X-MEN: Professor Charles Xavier Fires CYCLOPS (Parody)

Professor Charles Xavier (Pete Holmes) determines that Cyclops (Scott Summers) poses too much of a safety risk for him to be a member of the X-Men, as all that protects the world from Cyclops' optic blast are sunglasses with ruby quartz lenses.

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By nailbiter111 - 12/12/2013


"The Pete Holmes Show" - Weeknights at Midnight/11 Central, After Conan

Cyclops possesses the mutant ability to project a beam of heatless ruby-colored concussive force from his eyes, which act as inter-dimensional apertures between this universe and another. Cyclops' body constantly absorbs ambient energy, such as sunlight, from his environment into his body's cells that allows him to open the apertures. Cyclops' mind generates a psionic field that is attuned to the forces that maintain the apertures. Because this field envelops his body, it automatically shunts the other-dimensional particles back into their point of origin when they collide with his body. Thus, his body is protected from the effects of the particles, and even the thin membranes of his eyelids are sufficient to block the emission of energy. The synthetic ruby quartz crystal used to fashion the lenses of Cyclops' eyewear is resonant to his minds' psionic field and is similarly protected.

The width of Cyclops' optic blast is focused by his mind's psionic field with the same autonomic function that regulated his original eyes' ability to focus. As Cyclops focuses, the size of the apertures change and thus act as a valve to control the flow of particles and the beam's relative power. The height of Cyclops's eye-blast is controlled by his visor's adjustable slit. The beam's effective range is approximately 2,000 feet. Due to a head injury, Cyclops is unable to shut off his optic blasts at will and must therefore wear ruby quartz lenses to block the beams. - Marvel Wiki
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35 Comments
nailbiter111 - 12/12/2013, 5:11 AM
This one is actually pretty funny. About as good as the Gambit one.
BenjiWest - 12/12/2013, 5:19 AM
This one was alright.....
TheOneAboveAll - 12/12/2013, 5:21 AM
Damn this was fast
MegatronLP9 - 12/12/2013, 5:22 AM
He's more of a Dr. Evil than Professor Xavier
SimpleeComplex - 12/12/2013, 5:25 AM
Was hoping this would be funny, but failed. His optic blasts would 't cut anyone in half because they don't work like that, they deliver concussive force. Even if they did cut someone's torso off it certainly wouldn't be Rogue cuz her powers make her extremely durable. Not funny anymore, he should've quit while he was ahead.
goatman - 12/12/2013, 5:34 AM
SimpleComplex...
And Wiley E. Coyote wouldn't hang in mid-air for seconds before he fell to the ground off a cliff either. Not sure if you know this though... Cyclops isn't real.

I'm not saying the skit is particularly funny, but arguing the realism of "mutant powered laser optic eye beams that can't be shut off and therefore must be filtered using a pair of Oakley sunglasses" is not particularly helpful to your cause to be taken seriously either.
sameer1805 - 12/12/2013, 5:42 AM
Double Grey LMFAO
otusasio451 - 12/12/2013, 5:44 AM
@goatman SimpleeComplex knows its a fictional character. He's debating the sketch based on the parameters of the universe in which Cyclops character is established. That having been said,

@SimpleeComplex Cyclops actually says that wouldn't happen, so it's possible that the sketch writers are, in fact, aware that his powers don't work that way. Plus, it's been established that the version of Xavier presented in these sketches is not only a massive jerk, but also highly ignorant of the X-Men's powers. Given that, this sketch isn't that bad, actually. Better than many of the more recent ones that really didn't need to be made.

But here's the question, guys. Will he fire Jean Grey?
AC1 - 12/12/2013, 5:50 AM
The thing I don't get about Cyclops is that, if his eyes shoot CONCUSSIVE energy beams (meaning they basically push things), shouldn't his sun glasses keep flying off of his head, regardless of what they're made of?
nailbiter111 - 12/12/2013, 5:57 AM
SimpleeComplex - yeah, that's taking it a bit too seriously.
Super12 - 12/12/2013, 6:11 AM
Haha ok this was one of his best one of these!

@AC1 good question....
MegaMatt - 12/12/2013, 6:28 AM
@AC1

Yes
DrDoom - 12/12/2013, 6:51 AM
A step up from the previous ones.
MCMLXXXII - 12/12/2013, 7:13 AM
these videos have been more miss than hit.. and he is more doctor evil than professor x..
MCMLXXXII - 12/12/2013, 7:14 AM
oh and i saw him do stand-up on conan once, not funny..
SkinnyGlasses - 12/12/2013, 7:21 AM
I can't be the only one who finds these painfully unfunny? The skit is a decent premise, but it doesn't work as a sort of series given that it's the exact same joke every time.
Also it's uncomfortably clear that he finds himself hilarious, which gives the whole thing a very strange sense of smugness.

Hate to be a debbie downer but I'm just not seeing the appeal of these.
MsDarkPhoenix - 12/12/2013, 7:45 AM
@otusasio451 What? He can't fire me! I'll kill him if he does!

Tell me grif, when was the last time you laughed? The last time you found something just a little bit exciting? Your life must be miserable, you never like anything! Sometimes I agree with you, but some other times it's just pathetic, dude. Don't get me wrong, I'm just concerned for you!
MsDarkPhoenix - 12/12/2013, 7:48 AM
Also, don't ask me any questions about my sex life with Scott, this is personal ok?
SWelch - 12/12/2013, 7:53 AM
These are like a train wreck that people can't stop watching. I know they aren't going to be funny but I keep watching in hopes that one will be. I must be a glutton for punishment.
User1134 - 12/12/2013, 7:56 AM
@AC1-X-Cellent Question!
@ Gif- Good Show,Old Man!
@ Otusasio- He Wouldn't Need To Fire Her, Just Send Mental Insult And Let Her Know,LOL!
aRandomSinisterClone - 12/12/2013, 8:32 AM
how many of these shitty parodies are going to be posted on this site. [frick]ing waste
rabid - 12/12/2013, 8:49 AM
It would be funnier if Holmes could hold his Patrick Stewart impression for more than two seconds.
RajunRemyLebeau - 12/12/2013, 9:02 AM
Ok, LOL.
areyouagod - 12/12/2013, 9:32 AM
Not funny. Sounds like Ron Burgandy not Xavier.
SimpleeComplex - 12/12/2013, 9:52 AM
Lol i know its not real im jus sayin within the context of this situation i thought it woulve been funnier. I like Cyclops but i think powers are kinda goofy espec since he cant control em. I wanna see Prof X fire Legion for being a useless son or sumthin.
Demongod20 - 12/12/2013, 9:56 AM
@ SkinnyGlasses

Most of the people on this site don't have a since of humor. Your not alone but I happen to find this [frick]ing hilarious.
SimpleeComplex - 12/12/2013, 10:28 AM
@goatman but you're still a real live goat-man hybrid though rite? rite? :(
8thDynasty - 12/12/2013, 10:47 AM
please stop posting these.
unknownfacts - 12/12/2013, 11:11 AM
Now that was freaking hilarious.Keep'em coming Pete.
FoxForce5 - 12/12/2013, 11:26 AM
After the last few I wasn't expecting much but that one actually made me laugh!
mctrinket - 12/12/2013, 2:17 PM
Very funny.
CCR - 12/12/2013, 6:10 PM
@ppl saying to stop posting these

Why don't you just not click on them? Problem solved.
GoddamnBatman - 12/13/2013, 1:22 AM
I go back and watch the Wolverine and Gambit ones, plus the outtakes. Those are funny. Also his collegehumor Batman stuff.
GoddamnBatman - 12/13/2013, 1:23 AM
And the Angel one has it's moments
optimusbibby - 12/13/2013, 2:02 AM
i think these are WELL funny

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