Skeletor Reviews the Script to Michael Bay's NINJA TURTLES!---SATIRE

Is this script really the trainwreck people suspect it to be? Or is it really a fantastic reboot of the classic franchise? Hit the jump to find out! Beware for MAJOR SPOILERS!

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By Skeletor - 8/23/2012


I discovered the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at a swap meet when I was three years old. Two VHS tapes. I was mesmerized by these strange characters. I loved it. They led me to videos, toys, games, and even the world of comics. I'll just say that I'm a huge fan.

The first TMNT is my favorite movie of all time. I've pretty much memorized it line by line. I always hoped that one day, a TMNT movie would be as good as the first.

I hoped that the reboot would be this.

A new movie, with top notch special effects showcasing the awesome characters of the original comics. I was so eager to see this movie. I've been with it ever sense the idea came about.

Even when Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes was announced to be producing the film.

Ever since this move was announced, I have defended it. I sort of enjoyed some of Platinum Dunes' films (doesn't mean I thought they were good.)I thought, hey they could pull this's off. Being the fan I am, I was excited as hell.

Then came the alien comments. It was worrying at first, but hey, the turtles WERE mutated by an alien mutagen in the comics. That's probably what they meant. I kept defending the film to all the vitriol and hate it was getting. I was still enthusiastic.

But early today, a script landed in my lap. "The Blue Door" by Applebaum & Nemec is 120 pages long. While it is dated january 30th, the script definitley matches what we've heard so far. Let me give you a spoiler filled synopsis.



We start out at a government facility where we meet Colonel Schrader (get it? Schrader/Shredder) and his army (called "The Foot" for no particular reason). He's talking about this mysterious "Project Aries". We then move to amateur hockey player/night watchman Casey Jones. He's in an on and off relationship with Journalism student April O'Neil, who's trying to convince him to move to New York with her.

Casey goes to his job as the Night watchman of a furniture parts factory.

While keeping watch, he stumbles upon a group of three humanoid turtles being held captive by foot soldiers. He releases them and they reveal themselves to be Leonardo, Donatello and Raphael. He realizes that the factory is really a front for a government organization. They convince Casey to help them rescue their younger brother, Michelangelo. As they are about to leave with the unconscious Mike, Schrader and the Foot find them. They pile into an elevator to escape the foot, with Micheangelo being used as a shield when bullets are fired at them. They get out to the factory and the Turtles fight the soldiers.

One part of this scene has one of the turtles THROWING A FORKLIFT, which BOUNCES OFF ANOTHER TURTLE'S SHELL, and INTO AN SUV, causing a HUGE EXPLOSION.

The turtles fight the soldiers in an car chase as they try to catch up to Casey, who is driving a getaway truck with Michelangelo in the back.
The truck ends up crashing through a frozen river and Michelangelo is thought to be lost. Only for him to burst through the Ice to attack ambushing soldiers. At which point he uses a pair of gun holsters as nunchucks.

The turtles escape to an abandoned barn with Casey. They explain that they need to get back to Splinter in New York, and that they were once regular turtles who were mutated, along with Splinter, by a mutanagenic ooze. The turtles make weapons out of farm tools and Casey tells them about April moving to New York. They make contact with Splinter using a makeshift communicator. He warns of imminent danger.

They go to April's house where Casey distracts April by saying he wants to go with her, as the turtles pile into the open U-Haul truck in the driveway. April and Casey take the truck and start their journey to New York, while in the back, the turtles use April's iPad to learn about Project Aries, which was started the day the turtles were covered in ooze seventeen years ago. They also discover that the focus of the project is mutagens and altered species. They speculate that they were part of Project Aries.

Meanwhile, the foot intercept the communication signal from when the turtles were in the barn. Schrader sends two lackeys to find Splinter.

The turtles keep fighting in the back of the truck, while April gets more and more suspicious. After a while, they are ambushed by foot soldiers on motorcycle. They didn't disguise their signal from using the iPad. The turtles, Casey and April (who now discovers the turtles) jump from the freeway to a passing subway train. The turtles fight soldiers on top of the train as April and Casey duck for cover. The fight comes to Raphael and Schrader, who is now on top of the train. As they fight, a piece of Schrader's skin is removed, with many blades protruding from underneath. Raph manages to kick Schrader off the train as they reach the New York subway tunnels.

During this, the two lackeys that Schrader sent for Splinter are revealed to be Bebop and Rocksteady, exactly as they were in the cartoon. They ambush Splinter, but he's able to defend himself from them. Right as they are about to gain the upper hand, the turtles appear to rescue Splinter. April records a video saying that in the event of her death, the video belongs to the CBS affiliate she works for, but her phone is knocked out of her hands. The turtles distract Bebop and Rocksteady and are able to escape with Splinter. Bebop and Rocksteady find April's phone and report it to Schrader.

After they've escaped, Raphael reveals that Schrader is not human, which causes Splinter to reveal that Schrader is from Dimension X. He got here because Earth and Dimension X are crashing together, making portals to one another. This is evidenced by many recent national disasters. April says that at the building she works in, they can find info about theses national disasters. April and Casey go into the building as the turtles sneak in and steal an access card that gets them into the room containing the info. But Schrader has also followed them there. He is suspicious of April and Casey, so he uses April's phone to call Casey. When Casey's phone rings, Schrader chases them to the room, only to be locked out when the turtles, April and Casey get inside.

They find out that the natural disasters have been coming closer and closer to New York. Meaning the next portal will be in the center of New York. The turtles escape with April and Casey, but as they're leaving , an elevator shaft turns into a ravine in a lush jungle, with a waterfall, which our heroes dive into. As they swim through the jungle, they see a sewer tunnel slowly fading away. They reach land and run toward the tunnel. April and Casey get through, but the turtles don't.

Leonardo sees one of his brothers being stricken down. He runs to his brother only to discover... It's not his brother. It's a tattooed turtle warrior. He knows the turtle's names and reveals that they are part of a prophecy. They are in Dimension X, which is being taken over by the Warlord Krang.

The turtle warrior tells the turtles that when they were born, the elders of their people said they would be the ones to defeat Krang. The turtle's parents (who were also turtle warriors) put the young turtles into the protection of their most trusted friend, Master Splinter. They find out their parents were killed by Krang. The origin with the ooze was all a ruse to keep them safe from Krang.

The warrior says that while Krang has not yet won the war, he will with a new device he has just finished constructing called The Technodrome. But he needs power for it. While Dimension X has many natural resources, it has no infrastructure, so he has to charge the Technodrome with the power grid in alphabet city. Once it's finished charging, he will break the portal and end the war on Dimension X. He needs four orbs (which keep Dimension X and earth from becoming one.) and he already has three. The turtle warrior was protecting the fourth and it has fallen into the hands of Krang. He gives them weapons created for them by their father. The warrior sends them off. The portal opens again and they find Splinter April and Casey. The turtles are angry with Splinter for lying to them, but they need to worry about the Technodrome first.

New York and Dimension X are melding together as this happens, with citizens going crazy as the giant Technodrome starts to appear over the skyline. The turtles, along with April and Casey, race to seperate the four orbs inside the Technodrome, as Splinter stays back to fight off enemy forces. A general (Davies), sends fighter jets toward the Technodrome.

Our heroes reach the Technodrome. A cable is siphoning power from the grid.Meanwhile, Splinter is being allied by numerous turtle warriors. The turtles enter the Technodrome, leaving Casey and April to get into the facility (which is described as an electric maze) and shut the power down.

As Schrader, Bebop and rocksteady come to defend the power cable, the turtles infiltrate the Technodrome until they reach the main command center. Meanwhile Casey enters an area of the grid that is extremley dangerous, with an enemy who's following him being killed by exposed wires, which reveal Casey to the enemies.

The turtles start their fight with Krang (described as a mass of grey matter an an armored suit with four arms.) Krang taunts the turtles, telling them that their fear is like the one in their father's eyes when Krang killed him. Casey runs throught the high voltage wires to escape enemies as April sends Davies to help him. Casey ducks throught the wires as Schrader lines up a shot.

The turtles get the better of Krang, destroying his suit as the fighter jets fly closer towards the Technodrome. Casey sees that Schrader, Bebop and Rocksteady are standing in a pool of collant liquid from all of the gunshots fired in the grid. He kicks a stand that drops numerous exposed cables into the pool of coolant and Schrader, Bebop and Rocksteady are incapacitated by the blast of electricity.

Casey slams the emergency shut off button as the jets shoot missiles at the Technodrome. The turtles, having just defeated Krang, take the orbs and leap out of the huge window of the main command center.

Just as the missles hit the Technodrome, the orbs go dark and Dimension X and New York seperate. Davies and other military subdue Schrader, Bebop and Rocksteady in a giant steel kennel.

The turtles, Splinter, April and Casey all stand together in the wreckage. Splinter reveals that each of the turtles must return the orbs back to their respectful places at the four corners of the earth seperately. At each place they will get Turtle warrior trainees from Dimension X.

The film ends with April giving a rousing speech. We see all of the turtles in different parts of the globe, returning the orbs to their rightful place. Her speech ends with her saying that people are never as alone as they think they are.

So let's get into the review.

- The script focuses on secondary human characters instead of the more interesting main characters (reminds me of the other 80s cartoon movies Bay was involved in)

- Iconic characters like the Shredder are bastardized while Bebop and Rocksteady are LITERALLY EXACTLY THE SAME as their cartoon personas.

- I can not count how many times the Turtles all fold into their shells and bounce around a room to do something. One scene describe the turtle as a bowling ball and the foot soldiers as the pins.

- We get lines like this:
RAPHAEL (after Casey asks how they know kung-fu): "Kung-Fu? What do we look like? Cartoon Panda bears? We are trained in Ninjitsu. And we don't just know it, we serve it for dinner."
or
RAPHAEL: "That damn frog was right. It ain't easy being green."
or
AGGRO GAURD O.S.: "Come get a taste of the Wu-Tang!"
or
TURTLE WARRIOR (explaining how the Technodrome needs the orbs): "You do it with balls... and not the ones you're thinkin' of."
or
TURTLE WARRIOR: "No more 'buts', Rockstar. There's only one thing left to do. You gotta BELIEVE!--"

These are all actual lines from the script.

- Krang, arguably the main villain, has two lines in the script.

- There is a perfect opprotunity for the turtles to wear their original red masks, only for them to turn out to be black? And Casey mentions Resivoir Dogs while giving them their color-coded masks.

I honestly don't have it in me to list everything I found to be terrible in this script, but I think you get the idea.

END OF SPOILERS

This piece of sh*t is luckily getting rewritten, but one can only guess how much. I can only hope for a major rehaul. I'll let you read the above sysnopsis (or if you look hard enough, the actual script) and you can decide for yourself.
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40 Comments
TayDee - 8/24/2012, 12:05 AM
Humanoid turtles?


arekusandora - 8/24/2012, 12:19 AM
A two year old could have done a better job writing that this garbage
Kiltman - 8/24/2012, 1:06 AM
Mother...of....god...
TECHNODROME518 - 8/24/2012, 1:06 AM
Ok, Colonel Schrader...nuff said, but no i'll keep going... I read this "script" like the turtles coming off as way too over the top with the bouncing things off the shells. There are some decent ideas, but a lot of this "script" is meh. I do wanna see the Technodrome, Krang, Bebop, and Rocksteady in the new movie. Hell, give me Baxter Stockmon, Metalhead, The Rat King, Leatherhead, Chrome Dome, Slash, or The Rock Soldiers.
Jlocklin - 8/24/2012, 1:16 AM
blink blink... why must my childhood be continuously sodomized?
TheBatman1 - 8/24/2012, 1:47 AM
What the hell. The movie is almost identical to transformers
loki668 - 8/24/2012, 2:58 AM
I DEMAND A REFUND!!!! Oh, wait, I didn't waste my money at the theatre watching this shit *whew*. I just wasted my time reading it. Hmmmmm.............ONCE AGAIN, I DEMAND A REFUND!!!!

Lord Loki has spoken
comiccow6 - 8/24/2012, 3:23 AM
Colonel Schrader? Okay, I can live with that.
Michelangelo is shielding them from bullets? Whatever, could be the shell.
A forklift bounces off a shell, into an SUV. Now forcing myself to read. My eye twitches.
HUGE EXPLOSION!!! Damn you Michael Bay.
blvdnoise - 8/24/2012, 3:43 AM
WhatWhat?
blvdnoise - 8/24/2012, 3:57 AM
LOL'ing @comiccow6 comment. I only read the first half. I just can't help getting excited though. I mean, it's the [frick]cing Ninja Turtles!!!
jimoakley666 - 8/24/2012, 4:17 AM
Isn't this the basic plot for the Super Mario Bros Movie? And we all know what happened there...
SimyJo - 8/24/2012, 4:45 AM
What a crappy retcon of their origin, Michael Bay really doesn't have a clue does he.
And "BIG EXPLOSION"? - >.<

Seriously, If this gets greenlit I think a little bit of my faith in Humanity will die.
Spidey91 - 8/24/2012, 5:05 AM
what the flying f*ck? this sh*t has Michael Bay written all over it.

-pointless love story: check
-Government conspiracy: check
-military forces: check
-unnecessary explosions: check
-bastardization of the mithology of the source material: check
-focusing on the humans instead of the main characters: check

and the portal thing sounds just like something from Transformers DOTM
Jolt17 - 8/24/2012, 5:25 AM
No.

Is that enough? No.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Not even enough. I give up.
Skeletor - 8/24/2012, 5:52 AM
@wolverinesfury

Here's an excerpt if you don't believe me:

sevenminus - 8/24/2012, 5:58 AM
@wolverinesfury: Sadly, it's 100% real.

I know; I was initially in denial, too.
Viral - 8/24/2012, 5:59 AM
I agree with wolverinesfury. This is written by a random Michael Bay hater. It's definitely fake. This line gave it away:
"One part of this scene has one of the turtles THROWING A FORKLIFT, which BOUNCES OFF ANOTHER TURTLE'S SHELL, and INTO AN SUV, causing a HUGE EXPLOSION."

The above excerpt doesn't prove anything. I can write the same thing and send it to you.
blite32 - 8/24/2012, 6:01 AM
This is giving off a huge Transformers vibe.... I hate it
Skeletor - 8/24/2012, 6:04 AM
@Viral

I'm not going to argue with you. But I can guarantee that this is real. If you don't want to beleive it, go ahead.

But you're wrong.
Viral - 8/24/2012, 6:13 AM
@Skeletor

How did you get it?
Skeletor - 8/24/2012, 6:18 AM
@Viral

A member on the IMDb boards. The same one who gave me the scripts for Deadpool, Wold War Z nd A Nightmare on Elm Street before it came out.
Viral - 8/24/2012, 6:23 AM
@ Skeletor

From these movies only Elm Street is released. I wouldn't call this credible but we'll have to wait and see.
I know you have a reason to trust your sources but something's wrong with this one. Maybe not the whole thing but something.
Skeletor - 8/24/2012, 6:27 AM
@Viral

Once again this script is from January. The film was delayed a couple of months ago. This script is going through a rewrite as we speak.
Viral - 8/24/2012, 6:37 AM
And now this article is moved from "news" to "fan fic"! I think this means a lot.
Skeletor - 8/24/2012, 6:45 AM
Not sure why that happened. This is in no way satire.
Viral - 8/24/2012, 7:08 AM
I guess someone from CBM got a phone call from above. :)
Viral - 8/24/2012, 7:21 AM
No need. Now it's moved to editorial. I guess many people still don't know what exactly is this. :)
SimpleObserverOfThings - 8/24/2012, 8:39 AM
What in the world is he doing to this story, Dimension x? Warrior Turtles? A human called Schrader, yet he's Shredder?

Once again Michael Bay just wants to blow up things, I think he should only work in the department of special affects, not directing, leave the writing and directing to those who can make things make sense.

I'm glad though that they decided to rewrite this failure, hope they stay true to the origin story, and just make the Ooze the only thing alien...
nailbiter111 - 8/24/2012, 9:02 AM
Oh My God NOT ANOTHER FOOKING THIS YOUR PROPHECY BULLSHOOT. oh lord is that trash.
sweetre15 - 8/24/2012, 10:30 AM
I can definitely say this script is legit....why is Satire added to the frickin title? It's FAR from Satire trust me.

Here's one of the earliest reviews of the script: http://tmntnottant.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-tant-script-reviewed.html?m=0

It lines up with what both El Mayimbe and Firstshowing.net said about it.
Dynamo - 8/24/2012, 1:15 PM
Holy Shit, does that sound bad...
sevenminus - 8/24/2012, 1:23 PM
@LEVITIKUZ: Michael Bay is producing it.

Producer > Director
Viral - 8/24/2012, 11:21 PM
@ sevenminus

So then why all Transformers haters don't blame Steven Spielberg for the live action trilogy?
loki668 - 8/25/2012, 1:27 AM
@Viral

We do.

Lord Loki has spoken
TankD - 8/26/2012, 11:32 PM
I read the script and honestly I liked it I mean the parts with casey jones and april were lame as [frick] but everything with the turtles was on par with the cartoon and the animated movie. everything from bebop and rocksteady and deminsion x was awsome (except for the race of turtles and shredder) but the interaction between the tutrles was handled well but everything eles was crap. mabe the reasons for the rewrites? i dont know but im hopeing itl change.
Caveboy0 - 8/29/2012, 10:57 PM
from a perspective of someone who never really got into the ninja turtles (i.e. i've seen the live action movie as a kid, maybe watched the cartoon, got a few comics) but not a life long fan like i am with lets say Batman or Spider-Man. From what I can gather from this script on the plus side I like the idea of just kind of jumping into a story. I mean the premise is in the title so why not just jump into the middle of a story where the turtles are in a situation, but from there things are down hill.
Again from my outside perspective I'd say the biggest flaw is focusing so much on the origin, if i am going to see a ninja turtle movie the last thing i want to get overplayed is the nonsense origin. Yeah its stupid and out of date, radioactive goo doesn't work like that, but who cares, clearly the original comics didn't. The commentary on all the other radioactive based super heroes is lost so just move on from their origins. Nobody needs TMNT Begins. The last thing they are is believable and I can already accept that so why waste time making it an easier pill to swallow? All that the script ends up accomplishing is making the story more convoluted and not progressing forward in any meaningful way. It's too caught up in the past and not making a worth while future in the process.
The second problem of course is not focusing on the Turtles themselves. Even I can say their personalities are iconic why avoid that? Even worse is making the main human character a dude who never existed. April O'Neil is that character so why change that? She discovers them why complicate things by having her on and off boyfriend do it and bring it to her leaving another main character left to the background?
Finally of course is the shoddy dialogue and bad action. I think we can agree that the original cartoon never featured great action since censorships at all, but still the action is again in the title. Why play things up with explosions and gimmicky turtle related gags? Just having them kicking ass with staffs and sticks and maybe even using swords properly. As for the dialogue you'd figure that there is enough material across all iterations to provide some point of reference, inspiration, a voice for these characters. Instead there are these obvious, cookie cutter lines.

I don't know how seriously fans take TMNT, but from what I know of the franchise and expect the very least a live action movie could do is just play into the idea. Teenage - Mutant - Ninja - Turtles every line of that title is awesome and more importantly a title that doesn't give two shits about being anything other than fun. They are ninjas so the bad guys should also be ninja related and just having it play out like it sounds. Why try to make it anything close to realistic?
Godzillapool - 8/29/2012, 11:05 PM
I feel like they wanted to change things while playing lip service to the old show. But you can't have it both ways. Like Deadpool in Wolverine you get Ryan Reynolds to play the role but then you tape his mouth shut. Different universes. At best an elseworlds story.
Thegoddamnbatman52 - 8/29/2012, 11:33 PM
I like the inclusion of kraang, bebop and rocksteady, And the technodrome but they completely bastardized shredder and the foot clan, the foot are ninja not generic army bad guys, and seriously were talking about a world where god damn humanoid turtles do kung fu there is no reason that naming shredder shradder to sound,like a real name is necessary because it's ninja turtles, it's supposed to be over the top, and finally this scripts biggest problem is the fact that they come from a race of turtle warriors from dimension x, I'm sorry but no no and no that is not how they originated the ooze was there origin. That idea is stupid and even too ridiculous by ninja turtle standards, look I want the technodrome and kraang and,bebop and rocksteady but please make the shredder the shredder and make the foot ninja, and don't [frick] with the turtles origins if those things were in place this script wouldn't be too horrible
Zuriel - 8/30/2012, 6:06 PM
Does anyone else, when reading this, picture the Technodrome coming through a portal in the sky above New York City, just like Cybertron did in Transformers Dark of the Moon?

And if the Turtles are a race of beings from another dimension, then why is Splinter a Rat? Is there a planet or dimension of rat beings as well? It gives me a headache. However, there is a planet of Triceratops and a giant floating cow head in the comics.
Opt1mu5Pr1m4l - 6/22/2013, 8:58 AM
This does sound bad. And when I go and see this movie and I fnd out that Michael Bay has done exactly the same thing as he did with Transformers by centralising the story on humans rather than the main characters, I will go absolutely nuts.

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