The Ideal Sexy Fantastic Shailene Woodley According To Our Residents.
Tired of the constant Shailene Article. I promise you this is the last one. If you read this. You will be visited by a very strange man. Thank You.
Here we are, shaming the satirist. Have we really gone too far? Or are we seriously this humorless? As many pointed out Shailene is not the ideal beauty for many. To some like iJack, she is a goddess. To some like Gusto, she is simply a piece of ass too young to be his great-grandchild.
With that said I present you the Ideal Shailene Woodley Who Can Play Mary Jane Watson And Will Give Fanboys Boners. We'll start with her hair:
To appease fans, her hair must be dyed in the blood of babies sacrificed to create the most awesome goddess. It has to be treated for 4 hours per day to maintain the consistent sheen. The only person who shall touch that hair is non other than hair god Vidal Sassoon.
PLUS THIS GUY
Onto the face now:
Her face must be moisturized with avocado oils to exfoliate the dust build up on the face. Mike Tyson should use her jawline and puffy cheeks as punching bags to tenderize and give her a more streamlined looking face. A sharp jawline and an even skinnier looking face to get boners up.
PLUS THIS GUY IS THE FACIAL RE-CONSTRUCTOR
What are we gonna do with her skin? Like most redheads, Shailene should have freckles and must not possess a soul. So we are going to bathe her in freckle inducing UV rays to give her that authentic soulless ginger look.
PLUS THIS GUY
Her armpits should be lasered and hair is a big no no, not even a peach fuzz on the top lip is acceptable.
For her boobs, I recommend getting 32 DD's, firm, not saggy. With those she can do stunts upside down and not worry about her tits slapping her face for the fanboys delight.
Onto her clothes, let's dress her up as a stripper. Lots of leather jackets, lots of hipster vintage t-shirts accentuating the nips. Leather pants is a must, yoga pants as well to showcase salt stains in between her thighs. Let's get her Ray Bans aviators to make the "look" as authentic as possible. Get her a tramp stamp too. A wiener dog looking tattoo is totally hot.
Her personality has to match her looks, I say she should act like the town bicycle and be "relatable ." Give her a freaking broom and dustpan, tell the audience that she is an aspiring housewife to emulate a normal person.
Fanboys love it when their moms clean their basements. A stripper who cleans is everyone's dream. It's a freaking bonus if she puts out.
Cornball Brother Out. Oh and Thank You for Reading. Your time is much appreciated.
: This article was submitted by a volunteer contributor who has agreed to our code of conduct
. ComicBookMovie.com is protected from liability under "safe harbor" provisions and will disable users who knowingly commit plagiarism, piracy, trademark or copyright infringement. For expeditious removal, contact us HERE