Course Descriptions at the Xavier Institute
Attention all mutants! Feel the need to hide from a world that fears and hates you? Enroll now at the Xavier Institute before classes fill up!
Course Descriptions at the Xavier Institute
Mindreading and Writing
Instructor: Professor Charles Xavier Ph.D.
Learn the 'Three R's' of being a psychic: Reading - The ability to decipher peoples' complex thoughts and feelings and understand the signals you are getting; Writing - Making people think what you want them to think; and Erasing - How to turn people into vegetables. All psychic mutants are required to take this course and learn the ethics of mindreading. Learn what information is okay to talk about, like, what sports teams people like and their favorite movies, vs. what information you shouldn't bring up, i.e. they wear a wig, they like autoerotic asphyxiation, etc. Take the opportunity to learn under the world-renowned "Professor X" before someone kills him again.
Cooking with Adamantium Claws
Instructor: Professor Logan "Wolverine"
A follow-up course to "Preparing Frozen Desserts" with Professor Bobby "Iceman" Drake, "Cooking with Adamantium Claws" teaches you practical culinary uses for your Adamantium claws, including slicing, dicing, chopping, skewering, cubing, mincing, butchering and filleting. Learn how to use your claws as precision instruments rather than just tools of destruction. After six weeks under the tutelage of Professor Logan, you'll be saying "I'm the best there is at what I do, and what I do is very tasty!" Note: instructor is prone to 'Berserker Rages' so blade safety must be practiced at all times.
Laser-Eye Target Practice
Instructor: Professor Scott “Cyclops” Summers
Join the leader of the X-Men in the Danger Room for Laser-Eye Target Practice. Cyclops will teach you how to use your optical beams for power, like busting down walls, as well as precision, like knocking a gun out of someone’s hands. The Danger Room will provide a number of different challenges and obstacles that will help you perfect your aim. You must be familiar with Danger Room equipment prior to taking this class; students should already have taken Professor Colossus’ “Danger Room Dodgeball.” Advanced Laser-Eye training will help you become the perfect field leader for other mutants. Note: Any student found hitting on Professor Summers’ girlfriend will be removed from the class.
Exploding Card Tricks
Instructor: Professor Remy “Gambit” LeBeau
Forget poker and black-jack, Professor Gambit will teach how to make playing cards into lethal weapons! Learn how to channel kinetic energy to charge objects and make them explode. Use a joker to play a practical joke, make a queen of hearts truly disappear or use a jack of spades to kill that guy Jack who always steals your mail. Take this course and find out how cards can be used for much more than playing games. Note: instructor is not responsible for personal items that go missing or stolen in his classroom.
Instructor: Professor Ororo “Storm” Munroe
Ever have weekend plans cancelled due to a rainy day? Are you trying to grow a garden but everything is too dry? Want snow on Christmas but the clouds didn’t deliver? In short, are you tired of Mother Nature running your life? This elective course will empower you and put you in charge of your own destiny. You will learn to control the forces of nature to give you whatever weather you desire. Have it rain only when you want to, make sure a clear day at the beach stays that way and tear apart your enemies homes with a twister. Learning these skills has proven to be a very uplifting experience and will allow you to always keep on the sunny side of life – literally.
Super Sonic Singing Lessons
Instructor: Professor Sean “Banshee” Cassidy
Learn to sing for your life in Professor Banshee’s vocal class. The super sonic mutant will show you how to shatter windows with your falsetto and break glass while singing “Achy Breaky Heart.” This course will teach you how to use your voice for more than just talking, but as a fearsome weapon. Those who pass will qualify for Banshee’s advanced course where you can learn to kill a man by only whistling. Note: Course not recommended with mutants prone to migraines.
Instructor: Professor Forge
Being a mutant, you’ll always have to watch your back for ignorant humans who want to kill you, and of all the tools of destruction borne out of humanity’s fear and hatred of mutants, none is more destructive than the deadly sentinels. In this class, Professor Forge will show you the basic hardware and programming of the giant robots who have just one goal: kill mutants. You’ll learn how to disarm and deactivate sentinels during combat and also find out how to reprogram them to do your bidding, like getting you soda and playing chess against you.
Balancing Your Checkbook
Instructor: Professor Jamie "Multiple Man" Madrox
Something everyone should know how to do, Homo-Sapien and Homo-Superior. Required for all students.
Physics While Defying Physics
Instructor: Dr. Henry "Beast" McCoy Ph.D.
A required course for science majors, this class teaches you the fundamentals of physics while also keeping you physically fit. Study mass while expanding your muscle mass, balance equations while keeping your balance, and learn the laws of gravity while standing on the ceiling! Other Recommended Course: "Reading Updike Upside Down." Note: courses taught by Dr. McCoy are not recommended for mutants with allergies to animal fur.
Instructor: Dr. Wade "Deadpool" Wilson, MD, Ph.D., MBA, NHL, GPS, LSD
Not happy with your lot in life? Do you wear a mask to hide a disfigured face? Are you regularly hunted by the law? Is your only friend a decapitated head? Do you spend all your time just reading articles on Comicbookmovie.com? Why not kill yourself! Dr. Wilson will teach you how to kill yourself safely and without pain (not guaranteed). Learn the best, most fun ways to end your miserable existence and how to do it safely so that you may do it again and again. Note: healing factor is recommended to pass this course.
Advanced Flying Lessons
Instructor: Professor Warren “Angel” Worthington III
Spread your wings and fly under the direction of the mutant known as Angel. He’ll teach you to soar like and eagle, dive like a swan, and float like a butterfly. Also, learn how to use your flight in combat and how to quickly retreat from evil Egyptian mutants. By the end of this six week intensive, you’ll be flying high like Gabriel. Note: Professor Worthington is well known for his angelic appearance, but theological discussions will not be held in this class, if that is what you are looking for, see Professor Nightcrawler’s Sunday School.
Weight Lifting – With Your Mind
Instructor: Dr. Jean Grey
Hone your telekinetic powers in this six week intensive course designed to make you a master of moving things with your mind. The course starts out easy, with students moving objects like pens and pencils. Then, you will move onto weights, gradually going from 5lbs up to several hundred. By the time this course is over you will have the ability to move automobiles with just a thought, bench-press any amount of weight without lifting a finger, and scare your friends into thinking there’s a poltergeist in their house.
Instructor: Professor Kurt "Nightcrawler" Wagner
Learn to teleport safely and securely in this beginners course for teleporting mutants. Avoid mistakes like teleporting into walls, transporting only half your body, and getting your tail stuck in an alternate dimension. You will also learn other uses for your power, like how to play catch by yourself, how to always place first in a marathon, and how to get a beer without walking all the way to the refrigerator. Pass this class and become eligible for the advanced teleporting class, where you can learn to skydive without a parachute, or a plane! Note: extended teleporting may induce nausea.
Instructor: Professor Lorna “Polaris” Dane
Learn a language that has been growing rapidly throughout the universe. With their ability to shapeshift into any form, the Skrulls have been integrating themselves into societies across several galaxies, including ours. Your best friend could be a Skrull and you wouldn’t even know it! The Skrulls have made a reputation for themselves by traveling across solar systems and colonizing everyone in their path. You never know if Earth may be next. Learn Skrull as soon as you can, you may really need it someday
Time Travelling: Do’s & Don’ts
Instructor: Professor Bishop
Learn the fundamentals of tearing through space-time from a mutant from 80 years in the future. Professor Bishop will teach you the ethics of time travelling: good reasons to time travel, like stopping a murder or saving humanity vs. bad reasons to time travel, like you missed the beginning of a movie. Bishop will also get into the basic principles of quantum physics while also pointing out the scientific inaccuracies of the “Back to the Future” films. Note: Students who fail the final exam will not be able to time travel back in time to take it again.
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