STAR WARS: THE RETURN OF THE JEDI: We Need To Have A Conversation About That Giant Spider

Xmas, Xmas people! Merry New Year! OK, I’m a little late, but I have my reasons. Given the choice between watching The Polar Express and Return of the Jedi on Christmas Eve, my daughter chose… wisely.

By Manx - Jan 03, 2018 05:01 PM EST

Filed Under: Star Wars

I need to apologize, first of all. I have wanted to churn out more articles, but I was hit with a double whammy. Three weeks ago, I got a bad cold. Then, Influenza A crept into the house, like Flu Krampus. Being laid out with man-cold and then man-flu after that made for an unpleasant Life Day. It did make for some interesting, lucid dreams, though.

I had one the night after we watched Return of the Jedi. I guess my virus laden brain came up with a conversation about an aspect of Jabba’s Palace I have always wondered about. So, here is my dream as best as I can recall it with some after-sick commentary. Don’t forget to get your flu shots, kids!

Part One

As a kid, I was like, “Ahhh! Giant spider!” But now as an adult and watching it with my kids, I was like, “Ahhh! Giant spider,” while they just looked at me like I was an Ugnaught. I never understood what it was doing there. It seemed to live in a hidey hole next to the entrance. What purpose did it serve? Was it just to remind visitors that this is indeed a scary place? It sure freaked out C-3PO. Jabba’s was a pretty sadistic guy, so I just assumed he had a “If you can make it past my giant spider, I might let you see me” policy.

Part Two

If there’s one thing kids in the 80s loved doing, it was recording movies off TV onto VHS. Using the Long Play setting, we were able to fit all three OT movies on one tape! That meant many summer vacation days were spent getting doughier and pastier in front of the television. After about the 200^th viewing, I noticed there was something odd about that spider. It looked mechanical, so maybe it was a droid. This didn’t diminish the creepy factor, though, as it would still likely bathe in the blood of the moseying visitor.

Part Three

Okay, I had to look this up. Star Wars is pretty close to Lord of the Rings with the amount of lore it has. Some nerd somewhere has to have made a back story for this thing. Sure enough, a search for “creepy giant spider that hangs out in Jabba’s Palace” got me my answers.

Part Four

According to Wookieepedia, it’s actually just a B’omarr monk, and it’s even weirder than I thought. Apparently, the B’omarr Order got tired of having sex, stubbing their big toes on coffee tables, and all other physical sensations. In order to enhance their minds, they removed their brains from their bodies, stuck them in nutrient tanks, and let giant robot spiders carry them around. They have monasteries all over the galaxy which, sometimes, smugglers take over like Jabba did. His palace was one of these monasteries. He likes to keep them around because they go with his décor.

This just begs questions, though. What do they even need monasteries for if they’ve closed all physical sensations off? Why not a cave? No gangster is going to go, “The giant, robot spider cave is the way to go, fellas.” I would assume they’re somewhat harmless if smugglers and others can push them out of their residences. But then we have to ask, where do they get fresh nutrients for those brain tanks?

I'm sure the Legends description would answer all of my questions, but I'm gonna stick with the Canon profile. I prefer to fill in the blanks myself. And get your flu shots!!

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22 Comments

santoanderson - 1/3/2018, 5:08 PM

Jon Peters strikes again.

TomSolo - 1/29/2018, 9:08 PM

@santoanderson - spiders, man... deadliest predators on earth.

MrPositive - 1/3/2018, 5:08 PM

.....I'd take these articles any day over Josh clickbait

SpideyPuffsMJ - 1/3/2018, 5:19 PM

@MrPositive - You took the comment right out of my brain

Origame - 1/3/2018, 5:09 PM

...giant spider?

Brightestdaze - 1/3/2018, 5:18 PM

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Krykna

SpideyPuffsMJ - 1/3/2018, 5:20 PM

More articles like this. Less Wilding/Buzzfeed listicles. Nice work, bud.

Brightestdaze - 1/3/2018, 5:20 PM

Ah, I see the rest of the article now. For some reason it wouldn’t load the entire article. Those guys were in the animated clone wars movie if I remember correctly.

ODanil - 1/3/2018, 5:32 PM

great article.

ImmovableForce - 1/3/2018, 5:45 PM

He's creeped out by spiders. But not flu shots...

ImmovableForce - 1/3/2018, 5:48 PM

Funny stuff. Spiders that carry brains around.. I love how weird Star Wars is. Now that they've killed off the remaining original characters, things will get better with the movies?

Canon108 - 1/3/2018, 5:59 PM

@ImmovableForce - nope, the exact opposite actually. Now that Kathleen Kennedy showed her hand that not only does she not have a hot clue what she's doing, but she's got rid of her safety net. She got rid of everything that made star wars special. There's a difference between going your own path and driving into the ditch and getting your car stuck.

Supercat6376 - 1/3/2018, 6:16 PM

Lmao I feel like with the delirium of the flu your dreams should’ve focused on scantily clad men or women depending on your preferences. funny post though.

WackyBantha - 1/3/2018, 10:41 PM

AnthonyVonGeek - 1/4/2018, 12:20 AM

I have the action figure of that guy. Really cool figure.

STAR WARS: THE RETURN OF THE JEDI: We Need To Have A Conversation About That Giant Spider

Xmas, Xmas people! Merry New Year! OK, I’m a little late, but I have my reasons. Given the choice between watching The Polar Express and Return of the Jedi on Christmas Eve, my daughter chose… wisely.

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

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STAR WARS OUTLAWS Release Date Announced With Pre-Order Details And Special Editions

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