Krang 2012 Update #4
Greetings Loyal Krang Constituency!
Krang finally announces his pick for vice president! Can you guess who it is? Here's some clues, he hates the TMNT, he wears blades on his hands and his name begins with on "S."
Krang has finally chosen his Vice Presidential nominee: Slash!
Slash has been a longtime supporter of Krang's evil deeds, and has proven himself as an accomplished mutant in his own right. Though many of you believed Krang would choose longtime ally, the Shredder, Krang decided not to pick him, due to his long record of failure dominating his career from the late 80's until today. Krang did not want to be weighed down by the Shredder's shoddy record. Pus, there are also rumors that the Shredder had an affair with the wife of a large rodent back in Japan, which is baggage no one needs on the campaign trail. So, instead, Krang has chosen to endorse Slash's simple message of murder, mayhem, destruction and protecting palm trees from deforestation. In addition, if Krang has learned one thing over the past 25 years, it's just how irritatingly popular turtles can be, so he decided to choose his vey own turtle as his running mate.
Also, we here at Krang 2012 would like to present the new, official Krang/Slash 2012 bumper sticker.
We encourage you to download the image and print it out on sticky paper and display it on your car to show the world your support for Krang's agenda of global domination and the total enslavement of mankind. Unfortunately, this is about as close as we will get to official campaign merchandise. Krang has recently discovered that he does not own the rights to his own image and if he were to create Krang merchandise, he would be sued for copyright infringement. This is a gross injustice against Krang and needs to be rectified immediately. Our research here at the Technodrome has revealed that Krang's image is being held hostage by this machine:
It is some sort of outdated movie-viewing device known as a "Nickelodeon." Krang encourages all of his followers to seek out this machine and dismantle it, thus freeing Krang from his persecution. (that way too we can finally release the much-anticipated Krang waffle-maker)
Finally, as you all are by now aware, Krang was not included in the first
presidential debate on Wednesday. In spite of his voice being suppressed, Krang held a live town hall meeting during the debate, where he shouted his responses at the television screen. Here are some highlights from that night.
ROMNEY: If I’m president, I help create 12 million new jobs in this country with rising incomes.
KRANG: 12 million? That's it? As president, I will settle for no less than full employment! On day one as president, I will declare that all Americans now work for Krang! Their only purpose in life will be to build weapons of mass destruction for Krang! Those found not working will be shot! Those found taking a lunch break will have their hands sawed off! And, those found not working because their hands were sawed off, will be shot!
ROMNEY: Look, I've got 5 boys.
KRANG: Well I have 5 million rock soldiers! So there!
OBAMA: Right now you can actually take a deduction for moving a plant overseas.
KRANG: When Krang is president, no jobs will go overseas because I will drain the oceans in order to keep my new water park, Kranglantis, running.
OBAMA: First of all, every study has shown that Medicare has lower administrative cost than private insurance does, which is why seniors are generally pretty happy with it. And private insurers have to make a profit. Nothing wrong with that; that’s what they do. And so you’ve got higher administrative costs, plus profit on top of that.
KRANG: Shredder! Get me some water! I'm thirsty!
Those are just a few examples of Krang's responses that night. Sure, the media succeeded in not including Krang this time, but there are still two more debates, so do everything you can to demand Krang be included!
From the desk of
Krang 2012 Campaign Manager
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