Yet 8 More STAR WARS Spinoffs We Need To See Following The Recent Release Of ROGUE ONE

Yet 8 More STAR WARS Spinoffs We Need To See Following The Recent Release Of ROGUE ONE

If Rogue One has taught us anything, it's style over substance isn't so bad. And if it's taught us two anythings, this gravy train isn't ending anytime soon...

Laugh it up, fuzzballs, but you know this is never going to end, right? You 20-30 somethings will be telling your grandkids, "I was there for Jar Jar," while us older folks will be more, "Gotta...stay...alive...for...Episode XX...and...Mouse Droid spinoff..."

For the low-low price of 4 billion, Disney scored an endless pot of gold. Slap "Star Wars" on film, and it's worth half a billion, at least. And since they have this sugar momma now, I was kind of hoping this would encourage them to be adventurous and try new things, like smaller films, all kinds of directors, and all kinds of stories.  Rogue One, faults and pluses aside, was an angle in that direction. Let's hope the Han Solo movie will stay on that path.  With Lord and Miller at the helm, you know the tone could be hilarious, brisk, and fun, all at once, like Episodes IV-VII. Or, other films could be dry, methodical, boring, great action flicks like Episodes I-III and Rogue One. I like both, sometimes. But, there are other ways to go, too...

8. The Lightsaber

I love a good throwaway line. When Rey touched Anakin/Luke's lightsaber and Maz said to her, "Oh this thing? Long story, probably don't want to hear it. Here. Take this dangerous weapon. It's talking to you," I perked up. What sights and sounds did that laser sword see and hear on its way to Maz? Inquiring minds want to know.


7. IG-88

Under that cold, metal exoskeleton spins a hard drive of gold. IG-88 was always my favorite bounty hunter. Besides, if we want China's money so bad, why not see what they can do with one of our properties? It seems only fair.


6. Seven Samurai

Seven Samurai is a story that's been told many times in cinema. Let's give the tale as old as time the Jedi treatment. It needs to be simple: Get from point A to B and protect B until C eventually comes to rescue you. It sounds like a great kind of Mad Max movie. Rumor had it that Disney was going to tap Zack Snyder to do this very exact thing, but I think there's another director that would be a perfect fit for this.

5. Porkins


What's the story behind Rogue Six's crippling apathy and his eventual refusal to pull up? I bet the Coen Brothers could peel back the layers of the onion that is Jek Porkins. Did he suffer from PTSD from losing his home world to the Empire? Was he a stress eater? And, think of all the oddball characters and great dialogue Joel and Ethan could bring to this universe. Help an o brother out, will you?



4. Phasma

Poor Phasma was given the shaft in Force Awakens, literally (trash compactor) and figuratively (shit to do). Getting her own movie might bring a little balance. Maybe Disney should try a good, old fashioned rom-com. Romance in Star Wars to date has consisted of two pretty 2x4s talking about sand and getting married and a creepy older guy stalking and abusing a younger woman, until he corners her in a utility closet and forces himself on her. In this movie, maybe Phasma could get the shaft again, but in a good way.


3. Fisto

Who's the Jedi who's always got a smile?
Hey! Lookout! It's Fisto!
Who's the squid guy who goes the extra mile?
Hey! Lookout! It's Fisto!

Sorry. I'm still working on the theme song. Out of all the Jedi, Kit seems to enjoy his job the most and was voted "best force user to have a beer with" and "most fleshlight looking lightsaber". What we need is some swashbuckling adventures with this happy-go-lucky guy. It just might get that dour Rogue One taste out of our mouths.


2. Kylo & Snoke

How crotchety old guy lured Ben away from the light will be expanded on in the next installments, I'm sure, but I bet there's a lot more story to tell,  and I want to hear it. Deadbeat parents alone can't explain it. Maybe it was the cookies...


1. Kanjiklub

First R rated Star Wars film? I think it's time. Sorry, kids. Take your Nute Gunray toys upstairs and play. Mommy and daddy need to watch The Raid...In Spaaaaaaaaaace!

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