TEABAG Reviews Marvel's Avengers

TEABAG Reviews Marvel's Avengers

He Had An Army,They Had A Hulk...
And I Had An Explosion In My Pants!!

Ill try and keep this spoiler free for my brothers and sister yanks (not forgetting my canadian cousins like Gusto) but boob free...well that i can't promise

So here it is..after all the waiting and hype the Avengers has come to dominate or dissapoint generations of fans and audience members worldwide.
When the movie was announced my decades old love for the book and characters grew faster then my pants were shrinking.


God that turned my rock hard expectations into a flacid useless thought that this movie just might suck!

I have never been a fan of Joss.Buffy,Firefly,Angel..and the other stuff no one cares about never made me see the guy as someone who could handle this massive movie, espeacialy since Serenity looked like a tv movie.

But i was wrong to doubt the man...very wrong. You see i dont throw around the word 'Epic' around alot (except when refering to my failures in the bedroom) but this movie is indeed EPIC in every sense of the word and meaning it thrusts upon us

So to begin

The plot..well im sure we all know this by now so lets dig deep into the actors and how they handle their characters and each other

hehehe deep

First we have Samuel (fuckwithmeandillstickeathundergodupyourass) L Jackson as Nick Fury.

This time around we have a more active Fury but we also have a less badass Fury ,many may dissagree on this but this Fury seemed a bit of a treehugger...BUT thats not a bad thing, he is responsible for keeping the world safe but he also realises the world needs to be safe from itself so charging into battle with a kick-ass attitude is not something he is trying to show...nor is it needed.Sam does a descent job but doesnt blow me or anyone else away (hehehe blow me)

Mouldie Shoulders Cobie Smulders as Maria Hill

I have never found any interest in this lady wether it be the actor or character and altho Hill is not an important part of the movie nor given a great amount of screen time she does a good job..especialy in showing she has what it takes in the action genre

Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye is another odity.

one of the biggest complaints i had in the buld up to this movie is his costume and while i still hate it Renner does come across as the Hawkeye that provides the badassaery that we know and love. He has two sides to work on and each is shown to the best through his archery which works better along all the gods and monsters more then you would think

Scalet Johansson as Black Widow is a surprise for me..big time.

In IM2 i found her performance to resemble a fish drowning on oxygen..her pointless pouts and flat delivery made me want any actress in the role other then her. In Avengers she shows that any problems she had in IM2 came from the script for that movie, she has a bigger chunk in this movie but she also shows more range and makes me beleive that she can be someone credible in this fight

Chris Evans as Captain America is a highlight for me.

The great thing about Chris is what he's done to own the role of Cap, his presense in this film doesnt just come from his action scenes (which there are many) but from the fact you dont see Captain America dressed in a bright uniform and odd helmet...all you see is Steve Rogers and he makes you believe it with all his might.
Many have critisised the helmet but no one giggled in the cinema ..mainly cus as i said we see Steve Rogers and we beleive in him, again people have said he lookes smaller then in his solo movie..but to me he actualy looks bigger, this new uniform turns him into a man with a body id love to snuggle up to....real close

RDJ as Iron Man is priceless

With some of the best banter and one liners in the movie we also get to go on a more credible journey with Tony, we also get to see some amazing action with Iron Man that puts both his solo movies to shame.
I'd go as far to say that RDJ gives a better performance as himself and the character then he did in IM

Chris Hemsworth is Thor

As always Hemsworth looks like a god..he acts like a god...but for me even tho some of his scenes are a highlight i kinda missed the more arrogant God of Thunder

Mark Fuffalo as Bruce Banner/Hulk is by far the best in the movie and all other solo movies

Mark gives us a new take but in someways a refreshing throwback to what made Bill Bixby so great. Unlike Eric Banna who droned his way through Hulk and looked like he was knocking one out whilst turning into the hulk Mark shows every kind of emotion and trust me the audience is there with him. Again unlike Nortons banner who mummbled his lines and looked like he just pooped his pants when turning into the Hulk mark is clear in his motivations and clear in his fear of what he is
Plus When he transforms we clench our butts...In Hulk we laughed as he grew bigger and bigger with his incredible growing socks..in TIH we fell asleep as he turned cus is had no impact on screen. Here the audience is with Mark and Banner. Especialy the first transformation that works creepily well and has great tension...plus its a lil spooky
Hulk himself is superb..easily the best onscreen somehow more human yet far more beastial. His power is unmatched in this movie and his connection to the audience is superb..he causes the most laughs and the biggest "FUCK YEAH" when we learn Banner's secret

Tom Hiddleston as Loki

In Thor i thought Tom was great but i was never fully convinced that he was a good enough villain, in Avengers brings the villainy up to eleven
whilst still remaining a fractured person at war with who he is and what he wants to be. Many have compared his performance to Heaths Joker but thats a lil over the top, Tom is great but not on Heaths level with the character but he does come up with a disturbing interegation scene and says a word that made my perverted lil heart giggle with joy


Now lets get into my experience...from the opening to the finnish my cheecks were tight and damp through the bombarding awesomness that lay infront of me.
The action is second to none...i mean it everyone gets a shot and everyone has the power they should have
The comedy is superb...everyone had fun in the theatre, the place was electric especialy with the very welcome humour..there are places where everyone laughed so hard (Hulk being the best at this) that i couldnt remember a time when i heard this joy in an actual comedy. The timing was on the money as if there was a guy holding up a board with "Laugh" written on it...its that good
The FX are also on the money...speaking of money alot was spent but it shows as nothing looks cheap everything looks like they want you to beleive this story and this world of Superheroes

Whedon makes a comic book movie that isnt ashamed to be a comic book movie..nor does it shy from the cheese. Differance is he manages to make the cheese beleivable. They dont make movies like this anymore but from here on i expect many will try...
.. and when people say TDKR and TASM have alot to beat they dont mean it in a flame war way, infact im sure both those movies will be better for deeper story and characterisation but i simply cant beleive that they will manage to offer the sheer joy and specticle Avengers gave to the glowing faces that walked out with me and into the pub

There is alot id like to talk about and id like to talk Agent Coulson but all come under Spoiler imo but one thing i'd like to talk about is the end credit graphics, you probably remember the iron man spec and the journey through the world tree and WW2 homage end graphics for the solo movies..but this one i loved and wished it was at the begining of the movie

You will laugh ..you will cry...you will cheer

Avengers Assemble will make you forget stupid company/movie wars..it will just make you happy that this movie has been made and that the world can see a world we knew was there all along

Im usualy a lil harsh to CBM's but is this the best CBM ever made??

Damn right it is

5 Pairs of boobs out of 5

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Teabag out..sadly never in
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