Ten Superman Super Powers That Would Ruin MAN OF STEEL

Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, can smoke more cigars than George Burns and throw his voice farther than Edgar Bergen. Look up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's a fake hologram duplicate of Superman!

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By Brian VanHooker - 10/10/2012
Ten Superman Superpowers That Would Ruin MAN OF STEEL
by
Brian VanHooker
Turtle with Lemonade Productions
www.turtlewithlemonade.com

Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Now you'd think that along with heat vision, frost breath, x-ray vision, super hearing, super smell and photographic memory would be more than enough for Superman to have, but throughout the character's history we've gotten a number of other random, bizarre and ridiculous powers attributed to the last son of Krypton, any of which would instantly ruin next year's Superman reboot MAN OF STEEL. Let's hope that Warner Brothers, Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder know better than to give Superman any of these powers:



10. Super Kiss

At the end of Superman II, Lois has found out that Clark Kent is Superman. Now, he must assume that Lois is just a horrible, uncaring bitch who's going to run an expose on the cover of the Daily Planet outing him as Superman, otherwise, he'd just ask her to keep it between them. But rather than politely asking her to keep a secret, Superman decides to scramble her brains with a Super Kiss, making her forget everything she's learned. Just imagine if Lex Luthor had found out Superman's identity!



9. Super Face-Mushing Power

Way back in the forties, Superman could do all kinds of things he can't do now. In Superman #45, he mushes up his face to turn himself into an alien, so he can infiltrate a species trying to invade earth. Why he never used this ability before or after is a mystery. One thing comes to mind though, if he had super face mushing power, why the hell did he never use it to make a better disguise for himself other than horn-rimmed glasses?



8. Super Ventriloquism

This power was also featured back in the 1940's, but, unlike most of the other powers on this list, Super Ventriloquism appeared more than once! Somehow comic writers back then felt that in addition to flying and super strength, Superman also needed to do stupid parlor tricks to thwart villains. It's surprising that Clark Kent never took up ventriloquism professionally. That would have been a much better secret identity. No one would ever suspect a dorky ventriloquist of being Superman.



7. Super Great-Wall-of-China-Rebuilding Power

Of all the ridiculous things in Superman IV (and there are A LOT of them) this has to be the most absurd. During his fight with Nuclear man (if you don't know who Nuclear Man is, you're lucky), Superman and Nuclear Man fly all around the world fist-fighting each other. When they get to China, Nuclear Man blows the crap out of the Great Wall of China and after the fight, Superman somehow puts all of the bricks back in place by simply looking at the rubble. It makes you wonder why Superman never did this to any American landmarks during his many battles that caused collateral damage here at home. I guess it's just up to the taxpayers again to pay for someone else's mess.



6. Super Cigar-Smoking Power

At some point during the 1960's, Superman was committed to an insane asylum where he met a man who believed he was General Ulysses S. Grant. In addition to to allowing Grant to ride him like a horse in a very sexual manner, he accepts a dozen cigars from the General as a thank-you gift. Soonafter, Superman needs to create a smoke screen for some reason, and he smokes all the cigars at once to distract his enemy. A wonderful message to send to kids if there ever was one: not only is smoking cool, but it will SAVE YOUR LIFE! Way to go Superman, at least Joe Camel only smoked one cigarette at a time.



5. Super Loki Power

Another one from Superman II (Not the Donner cut, and if you've never seen the Donner cut, what is wrong with you? Stop reading this article and go watch Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut, now). During the final fight between himself and the evil Kryptonians, Superman tricks them by creating hologram duplicates of himself. Basically the same hinge that Loki does in Avengers. Like Superman didn't have enough powers already, he has to steal powers from other comic book characters.



4. Super Earth-Rebuilding Power

Granted, he didn't do it with his mind, but it's so far-fetched it makes it even harder to swallow that him rebuilding the Great Wall. Okay, so, in World's Finest issue 241from 1976, Batman and Superman are in space while Earth blows up or something and Superman grabs a bunch of pieces from other planets and asteroids and stuff and builds a new earth from scratch. He also uses his super-breath to basically operate as an atom-smasher, then he creates Earth's new atmosphere by blowing on it. I don't know how all the people returned to Earth, and I shudder to think what part of Superman's bod they came out of.



3. Super Midget-Shooting Power

No, Superman never shot a midget. At least, I don't think he did… Does Mr. Mxyzptlk count as a midget? Anyway, during an adventure back in 1939, Superman loses all of his powers due to radiation poisoning but gains one new power: the ability to shoot a miniature version of himself out of his hand that possesses all of his powers. How? Why? What kind of drugs were the writers doing? All of these questions come to mind. Clearly the creators of this comic had no idea what radiation does. Granted, this was created prior to us dropping the bombs on Japan, so I guess this is as logical a guess as any for the side-effects of radiation.



2. Super Spin-the-World-Backwards-to-Time-Travel Power

It upsets me very much that the epic conclusion to such a wonderful movie made this list. Superman: The Movie is an amazing, breakthrough film. Well acted, well written, well directed, but the conclusion to this story should make anyone shake their heads. Lois Lane dies, so Superman flies around the world so fast he reverses the direction of Earth, thus allowing him to travel back in time and save her. Whoever came up with this ridiculous logic should have their head examined. If Superman were able to reverse the direction of Earths rotation (and that's a gigantic IF), all he would do is send everyone and everything on Earth hurtling into space. In addition, there's a fair chance he'd knock Earth out of orbit altogether. Plus, even if he could turn back time like this, how the hell did he know that? Wouldn't he at lease hesitate before trying it for the first time? Isn't he supposed to be Earth's savior? Yet he's willing to risk us all on a hunch with some very flawed logic.



1. Super Whatever the F--k This Is

In Superman II, Superman doesn't just create duplicates of himself and Super Kiss Lois, he also, during the final fight scene, pulls off the "S" from his costume(though it still remains there) and throws it at the evil Kryptonian Non. The paper shield grows somehow and wraps itself around Non like a giant piece of Saran wrap, temporarily subduing him. That's it. It's just about the most baffling moment in Superman history, an unexplainable power that someone spent thousands of dollars on to produce the effect for. The only possible explanation to this is that Richard Lester lost his mind during filming.
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74 Comments
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Luigi - 10/10/2012, 12:13 AM
Maybe besides #2 (but still probably not) nothing on this list would be in the movie. That being said, this list is awesome and hilarious
HeadPool420 - 10/10/2012, 12:15 AM
Some very valid points. Super midget shooting was one I never heard of. Made me laugh thank you.
Ceejay - 10/10/2012, 12:26 AM
And this is why as a kid I was convinced DC stood for Dumb Comics.
skeev - 10/10/2012, 12:27 AM
Well firstly yeh some of this stuff is silly - especially the throwing of the shield.

The duplicate Supes should have been done my him traveling at super speed to show in in more than one place rather than some silly power. The kiss should have been done with some exotic plant he found and applied like lip balm.
As for the turning back time I don't know how many times it has to be said - HE DIDN'T REVERSE THE EARTH DIRECTION AND TURN BACK TIME!

He flew in the the opposite direction of the earth into the past. The events showing the destruction is his point of view - he THEN stops the problem and saves Lois.

Some of these things your have to take with a pinch of salt others use some imagination so they don't seem as silly as the whole idea in the first place.

Same with the Matrix and Inception the ending isn't always what the general consensus thinks it is.
Well that's how I see it anyway
WeAreVenom86 - 10/10/2012, 12:50 AM
Supes has always been our favorite of all the heroes in either of the comics mainly because he stands up as the ultimate good....but holy [frick] nuggets did they come up with some pretty retarded crap back in the day. Zack Snyder...stay true dammit!
Shooter - 10/10/2012, 1:09 AM
I thought the Super Loki Power duplicates were created by Fortress of Solitude crystal technology.
Shooter - 10/10/2012, 1:10 AM
@skeev - You can clearly see the Earth rotate backwards and then he turns it forward again.
prettynuclear2 - 10/10/2012, 1:15 AM
Laser sight should be on here.
DCjohnny - 10/10/2012, 1:21 AM
thank god they dont have thoes powers now (new 52)....and no way superman will have thoes power in man of steel ...
AmazingFantasy - 10/10/2012, 1:53 AM
Superman....

WOW WHO THE [frick] THOUGHT OF THESE SHIT FOR THAT BADASS?
patriautism - 10/10/2012, 1:55 AM
Awesome list dude, i literally laughed pretty hard.

@WolverinesZombie Dude exactly half of them are from the comics, or did you just block those out of your head somehow?

BCat - 10/10/2012, 1:56 AM
@Skeev - You need to watch the film again then, the Earth changes direction!
Ichaos - 10/10/2012, 2:00 AM
I think the ability to shoot super midgets from his hand somehow being able to recreate the earth from debree and people magically reapear should be on top of the list and the super S sheild and duplicate holograms in the fortress of solitude should be dropped. I don't think either were powers. The Super shield was some sort of Kryptonian defensive weapon kinda like a net. The Holograms was probably also probably Krypto tech given the computer systemes were pretty much all hologram based.

Ragnaroknroll - 10/10/2012, 2:10 AM
I love Superman but this article rules.
NoAssemblyReqd - 10/10/2012, 2:27 AM
I've always reconciled the turning-back-time power as being a one-off -- something Supes was only able to do because he was so emotionally destroyed. He basically flew so fast that he broke through the bounds of the space-time continuum. Literally showing him spinning the Earth was a nice visual gag, but ultimately it made the writer look a bit stupid (not to mention giving kids all over the world a simplistic understanding of science).
ShadowlordSavage - 10/10/2012, 2:33 AM
One of the biggest complaints most people have with Supes stares you in the face. Even with his most common abilities there are people who still feel it's too much.

I'm big fan of this character, but if you see ridiculous abilities like these; while it's laughable, it also shows why people have such a stigma against him.

However, what can you do? Change too much and loyal fans complain, change too little and the stigma remains the same. I have to say though, this character will always have people say that he's boring or unrelatable because even if you can make him relevant in a way that doesn't pissed too many people off (in comics or other means)there will still be people who'll think he's lame.

Everyone has haters in some form, but I've had to argue over Super more than I had with Batman. I just hope this film increases the characters popularity and succeeds where others failed so maybe some minds will be changed.

RamonSuarez - 10/10/2012, 3:07 AM
I love how this article skewers the Donner Superman films for give Supes outlandish and ridiculous powers. I agree with all of the choices and especially believe that the ones from from Superman 1 and 2 indicate how much Donner got wrong in his interpretation of the character's powers.
SuperSomething616 - 10/10/2012, 3:23 AM
I always took the whole flying round the earth in reverse and the earth rotating in reverse as just a visual representation of superman flying so fast he went back in time...never actually viewed it that he reveresed the earths rotation to turn back time...maybe thats what the effects guys had in mind too...

Still really funny list!!! Nicely put together...i wonder how many other daft powers Supermans had over the years...
lokibane2012 - 10/10/2012, 3:30 AM
We have never had a good Superman movie. I am sorry, but it is a fact. All of them suck dry donkey nuts.
BIGBMH - 10/10/2012, 4:04 AM
Nice article! I had no idea about some of these!
BruceWayneNewton - 10/10/2012, 4:08 AM
@Teabag...stop your yapping and show us some boobs! this was a fun article btw
mctrinket - 10/10/2012, 4:19 AM
dnno1 - 10/10/2012, 4:23 AM
That \S/ shield trick was one that Superman pulled out of his \S/.
DrainBamage - 10/10/2012, 4:35 AM
The sad thing is, the whole reversing the Earth gimick became fact for a lot of people.

You ask a lot of people who don't any any better, "what happens if the Earth spins backwards?" They'll probably say that time will reverse.

Superman and some of these crazy powers make for some fun reading. I mean, it's not like he ever returned from the dead or something. Oh!
XavierLehnsherr - 10/10/2012, 4:36 AM
I would love to get high using super-inhaling powers.
Inhuman - 10/10/2012, 4:55 AM
man of steel better kick ass
BruceWayneNewton - 10/10/2012, 5:01 AM
fair enough, teabag. I'm familiar with this excuse.
dnno1 - 10/10/2012, 5:27 AM
This one is for the guys:



This one is for the gals:

Gary8264 - 10/10/2012, 5:33 AM
I remember readin' Supes in the 70's, and each issue kept gettin' worse for me. He could do anythin', didn't even matter how stupid it was. I liked the Batman and Detective comics of the 70's, but not so much Supes.
JDUKE25 - 10/10/2012, 5:38 AM
And that's why I'm looking forward to Man of Steel. It's not going to have any of this stupid crap in there, hopefully.
Nomis1800 - 10/10/2012, 5:46 AM
This is very funny! But of course, none of these things will be in the film. You'll see.
Jollem - 10/10/2012, 5:51 AM
good stuff. i read an article in a wizard magazine some years ago that was pretty much the same as this one. superman was actually a jerk to his little doppelganger

man of steel will dominate 2013, and render 2012 obsolete
SUPERSHADOWBAT - 10/10/2012, 5:53 AM
Being a big Superman fan, I have to agree all of these are pretty ridiculous. Still as someone else pointed out the earth spinning one was him going back in time, not Superman reversing the rotation of the earth. The midget one is hilarious.
Super12 - 10/10/2012, 6:00 AM
I still can't figure out why people think Superman 2 is that good. Now I haven't seen the Director's cut version which is probably better, but Superman 3 is way better than 2 by a long shot.
TheMarvelWay - 10/10/2012, 6:01 AM
Not so much worried about seeing his powers as I dread the Cavill crotch shots.
Bryan Singer's nearly All-Gay cast and gay costume has been outdone by the new, more gay costume.
Jollem - 10/10/2012, 6:22 AM
this is gonna be awesome

Maximus101 - 10/10/2012, 6:49 AM
It's going to be the best cbm next year no doubt, iron man 3 will make more I believe but man of steel will be a better movie.
BruceWayneNewton - 10/10/2012, 7:08 AM
I'm not sure which I love more, the boobs from teabag or that vid of supes flying. I'm leaning towards the boobs but not by much...
plasticman - 10/10/2012, 7:09 AM
I want to see him utilize the Super-Midget-Shooting Power. The multiple Supermans could be done with the use of his robot assistance. The plastic growing symbol coming out of my chest is pointless knowing that he could use his freeze breath to cause the same effect, entrapment.

Great article, I would love to seen this done for other characters. Not necesarily movie characters, but just plain ol' silly powers that writers have used over the years. I'm sure if you look back far enough ol' Plastic Man has a few crazy ones out there too.
Mrwriter1701 - 10/10/2012, 7:30 AM
I remember that super-ventriloquism used to be Superman's favorite way of communicating with people in space! Obviously, the writers had absolutely no idea of how ventriloquism actually WORKS - because it allowed Superman to project his voice through a vacuum and into a space suit!
Clever. Now, if Jeff Dunham could learn THAT trick....
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