EDITORIAL: Making Shailene Woodley Hot Enough To Play MJ In TASM 2

We've all seen the pics, but what can be done now that filming has started on Marc Webb's Spidey sequel? Plenty! Read on for my tips, which if followed to the letter will make Miss Woodley "model hot" enough to play every nerd's wet dream, Mary Jane Watson..

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By Mark "RorMachine" Cassidy - 2/28/2013
When Shailene Woodley was cast as Mary Jane Watson in Marc Webb's Amazing Spider-Man sequel, fans weren't best pleased - and rightly so. One Google search of the actress is enough to know that she looks almost nothing like the super-hot, incredibly bone-able character from the comics! I mean look, this pic is all that is needed to prove it..



See? The fictional, ink and pencil MJ is SMOKIN, while the actual human being just doesn't match up! WTF?? I mean don't get me wrong, the chick can look pretty do-able when she's all done up for a magazine shoot or whatever, but walking around like that in the real world? Just isn't gonna cut it sweetheart. People don't seem to understand: MJ is supposed to be unattainable, the nerd's wet dream, a girl Peter Parker would never even dream would look twice at him. And Woodley? Sorry, but I reckon any one of us would have a shot at that in a bar after a few too many Tequilas...Amarite? So I've decided to help Marc Webb and Sony out a little here. Woodley is cast, filming has commenced, not a lot they can do about that - but for future scenes? If they follow my tips the situation might just be salvageable. We'll start with the most important thing:

TITS:


Look at the pic - comic MJ has lovely big disproportionate ones, Woodley doesn't. Now obviously surgery would be the best route, but that's highly unlikely so I recommend padding. It's very simple, just stick a stuffed Wonderbra on the chick, and any scenes requiring actual semi or full (hey, we can hope!) nudity can utilize CGI! It's a magical age for cinema folks.

FACE:


Woodley is cute, MJ is hot - big difference. Why is it so hard for them to cast these roles properly? Just match up an actress to the picture in the comic! We were denied our raging hard-on with Kirsten "Snaggletooth" Dunst, and now it seems we are destined to leave the theater with clean pants once again. But like I said, damage is done, so let's focus on the positives. Woodley looks nice enough with a bit of slap on so just keep her that way. Don't let her walk around all normal looking between takes where she can be photographed, and fans can see the pics plastered all over the net, giving them a fucking aneurysm! Have her look her absolute best at all times and maybe we'll go see your movie.

HAIR:


Think dying your actress' hair red is enough? Not for us comic purists. Look at Woodley, then look at the comic version of MJ. Notice the difference? That's right, the drawing's hair is...bigger!

ASS:


Honestly, Woodley is doing alright in this area. Sure she could use a bit more junk in the trunk, and hot-model-porn-lookalikes DO tend to have longer legs, but what the Hell! We'll let that one slide - who says fanboys can't be reasonable?

ACTING ABILITY


We're not idiots, we know this is also important! It's just not the MOST important thing. I mean, acting can be taught, but you can't teach an actor how to look like the comic character they're playing, now can you? But, by all accounts (I haven't seen her in anything, but whatever) Woodley is a good actress so once they sort out her looks, everything should be okay.

That should just about cover it. Apply these changes Mr Webb and MAYBE you won't have an enormous flop on your hands. Yours sincerely, the REAL comic book fans.

NOTE: This article is meant as satire. It's a response to the - genuine - backlash Miss Woodley received when she was cast in the movie, and then again when set images of her were posted online. No offence to Miss Woodley or anyone else is meant, and I (meaning me, and not the absurd persona I wrote the article as!) genuinely think she is a beautiful, talented actress who will do a great job as MJ









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349 Comments
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Angelus - 2/28/2013, 4:06 AM
Boobs solve everything.
SpectacularJoShFest - 2/28/2013, 4:08 AM
LMFAO! Spot ON! I really lol'd at the TITS category...so true. And yeah I'd rather have a really hot MJ that looks the part but can't act(not Megan Fox-hot...that hoe can't act and is annoying as [frick]),but Woodley can act so no problem there.This girls is a few sammiches short to play MJ but we'll see.
RyGoR - 2/28/2013, 4:08 AM
Lol ror I love that tits is the first thing hahaha
jatfly - 2/28/2013, 4:09 AM
Yeah this is nuts one picture with out make up doesn't mean anything I am not rushing to judgement here. Give it some time. I know we all want MJ to be hot, but to rip apart this girl with out actually seeing he on film just isn't fair.
youknowmyname - 2/28/2013, 4:10 AM
Written by someone who has barely spoken to a real life woman, let alone touched one. What the [frick] is this shit?
AmazingFantasy - 2/28/2013, 4:12 AM
I am actually disgusted at you Ror, and ill contribute with what everyone else wants for their MJ pick:



Talentless Bimbo's for the win folks. Welcome to CBM.
CloserPleasures - 2/28/2013, 4:13 AM
who cares wow whatever man some ppl think shes attractive some think shes ugly and thats it theres no need to keep making these articles bout it .
manymade1 - 2/28/2013, 4:13 AM
No disrespect Ror, but does this really have to be on main?
AmazingFantasy - 2/28/2013, 4:15 AM
Fugly all right...



It's okay, I think she's a 8 year old that has no tits or ass and MEW should have been MJ, you know that actress that was in that Vampire thing tht flopped. I wouldnt [frick] her either....
HongKongPooey - 2/28/2013, 4:15 AM
why don't they just hire a porn actress then?
stonedasyoda - 2/28/2013, 4:15 AM
I'm not an active member hear but I come to read the news as it's the best place to keep up with comics news. But this article? This makes me want to bypass this whole site. What sexist nonsense is this? It's either written by some male chauvinistic pig or a dirty old man. Either way they clearly have no experience or respect for women. Personally I think this article should be removed. It isn't clever, it isn't funny and all it does is offend Shailene Woodley who doesn't deserve any of this.
DarthVenom - 2/28/2013, 4:16 AM
LOOOOL what type of article is this? :/
CaptainAustralia - 2/28/2013, 4:16 AM
I think this article could set a new low for CBM, especially for something featured on the front page. A truly juvenile, amateurish and generally offensive effort.
MrDonut - 2/28/2013, 4:17 AM
Im not entirely sure if this is serious or not...
BIGBMH - 2/28/2013, 4:17 AM
I'm kind of with darthbanon on this. I get that it's supposed to me humorous and I'm not the type who is bothered by the pictures of hot babes that often flood the comment section (quite to the contrary), but I don't think we should casually objectify a woman in the way this article does.
RorMachine - 2/28/2013, 4:18 AM
MrDonut, you think?
ZombieOverEasy - 2/28/2013, 4:18 AM
Is this a real article? Or am I missing the satire/sarcasm.
RorMachine - 2/28/2013, 4:21 AM
I'm not sure I could have made this article any more obviously a piss-take..but clearly I should have tried. My God. The most hilarious part are those that agree with it..for real! haha, oh my. The experiment worked..and I'm depressed that it did. Congratulations CBM community, you have proved them all right.
DeanVanHalen - 2/28/2013, 4:21 AM
Wow. Just wow. Assuming this post is supposed to be satire, it's just failed. Miserably. And brought down the entire site as a whole. Well done, Ror.
AmazingFantasy - 2/28/2013, 4:22 AM
I showed me girlfriend this ( avide fangirl) and was disguisted, calling you a " sexist pig" if you think all woman are big titted and something out of J. Scott's artworks, i have bad news for yiu.

I'm expressing my opinion here, this disgraces CBM.
AC1 - 2/28/2013, 4:23 AM
This is a joke, right? Not always clear in text, but I'm sure this is a joke.

Come on guys - Ror is clearly mocking the fanboys who've been criticizing Woodley's looks. Ror's not one of those raging, unreasonable crazies who demands that everything matches up 100% with the comics even if it'd be a negative for the movie. Use a bit of common sense when reading these articles, guys; it wouldn't be on main if it were an actual sexist article.
Tainted87 - 2/28/2013, 4:24 AM
My only problem is that she looks like a baby compared to the 30 year-old Andrew Garfield. Nothing about her body.
AmazingFantasy - 2/28/2013, 4:24 AM
@imadick- The name suits, doesn't it?
JordanKing - 2/28/2013, 4:25 AM
Also, if she could downsize her neck that would be great..
AmazingFantasy - 2/28/2013, 4:25 AM
It's a joke.
A very distasteful and failed joke.

AC1 - 2/28/2013, 4:26 AM
Seriously Ror, you might want to throw in a massive neon sign or something telling people that this is a joke.

Not entirely sure why this is on main, though.
DaddyTuesday - 2/28/2013, 4:27 AM
I think a lot of people have been really harsh with their comments but she does not look like how I'd imagine MJ to be. IMO she just isn't that hot either, make up or not. In saying that the new Lois Lane in The Man of Steel would not be my first, second or third choice of actress either. I'm not saying I want a carbon copy of the comic book character but someone who captures the feeling and spirit of the character is a must and the first step is to have the initial look. Margot Kidder did this for me. For me she was the perfect Lois and not one actress has ever come close to matching her. She was feisty & tough without losing any of her vulnerable charm. Also didn't hurt that she was beautiful in Superman The Movie and Superman 2.
soperman - 2/28/2013, 4:28 AM
I found this quite funny, honestly i think kirsten dunst was way hotter. And how the hell is this chick supposed to compete with emma stone?
youknowmyname - 2/28/2013, 4:30 AM
I love how it's an "experiment" and that the ones who took offense to it are the ones in the wrong. Ror, your writing isn't clever or humourous. If it were, we would have picked up that it was a joke. The very fact that you had to explain it was a satire, shows just how poor you are at writing satire.

"Experiment." Jesus.
PeterGreyson - 2/28/2013, 4:34 AM
@Superior

I fully agree with you, dont be ashamed of fighting this, I am actually disgusted in this as well. Absolutely disgusted. This is the first time ive actually been embarrassed to use this website.

Shailene Woodley is a movie star, and a model, she visits the set one day without make up and this is how fans react? disgusting.

The fact that you listed "tits and ass" as the defining characteristics of Mary Jane Watson just shows how little you actually know of the character, Yes she is designed to be a drop dead knock out, but that doesnt mean that she wont be. Almost every incarnation of MJ in High School as depicted her much like Shailene is depecting her now.

Grow the hell up and dont speak for "the REAL comic book fans" ever again. Because I will never lump myself in to the same group as someone like you.
RorMachine - 2/28/2013, 4:34 AM
"If it were, we would have picked up that it was a joke."

haha, ok. Maybe that neon sign is needed then..
AlexDeLarge87 - 2/28/2013, 4:35 AM
LOL xD
ExAmaxis - 2/28/2013, 4:35 AM
@ACira

But it does have sexism within its way of thinking.
And if you insist that it doesn't have, well how mature a way of thinking is by putting J. Scott Campbell's M.J drawing, not only as a reference but idolizing its sexiness against a female actress?
And the most ironic part of this article is the last one: "ACTING ABILITY: We're not idiots, we know this is also important! It's just not the MOST important thing."!
Bravo!!!
heisei24 - 2/28/2013, 4:36 AM


Xeriath - 2/28/2013, 4:36 AM
I get that this is just satire aimed at the super picky comic book fans that are impossible to please. It's easy to see how some people can get easily offended with this type of article though. Everyone is different and obviously (judging by the comments) a lot of people can't pick-up on satire like others can. That being said, I still don't think this should be on main.
Carl - 2/28/2013, 4:37 AM
Shes a lot more attractive than snaggle-tooth Kirsten dunst.
a bunch of pics show up of woodly while shes on her rag and without makeup on and the entire world goes insane.
Listen fellas, if you are married or have a live in girlfriend you damn well know there is 4 to 6 days a month she looks like shit.
its a fact.
AC1 - 2/28/2013, 4:38 AM
@Superior I'm kind of failing to see how this is a 'very distasteful' joke, could you explain? I mean, it's quite obvious that Ror's just mocking the people on this site who were complaining about ridiculous reasons why Shailene Woodley shouldn't have been cast as MJ. Perhaps it's not the most clever joke in the world, and sure it's a little crude, but distasteful? Really? I mean, who's he likely to actually offend?

The actress? I'm sure she doesn't actually give a shit about what any of the crazies on this site think, considering that she's already achieved a hell of a lot in a very short time compared to pretty much everyone on this site put together.
Plus, I'm sure it'd be obvious to her if she did read this (as obvious as it should be to everyone reading it) that this joke in no way insults her, considering Ror does actually mention how unrealistic MJ looks in the comics.
sahin86 - 2/28/2013, 4:38 AM
I don't hate Shailene Woodley, but i don't like her as Mary Jane because i just can't see her in that role.
I'D CHOOSE MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD!!!

/
Carl - 2/28/2013, 4:38 AM
Rormachine does classy articles generally, this is obviously sarcastic cbm community.
the problem with our generation is most of you need things spelled out far more than necessary.
youknowmyname - 2/28/2013, 4:41 AM
@Ror
No, acceptance of your limited communication skills is needed. At no point do you infer a "tongue-in-cheek" stance, all you did was write the most offensive things you could in order to provoke a visceral reaction. That's not 'satire'. Satire is something obviously humourous that puts a warped spin on the views of other people, when you have copied verbatim every nasty comment made about her over the last several days. Again, not 'satire'.
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