TOP 10: Lamest T-Rexes Of All Time
Tyrannosaurus Rex is the king of the dinosaurs and just about the most badass creature to ever walk the earth. Though some representations of the creature don't quite measure up. Here's the ten lamest of all time.
10. Tyrannosaurus Rex in "Jurassic Park III"
There is nothing inherently wrong with the T-Rex from "Jurassic Park III." He's big, he's mean and he eats people. All of the things the tyrannosaurs had in the first two films are present here, but this tyrannosaur ends up on this list for one reason: he's killed in the lamest way possible. First of all, no one wants to see the T-Rex die in a Jurassic Park film, and, if he did die, you'd hope it'd be something cool like a bunch of raptors gang up on him with an elaborate plan or a triceratops stabs him through the heart, but in "Jurassic Park III," the T-Rex dies in a fight with a spinosaurus. That's right, the lowly spinosaurus. In the sequel's feeble attempt to make a bigger, badder dinosaur, they double the size of a spinosaur and have him defeat the T-Rex. And, not only does he beat the T-Rex, but he beats him in the most impractical way to ever conceived: he snaps his neck. Now, a T-Rex's neck is HUGE. It's one of the strongest muscles in his body. Yet, somehow, some second-rate carnivore with a fin on his back can jut grab his neck and snap it like a twig. Making the T-Rex in Jurassic Park III a pretty lame excuse for the King-of-the Dinosaurs.
9. Roy Hess
In the sitcom "Dinosaurs," Earl's best friend is a hapless, dopey Tyrannosaur named Roy Hess. Now, no one expects any T-Rex to be that bright with the brain the size of a walnut, but we at least expect them to be tough, and Roy is anything but intimidating. He's friendly, good-natured and is often seen wearing a Hawaiian shirt, officially the least intimidating of all t-shirts. He's also a coward, regularly taking crap from his boss, a triceratops. Finally, I'm not sure what kind of dinosaur Earl is, but with a diet that consists of beer, donuts and small mammals, I'm guessing he's an omnivore. Anyway, never in the four-year run of the show did Roy ever try to eat him or any other member of the Sinclair family. Not even the plump little baby! In fact the baby even hits him with a frying pan a few times and he does nothing about it!
8. This Guy
Why the hell would a Tyrannosaurus Rex ever wish someone a happy birthday? Lame.
7. Rex from "We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story"
"We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story" starts out in a way that immediately establishes the main character, Rex, as a pretty lame Tyrannosaurus Rex. He is golfing in the film's opening scene when he soon befriends a lovable little bluebird. He then goes on to tell his life story about how he became a peaceful T-Rex… Yeah, not very promising for a carnivore. The story begins millions of years in the past, when an alien goes back to the dinosaur era and scoops up Rex and a few other dinosaurs and turns them into smart, cuddly creatures. The alien then brings them to 1996 and lets them loose. Rex soon befriends a small boy (who he does NOT try to eat) and helps him get a girlfriend. Throughout his adventures in the film, Rex also surfs on a pickup truck and pretends to be a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The latter of which is truly the biggest missed opportunity in the film. Remember the awesome ending of "The Lost World: Jurassic Park," where the T-Rex terrorized San Diego? Just imagine that but instead of eating people and tearing shit apart, the T-Rex just sang and danced with children.
6. T-Rex from "King Kong"
I know, I know, it's really unfair to count the Tyrannosaurus Rex on Skull Island in the original "King Kong" movie. It was breakthrough for the time, and yes, it is very impressive stop-motion animation, and if you consider all of the limitations that Merion Cooper had back in 1933 you have to admire what was accomplished. But, that doesn't change the fact that it just looks like a big pile of Play-Doh and it's very hard to be afraid of something when you just imagine a giant toddler is going to come on screen and eat the thing.
In "The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure" (the first of about 40 sequels in this series), the lovable gang of leafeaters finds a dinosaur egg. Even though they're just babies themselves, they decide to care for it until it hatches. Much to their surprise, when the egg hatches, a dreaded sharptooth is inside! But they soon find out he's just a baby and a nice sharptooth because they had cared for the egg. It's kind of like Horton and the Egg, except when the egg hatches, the baby isn't an elephant, he just turns into a little wuss like the other dinosaurs in these films. So Littlefoot names the baby Chomper and decides to raise him like a leafeater. Throughout the film, there are countless opportunities in this film for Chomper to lash out and attack the other dinosaurs, but he only takes a little bite out of the triceratops, everyone gets mad at hims and then he starts crying. Now, at the end of the movie, Chomper is returned to his parents, so you'd think there's hope for him to still turn into a really badass T-Rex, but in "The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island," he returns and saves all the leafeaters from a volcano. It's amazing how just a few days with the leafeaters would scar him forever.
4. Times Square Toys "R" Us T-Rex
In the Toys "R" Us in Times Square, New York City, there is an exact replica of the T-Rex from "Jurassic Park." Now this Tyrannosaur may look scary, but it hardly measures up to the ferocious beast it is intended to be. First of all, this thing sits in the middle of a toy store all day long, surrounded by plenty of plump little children ready to be eaten up. But does this T-Rex do anything? No! He just stands there and poses for pictures. Sure, he jerks his head around and growls and even lets out the occasional roar, but he never moves an inch and kids can walk right up to him without fear of retribution. I myself have gone to this Toys "R" Us many times just to see if I could get a rise out of him. I've mooned him, shouted insults at the ugly beast and thrown beer bottles at his head, and he just acts like I'm not even there. The most he ever does is signal security to escort me out of the building, so he can't even fight his own battles when being attacked! Surely tourists visiting New York deserve a better representation of the greatest killing machine to ever walk the planet.
3. Theodore Rex
In the 1996 direct-to-video monstrosity known as "Theodore Rex," Whoopi Goldberg is a smart-alecky cop in the future who has just gotten a new partner, a bumbling, sneaker-wearing tyrannosaur named Theodore Rex. Paramount spent $35 million on this film, screened it several times, then decided it was so bad it could never be shown in theaters, which gives you at least some idea of how lame Theodore Rex is. Theodore Rex is an excitable, needy tyrannosaur who loves to dress up (an actual part of the story is him going undercover). He also does really horrible accents and impressions while fighting crime, which makes this already unbearable film even more annoying. He also loves to eat milk and cookies. Yup, not humans or leafeaters or anything with flesh on it at all, just milk and cookies. If you haven't seen "Theodore Rex," don't seek it out for the sake of curiosity. You can't un-see what you will see. Just trust me that this film makes Howard the Duck look awesome and that "Theodore Rex" is of the most ill-conceived ideas ever in the history of fiction.
2. Rex from "Toy Story"
He's nine inches tall, weighs less than a pound and made of cheap plastic, but none of these reasons are why he's one of the lamest Tyrannosaurs. Rex is just a wimp. He's neurotic, insecure and often bullied by a potato. This T-Rex has a serious inferiority complex; no tyrannosaur should ever have the catchphrase, "I don't think I could take that Kind of rejection!" Sure, we all love Rex, but as far as T-Rex's go, he's hardly the ferocious beast that he tries so hard to be.
Could any other T-Rex really have topped this list? He's cute, he's cuddly, he's purple and his teeth aren't even sharp! Ever since Barney first appeared in 1992, he's been hugging children and teaching them lessons about sharing and kindness and all that mushy stuff. Any other T-Rex would have eaten those kids the first time they wandered into the schoolyard, but the lovable Barney befriends all of them, passing up every opportunity to dismember them and eat them alive. Worst of all, he sings! And not cool, Johnny Cash stuff, but rather sweet songs about hugs and flossing and cleaning up your bedroom. Even if Barney snapped one day and gave into his dinosaur instincts, he probably couldn't do anything anyway. He's overweight, slow moving and it appears as though his jaw can't even really move. This Tyrannosaur is clearly the biggest disgrace in the history of the species.
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