McGee Gives A "Negative" Review For Man of Steel

In what is sure to be considered more evidence of this site's decline, we asked McGee to review The Wolverine for its opening weekend and he turned in his review for a movie that's been out for over a month. Enjoy!

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By McGee - 7/25/2013


Hello there folks! McGee here to give his brutally honest review of Man of Steel. But before we put on our speedos and dive into this cold swimming pool...I have me some serious 'splainin' to do. See, I was suppose to write up a review for Man of Steel a month ago during its opening weekend. But living in southern California, one often gets lost wandering around aimlessly in this neon-lit place after a wild cocaine party. Especially if that wild and crazy guy Kirk Cameron shows up! Let me tell you! I got some serious stories about that party animal! Jesus Christ!

So I missed the boat on that. I'm sorry you guys. Needless to say, the site was pretty upset with me and contributing power user Ror still won't return my texts (I live in America man, so I can't afford to call you!). However, as luck would have it--the site asked me to turn in a review for James Mangold's The Wolverine! They even gave me an advance of $520 dollars! So I was all ready to fly to London for the world premiere to check out Hugh Jackman once again put on the black and yellow mask, when who should give me a call? Alfonso Ribeiro! He drove up outside my apartment in his 1992 Caddy, with five bottles of Cristal and bitches. Folks...you don't say no to Alfonso Ribeiro. I've probably said this many times in my life and at least twice here on this site (I will never stop saying it as it bears repeating). He is very sensitive and will cut you. The first time he cuts you, it's on one of your cheeks (face or butt doesn't matter). I learned this fact the hard way. After hearing rumors from those in my inner circle that his second "cut" cuts close to one's urinal elephant nose, I didn't think twice to get in his car. So yeah, I didn't get to see the Wolverine.

And here we are. One month after Man of Steel and I'm finally giving you my two-cents on Zack Snyder's film. I have to admit that the first time I saw this movie, I loved it! Well, after seeing it again yesterday afternoon, right after my dentist appointment (I was still very much high on the nitrous oxide anesthesia), I came away extremely angry at the fifty ton wrecking ball dropped by both Snyder and David S. Goyer (the "s" apparently stands for suck)! If this is the Superman you all have been waiting for, then I'm going back to Jason Priestley's house to wait for Brandon Routh. He always shows up at eight to give me and Jason long...vigorous full body swedish massages (then the three of us have sex).

Anyways, here is my review for Man of Steel.

IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MAN OF STEEL YET, JUST SCROLL DOWN TO MY RATING SYSTEM BECAUSE I MAY OR MAY NOT SPOIL THE MOVIE FOR YOU. COMICBOOKMOVIE.COM IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU NOT HAVING SELF CONTROL! YOU SUMBITCHES THAT TRIED SUING US LAST TIME--NOT GONNA WORK THIS TIME! OKAY? NOT GONNA WORK THIS TIME!

Where do I even begin you guys? I suppose I should start with the live birth of Kal-El and the director's decision to put that at the start. One thing I've always loved about Zack Snyder is that he used to put sex scenes in his movies. 300...Watchmen. They all had some serious, hot ass copulation going on in them. But recently, Snyder has been continuing a troubling trend of not including these fappable sex scenes in his films. Now...I can understand not adding these scenes in that Owl movie he did that was aimed at small kids (Legend of Howling Castle Guardians or some shit--I can't remember the title). But no lesbian sex scenes in Sucker Punch? Unforgivable. Now he's gone back to his old habit of putting birthing scenes in his films (this addiction of Snyder's began with the zombie baby scene in Dawn of the Dead).

Then we have this mature storytelling crap. This is where half the critics have taken this artsy movie to task, and rightfully so! The wonderful films pumped out by Marvel Studios every year taught us a valuable lesson that needed to be learned. That superhero films didn't have to be all serious and pretentious like Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight Trilogy. They could also be manufactured family films that were campy. What's more, they could also focus more on adhering to an ambitious business strategy to maximize profits utilizing multiple franchises than actual stand-alone artistic merit! This is something Nolan never understood. From watching his other films, it's painfully obvious that he is trying to follow the footsteps of filmmakers like Alfred Hitchcock or Stanley Kubrick. Remember those guys and their films? Of course you don't! Their movies were boring! Give me Irwin Allen and Russ Meyer any day of the week! Their films didn't make you think or have debates afterwards about whether or not a character was morally right to take this or that course of action!




And now I want to take this moment to talk about Superman the character. I like Superman. What I like most about him is how unrelatable he is. He's a corny cartoon character in red tights that is perfect and NEVER EVER makes any mistakes. He always makes the right decision! Always! The writers in the silver age of comic books were smart enough to put him in convenient situations where he wouldn't have to make difficult decisions concerning morality or pick the lesser of two evils. You wouldn't find any realism here! This is the Silver Age of DC Comics! You want serious storytelling in the 1960s? Go to Marvel Comics or wait another two decades for Alan Moore and Frank Miller to show up and ruin comics! Unfortunately...this has changed in recent years in the comics and now on film...

In Man of Steel, they have taken this unbelievable character known as Superman and have sadly made him believable. Worst yet, they've placed him in the real world! Whereas in the old comics you had a Superman that always knew the right course of action and was naive like a small child, here you have a Superman that struggles with making decisions and trusting people. He doesn't always make the right choice and he has to live with the consequences of the choices he makes. Sometimes these outcomes even affect his growth as a person! What's that all about? Seriously?

Folks, life isn't very complex. Not at all! If the courts say George Zimmerman and O.J. Simpson (initially) did nothing wrong and are fine to walk the streets again, you don't question it. If an emotionally distraught Kryptonian has been mentally compromised and vows to kill all humans, you fly to the middle of the desert and wait for him. You assume he isn't going to stay behind and continue to destroy Metropolis after figuring you for a coward. And if you have the chance to save a family from being killed by this crazed Kryptonian by putting him down...you don't! Killing is wrong! Remember how Texas shooter Charles Whitman was brought down by police in 1966? They waited until he had his fill and surrendered. Yeah, he killed 259 people after running out of ammunition. But at least the police didn't lower themselves down to his level (also he helped out with the population control issue that was plaguing that county at the time).

I guess what upsets me the most is that it wasn't my Superman. My Superman saves cats from trees and reminds people of the statistical safety of air travel and public transportation via subway. He doesn't kill people! He throws depowered Kryptonians (that are essentially human now) off steep cliffs, while smiling, and assumes they're okay without knowing how steep those caverns are. He assumes Arctic Police are a thing that exists and will come by to arrest these bad guys! With this Superman, I get the sense that he isn't fully formed yet. That over the course of this new film series, we're gonna watch him grow as a character and see his journey to become the ideal of hope we all know and love. My proof of this is in the film itself. We watch him start off as an indecisive Clark Kent, who wanders around trying to find his purpose in life while living among people he struggles to connect with. By the end of the film, he winds up finding the courage to extend his hand to humanity while not knowing how they'll react (in essence, trusting them without asking for the same in return) and thus, finds his purpose. That sounds like character developement, and I don't like it.

Not all is doom and gloom though. Recently it was announced that the sequel to Man of Steel will be a team-up film with Batman! With reports coming in saying that this is due to Warner Bros. wanting to follow Marvel's multi-franchise collective business strategy and rumors that Nolan will bow out, leaving Snyder and Goyer alone to write the film...things are looking good you guys! It looks as if everything is gonna be alllllright!




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19 Comments
Dmon - 7/25/2013, 5:01 PM
I want a sandwich!
MexicanSuperman - 7/25/2013, 6:53 PM
Haha. MOS ftw.
Brainiac13 - 7/25/2013, 7:43 PM
I'll have some horse meat in a sandwich. .......hey that would be a scandal?
;)
KalJeter - 7/26/2013, 12:36 AM
^ This is exactly how I see you
BMoore25 - 7/26/2013, 4:30 AM
Brilliant, Simply Brilliant
Chaplin - 7/26/2013, 6:03 AM
Hilarious! thanks for that mate!
DruDox19 - 7/26/2013, 8:41 AM
Nice funny review man your basically parodying the negative reviews of MOS lol
Dmon - 7/26/2013, 9:16 AM
Everyone should thumbs up this article
ChrisEl - 7/26/2013, 3:12 PM
Best review I've read.
eopnalla - 7/26/2013, 3:40 PM
This was an awesome negative review on all the great aspects of man of steel!!!
Arrowhead77 - 7/26/2013, 6:21 PM
Don't do drugs kids....just look at McGee
lucio7lopez - 7/26/2013, 11:53 PM
McGee... I'm very sad. We need this review a month ago, because is an AWESOME review, I love you too right now (sorry, not in a gay way neither), you are damn right in all your arguments. Thumbs up! Man of Steel is freaking epic.
I still have some hopes in Superman/Batman. Is a DC movie, will never be so light-cartoonish like the other company movies...
metropolisman - 7/27/2013, 3:37 AM
lol i was ready to bash you in this comments section but then i realized you were being sarcastic...great article man
bs77 - 7/27/2013, 6:00 AM
I was thinking about the review and got sidetracked... are the horses going to share the sandwich? And what kind of horses are those exactly; there are many different breeds? Is that a BLT? Is the sandwich equivalent to like a 1/2 star rating? and if so that does that mean 2 sandwiches equals 1 horse? Are the horses clones, because they look like the same horse? Is the sandwich also cloned, that would be awesome? Where would miniature horses rank on the scale with sandwiches?

Damn you McGee, once again you have left me with more questions than answers...
Kyos - 7/27/2013, 6:33 AM
Nice! :D

KalKent853 - 7/27/2013, 1:13 PM
Hit the nail on the head. Loved the line 'that sounds like character development, and I don't like it'
I thought after the Nolan trilogy the wider public and critics alike were ready to accept less campy superhero films. Seems as soon as you apply it to a character with actual powers everybody loses their minds and instantly reject it for being too serious. God I hate people.
thedude2936 - 7/30/2013, 3:26 PM
@ McGee nicely done sir, your sarcastic review has mirrored my exact thoughts towards haters of the film
Jollem - 8/5/2013, 10:27 PM
class
efcamachopmp - 9/14/2013, 2:26 AM
Great piece of writing...I also thoroughly enjoy your fun facts.

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