EDITORIAL: CBM USer Carl Taylor 's Grievances With MAN OF STEEL
In this editorial, CBM User Carl Taylor expresses his issues with Zack Snyder's Man Of Steel, starring Henry Cavill. "Take it seriously or don't. The choice is yours," he says.
My Grievances With Man Of Steel
The CBMs of 2013 all had some problems, but I decided to express my grievances with Man Of Steel.
Grievance #1 The lousiest army in the universe.
In Man of Steel, all Kryptonian babies are genetically engineered. Zod was born to be a warrior and Jor-El was born to be a scientist. On two separate occasions, Jor-El (a scientist) was able to take out two squads of trained soldiers. How the fuck does a scientist kill two different teams of trained soldiers? Jor-El also defeated Krypton's military leader (Zod) by busting out some Tekken style fight moves.
Grievance #2 Jor-El was more of a rebel than Zod was.
Zod led a failed rebellion on Krypton that made absolutely no sense. If Zod were to succeed, nothing would have changed except for Zod being in control. Jor-El rebelled for a reason and it made sense. Jor-El wanted his race to live on, but he knew it couldn't on Krypton so he stole the codex and infused it with his naturally born child and sent them both into space. Jor-El has once again beat Zod at his own game.
Grievance #3 Jonathan Kent is a huge asshole.
When Clark saved his classmates from a watery grave, Pa Kent suggested that Clark shouldn't have saved them, here's the problem with that, a lot more eyebrows would have been raised if Clark was the only one to have survived the crash. Jonathan Kent's final moments was also a dick move. Instead of letting Clark save him, he made his wife and adopted son watch him die. He clearly didn't give a rats ass about traumatizing his son and breaking his wife's heart.
Grievance #4 Lois Lane was a one-dimensional character.
Lois Lane was so annoying in Man Of Steel, when she said the "measuring dicks" line, I just knew that she was only in the movie to play the "mean lady who becomes nice when she gets some super powered strange" role.
Grievance #5 Clark Kent don't give a shit bout yo job.
Clark Kent gets heckled by a drunk trucker and walks away, this would be good enough to show that Clark is the bigger man, but no, he destroys the man's truck and livelihood. Did Clark even seem to think that that guy could have been trying to support his family? How did Clark know which truck was his? Did he smash all of them just to be sure? In the Battle of Smallville, he destroys a bank, a Sears, an IHOP, and a 7-11. The 7-11 and IHOP both had people in them! Half of his home town is unemployed because he couldn't have fought Zod in a field.
Grievance #6 Lack of Torture
As a proud citizen of America (Fuck yeah!) I know what my Govt. does to people who've seen things that they shouldn't. When Lois Lane was apprehended by the military, they should've had a field day water boarding her ass.
Grievance #7 We don't negotiate with terrorists (Zod and the funky bunch)
The US of A don't negotiate with alien scum!
Grievance #8 The world has just been threatened, why the hell aren't you consulting with your space dad?
If Clark would have talked to Jor-El after Zod threatened earth, Clark would have known how to stop them. Why are you in damn church, when you can stop Zod without collateral damage?
Grievance #9 Why couldn't Zod just colonize Mars?
HISHE pointed out this glaring hole during their "How Thor: The Dark World should have ended" video. There really is no reason why Zod couldn't have terraformed Mars. So many lives could have been saved.
Grievance #10 Run, you dumb-asses!
When Zod and Supes crashed into the train station, Zod focused his heat vision on the world's dumbest family. These morons had ample time to run out of the way of the blast.
Grievance #11 Who doesn't want superpowers?
Zod doesn't want to share the earth because he thinks it will be to painful to adapt to superpowers, even though a very young Clark had that shit down in one school day. I would want to get stabbed if it meant I could develop superpowers.
Grievance #12 Superman killed Zod to feel special.
Before Superman destroyed the scout ship, (why did it have a birthing chamber if the space program was cut before natural birth conception?) he shouted "Krypton had its chance!" Krypton still could have lived without the codex, but deep inside, Clark knew that he was one of a kind and would stop at nothing to make sure of it, even if it meant killing the rest of his race.
Grievance #13 Kryptonian women are completely unnecessary.
With the birthing chambers already capable of carrying children, all that would be needed is a man's special sauce to fertilize the artificial eggs. In theory, if the Kryptonians would have realized that women wouldn't be needed anymore when they first started the ban on natural births, then the events of Man Of Steel would never have happened.
Grievance #14 The forced first kiss.
After stopping the world engine and Zod's men, Lois and Clark share a kiss on the ashes of Metropolis. Why was the kiss even needed? Under no circumstance would the kiss be necessary.
Grievance #15 Zod gets killed by someone who has only had his first fight about 2-3 hours ago.
Once again, Zod the general, loses to someone who has no military training whatsoever. At this point, I'm pretty sure any Kryptonian can defeat Zod.
Grievance #16 Lack of Slo-Mo.
Man Of Steel is above all else, a Zack Snyder movie, so to expect some slow motion action is warranted. Man Of Steel had no slo-mo at all! All we got was an assload of shakycam. I saw this movie in 3D and got motion sickness because Snyder doesn't believe in tripods.
Grievance #17 A Harbinger of Death.
Man of Steel was promoted as the defining Superman movie. Throughout numerous trailers and television spots, audio of Jor-El telling Supes that he will be a beacon of hope were heard over and over again. When Man Of Steel was finally released in theaters, I thought "Yes! This will be awesome to see the big blue Boy Scout back and better than ever!" I have never been so wrong in my entire life. Every time Clark suited up, destruction quickly followed. Clark saved more people out of his suit than in it.
In conclusion, Man Of Steel was alright. Not good, but not bad. A lot of things were very poorly explained. However, I will say that the action was amazing but the destruction was not. If you didn't like this editorial, then go fuck yourself and read one of the many editorials that suckle on Man Of Steel's hairy teat. *Drops mic* I'm out!
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