don't want to start this discussion, but I can't help but saying: "Really, it was the love scene that bothered you about this? Really?"

So, yeah... (-_-)'
VIRILEMAN - 12/3/2013, 4:54 PM
People were cheering and yelling at The Avengers but everyone was having fun so it was all good.
msullivan1945 - 12/3/2013, 4:55 PM
This was a pretty bad article. The video is absolutely NOT funny followed by some points that fail to shouldn't be in the movie because we, as adults, don't want to hear them. Who cares about them seeing blood and guts. This really should be calling for a boycott of all new released movies. The only way to get rid of the high school kids and overall trash is to watch movies from home. In order to get the movie at home, it has to fail in the box office. I paid $10.75 for an non 3-D matinee the other day...I absolutely refuse to see a movie in theaters and waste the money on Hollywood filth. I love that majority of people complain abut the movies, yet continue to go and let's be honest most of you are the issue and don't even know what a piece of shit you are at a theater.
Kyatollah - 12/3/2013, 4:58 PM
I agree with most of these, especially about the kids (WHO THE BLUE HELL BRINGS A TODDLER TO KICK-ASS 2?!?) although that guy Maddox just sounds like an asshole. (Hope that's just his character.) But 1 and 4 are too cut and dry. I go to the movies often with my friends. We almost always get something to snack on, and we'll almost always have some reaction to the film that involves whispering. Because we're not freaking robots. Difference is, snacking and whispering can be done discreetly and with a mind not to disturb others. Now if I am whispering to a lady friend about a plot point she missed, and some uptight wanker decides to tell me to shut up, he will likely at the very least get told to screw off. And nobody but nobody tells me I can't have my Reese's Pieces and she can't have her Buncha Crunch. If people weren't meant to be able to snack during movies, they wouldn't have concession stands at theaters.

actionmoviefanatix - 12/3/2013, 5:07 PM
OK, first of all, Yes! I can't stand going to the movies anymore even though I F'ing love movies.

A couple complaints though.
#1 - the guy in the video is kind of a douche.
#2 - Since when is eating in a movie so wrong?
#3 - Not eating in a movie will ultimately put movie theaters out of business.
#4 - Are we all really supposed to walk out of a movie silently as if we just watched a funeral?

But anyways, I agree with the majority of Maddox's and nailbiter's points. Especially that kid thing. Grrr! That annoys me. I'm pretty sure there were a bunch of kids in the theater when I wathed The Expendables 2. That level of blood spray probably isn't good for your kids' brains.

And, is that exploding whale real!?! Holy crap!
plan99fromouterspace - 12/3/2013, 5:17 PM
CaptainObvious - 12/3/2013, 5:20 PM
@Kyos- That didn't bother me. What did bother me was two incredibly stupid parents taking their young daughter to see a hard R-rated film. I was just using the love scene as an example of the ignorance on the parents' part. They also didn't do anything when there was any graphic violence onscreen.
AlexanderLykins - 12/3/2013, 5:23 PM
I don't agree with six or seven. If no one else is in the theater I entertain myself by running around or throwing shit around the theater. If no one is in the three seats directly in front of me I put my feet wherever I want. If no one is within five or 6 seats in my row I lay down sometimes. I usually eat right before I got to the movies so snacking isn't a huge issue. Then again I'm not a nut job who gets upset about people smacking their gum, chewing with their mouth open or anything else deemed gross or socially unacceptable. It's an experience and everyone will enjoy it a different way.
AlexanderLykins - 12/3/2013, 5:26 PM
When you go to a movie it should be all about relaxation.
AlexanderLykins - 12/3/2013, 5:31 PM
Also cheering at comic book movies is what the experience is all about. Marvel's The Avengers was so legit to that extent. I hadn't seen people that devoted or excited about a movie since the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter movies. Now that all of those movies have calmed down and superheroes are at the forefront it's cool to have the general audience at their backs.
Kyos - 12/3/2013, 5:32 PM

Fair enough. And I agree, it's a damn bad thing to do.
Joe6Pack74 - 12/3/2013, 5:44 PM
Best article in a long while. But to add if your going to sneak in an adult beverage, do hard liquor. The sound of opening a beer is very distracting. For some reason this is a real problem around here. Also if seeing a sci-fi or comic book movie, take a shower before going out. That is also a rule I would suggest for conventions.
ds9epicfan - 12/3/2013, 6:27 PM
Simple under 25 allowed in the movie theater unless it's aim at a young audience(Twilight,Harry Potter,animated)!I know,it's far-fetched but,man,every time I go to the movies,it,s either teenagers or young adults who won't shut up or stop talking/texting on the phone or throw food at each other.And then there's the kids who can't stop asking questions or whining they want to go home or crying/having a tantrum!This is why a lot of my friends have stopped going to movies and why most general audiences stay home to watch movies.A bunch of crazies have taken over the movie theater from well behaved mature adults.And that's a shame,since we all deserve to go see a movie in peace and quiet!
ManThing - 12/3/2013, 6:36 PM
Movie theater douche baggery isn't just something young people do.
When I saw The Hobbit last year there were three fat old people seated behind us in the theater who just had to talk about things out loud for the entire film.
unknownfacts - 12/3/2013, 6:41 PM
If I wanted to watch a movie in peace I would just stay home an wait for the blu-ray release.Noise,children,and unruly people is par for the course during any public events.
ds9epicfan - 12/3/2013, 6:45 PM
I agree!There are some adults who have 0 movie etiquette,but talking from experiences..I notice it's mostly younger people who disturb your movie watching!Just saying!
ds9epicfan - 12/3/2013, 6:54 PM
You're right!!I am starting to stay home and wait for the movie Blu-ray and have no disturbances while I watch it(with feet up on the couch).You just can't win at the movie theater!!
erickrivers - 12/3/2013, 7:17 PM
Be a man and say something to people instead of whining about it on a website. I agree with most of the points but the internet has turned people into tough guys at home and cowards in public. If someone is bothering you with their actions let them know and more often than not they will atleast attempt to fix the problem.
Kyatollah - 12/3/2013, 7:20 PM
I'm starting to think your experience at a movie theater is really reflective of your aptitude for social situations in general. Basically, these things can get annoying, but unless someone is yelling spoilers at the top of their lungs, throwing popcorn at you or their kid is blowing out your eardrum, most of this is really not something to get up in arms over. It sounds like a lot of people should either wait for the dvd or save up for a private theater.
Ace101 - 12/3/2013, 7:31 PM
I agree with this article. I tell people who are talking 'to shut the fuk up'. But that hardley happens cause i only go to watch movies im excited about at the midnight premiere sessions or early screenings so everyone else there is excited to watch the movie, so they wont tolerate the same thing, and hardly do i see kids at those sessions.
beane2099 - 12/3/2013, 8:30 PM
I don't have kids myself but can anyone on this site say they didn't get to see a horror movie well before they were old enough because some adult took them to see it? That's like an old tradition. I worked at a theater for three years and of all the crap that I saw that's one thing I didn't begrudge. Kids in a theater is a risk you take when you go to the theater. All the other stuff I totally agree with though.
TheVirgin - 12/3/2013, 10:37 PM

I am surprised indeed. Well, I assume you and your wife barely have sex ever since your 10 year old child was born.
MightyZeus - 12/3/2013, 11:53 PM

Space - 12/3/2013, 11:56 PM
yeah, I'm gonna keep putting up my feet on the top/back part of the seat in front of me when there isn't a lot of people there.
NovaCorpsFan - 12/4/2013, 12:04 AM

MsDarkPhoenix - 12/4/2013, 1:49 AM
When I was watching IM3, I screamed 'WHAT THE [FRICK]' when I found out that Mandarin was an actor. But I was at the midnight screening and it was full of people who like comic books so I guess they understood and they forgave me. They were pretty much thinking of the same thing, I just expressed their thoughts.
joetaormina - 12/4/2013, 4:23 AM
This guy's an elitist clown.

Movie theaters sell snacks. Their sale of snacks is part of what keeps them in business. Who the hell is he to say that people cannot eat those snacks during a film they paid good money to see.

When a movie is finished, part of the theater going experience is talking about it with your friends afterwards. To call some a moron and assume that a films "themes" were not understood by them simply because they are excited to talk about it directly after viewing it is the behavior of an elitist. It's as if the maker of this video sat for ten minutes after "The Avengers" and contemplated what he just viewed before excitedly discussing it with his friends.

Going to a theater is a shared experience. That is what makes it such a treat. If you can't handle it, stay home by yourself and wax poetic on the philosophical ramifications of "The Man of Steel" with your cat.
redcapeguy - 12/4/2013, 6:21 AM
Some of the complaints here happened to me too while I was watching Thor 2. I usually watch at the front row because sitting at the back has a lot of distractions. Some kid behind me kept kicking the back of my seat, and to make matters worse, his mom kept giving commentaries in a loud whisper so that he can understand...It was very annoying but it didn't really get to me that much. When you're in the front seats, the screen that near to your face can be hard to ignore. I did, however, enjoy the movie, and I thought it was very fun and entertaining.

So yeah...for those who have kids, make sure that they're old enough to behave themselves and to understand the plot; otherwise you'll just end up explaining to them every second what's happening on the screen and, in doing so, disturb the other moviegoers. If they are too young to comprehend, wait for the bluray/dvd to come out. You can explain to your heart's content at home.

For everyone else, please don't bring anything that involves bright lights, e.g., camera, phones, laptop, etc. It's incredibly distracting. Weren't you taught etiquette and common courtesy? Geez. Be mindful that the other moviegoers paid the exact same money as you did. Why should you be given special treatment?
marantaz - 12/4/2013, 8:19 AM
Great article.
As for those of you who think putting your feet on the furniture is ok... (1) Did you visit the restroom before you sat down? (2) Did you watch every step you took after putting your shoes on so that you never got anything nasty on your shoes? If you answered yes to 1 or no to 2 (and if you're honest, you answered no to 2), then grow up and keep your feet off the furniture, assholes!

This makes me think of all the places kids don't belong...

Children under 6 do not belong:

All of the following but especially...
In theatres with films that are not aimed at that age group
In restaurants that do not have playgrounds
In stores during the holidays
On a plane
At public events
Playing in the streets
In my house or near me

Children 6 to 14 do not belong:
In theatres with movies rated R or above
In restaurants that do not have playgrounds without parental supervision.
Anywhere near me without parental supervision (if that parent ACTUALLY has parenting skills...otherwise, they too should stay away from me)
In my house

So glad my are adults now...

The talking and texting in theatres isn't that bad here, but I think it depends on the film and the audience it attracts...

Some of you guys are friggin hilarious...
ABH1979 - 12/4/2013, 9:08 AM
When we want to watch a movie opening day/weekend, my girlfriend and I go to the more expensive theater in the touristy part of the city -- it's usually quite empty, and rarely has many kids.

I'll gladly pay an extra couple bucks to ensure a better movie experience...

(I'm not saying everyone should do this, it's just the only way for us to avoid numerous jackasses.)

jlabatman - 12/4/2013, 10:54 AM
Damn it batz, you and your ever loving clopping ways!
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