Top Ten Stupidest Reason to Time Travel In Film History

There are plenty of good reason to time travel: you want to save humanity or kill baby Hitler or you want a pet Velociraptor, but on film we've also gotten a lot of lousy excuses to travel through time, and here's the ten dumbest.

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By Brian VanHooker - 10/17/2012
Top Ten Stupidest Reason to Time Travel In Film History
by
Brian VanHooker
Turtle With Lemonade Productions
www.turtlewithlemonade.com

There are plenty of good reason to time travel: you want to save humanity or kill baby Hitler or you want a pet Velociraptor, but on film we've also gotten a lot of lousy excuses to travel through time, and here's the ten dumbest.



10. You’re Born That Way

In the sappy love story The Time Traveler’s Wife, Eric Bana is a man born with a genetic disorder which causes him to time travel inadvertently to random time periods. That’s right, he was just born that way. No Flux Capacitor, no wormholes, no gamma rays, he just inherited the old time-travel-gene. While some kids are born with freckles, Eric Bana is born with the ability to rip apart the space/time continuum. And, as if that weren’t ridiculous enough, he also passes on this gene to his children, who start time traveling before they are born. So his wife keeps miscarrying because all of her fetuses teleport away and get eaten by dinosaurs.



9. You Want To Save The Whales

In Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, the crew of the USS Enterprise returns to earth to find that an evil probe is attacking the planet, and only one thing can stop it’s reign of terror: a humpback whale. But, in 2286, humpback whales are extinct, so the crew must travel back to 1986 to kidnap a whale and bring it to the future. When they arrive in 1986, Kirk and Spock discover two whales who are about to be released into the wild. They quickly snatch up the creatures and bring them to 2286 where they’ll be the only two of their kind (this may somewhat contradict the film’s environmentalist message). So George and Gracie (the whales) are brought to the future and they ask the evil probe please stop. It complies and goes to the other end of the galaxy, restoring peace and order to Earth. Then, the whales are released into the seas of 2286, where they’re left with the hefty task of trying to repopulate their species.



8. You’re Afraid You’ll Turn Into A Selfish Jerk

Bruce Willis and time travel usually go together like peanut butter and jelly. He was awesome in 12 Monkeys, Looper, and Die Hard IV (did he time travel in Die Hard IV? He surfed a fighter jet, and if that's possible in the Die Hard universe, time travel must be too). But, in Disney's The Kid, a young, fat little version of Bruce Willis travels to the future to tell his older self what a jerk he is, and the older Bruce Willis gets a new lease on life by meeting his former, fatter self. That's it. There's no genetic virus plaguing mankind and no one is trying to kill Hitler or anything, it's just young Bruce Willis telling old Bruce Willis to lighten up. You'd think if the kid was AWARE of his eventual fate as an asshole he'd just donate to charities and do some yoga or something, but apparently it's just easier to let himself become a jerk and then travel 40 years in the future to fix it.



7. You Have To Save April

In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, April foes antiquing and buys random junk for all the turtles and buys Splinter a ancient Japanese artifact. Before she gives it to him, the artifact lights up and zaps April back to to feudal Japan. Without hesitating, they all decide to follow her there and save her. Once they arrive, they immediately lose the time machine and now they have to find both April and the artifact. During one particularly stupid moment of the film, the turtles try to get an angry, retarded blacksmith to build them a new time machine. Everyone is shocked when the new time machine, made of leftover silverware welded together, doesn't work (I would at least expect more from Donatello). Why the turtles are still friends with April is a mystery. Clearly her friendship is more trouble than its worth. She's always getting kidnapped and talking about the TMNT (who are ninjas who live in secret) on the news. At least ONE of the turtles should have floated the idea of leaving her there.



6. You Fall In Love With A Dead Lady

In the film Somewhere In Time, Christopher Reeve falls in love with a picture of a woman from 1912. He becomes so obsessed with this photograph he either must go back in time and meet her, or commit some very serious necrophilia. Thankfully, he chooses the first option and flies around the world, reversing the Earth's orbit and goes back to 1912 to meet the love of his life. In this film, Reeve has no consideration for paradoxes or the fate of the rest of the universe. Just imagine if the space/time continuum was ripped open by every guy who wanted to have sex with Marilyn Monroe or Cleopatra or that sexy lady with the bananas on her head. Our whole universe would collapse!



5. You're Afraid Your Kids Are Going To Turn Into Assholes

Sure, the first time Marty McFly traveled through time was a mistake, and it was excusable. He was driving as fast as he could to get away from Libyan terrorists, and everyone (except Barack Obama) knows how dangerous they can be. But, at the end of Back To The Future, Doc Brown once again decides to risk tearing a hole in time. Why? Because MArty McFly is a lousy dad. Sure, Doc Brown could have just sent him some parenting books via Wester Union to 1985, but instead he risks all of existence just to give Marty a few parenting tips.



4. You Want To Pass History Class

In Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, two slackers travel through time to learn about history rather than do any homework. It's really hard to make fun of this movie, as it's already meant to be a joke, but it couldn't NOT be included in a list of the dumbest reasons to time travel.



3. You're A Dirty Socialist

In the film Time Chasers, pilot Nick Miller finds a way to convert his personal airplane into a time machine. So he decides then to cash in on it and sells the technology to a company called GenCorp. When he travels to the future, Nick is shocked to find out that GenCorp bought his invention to make more money (GASP!). He is angry that time travel isn't used to humanitarian purposes (like when he took his girlfriend to a date to the 1950's, really). So he does every thing he can to sully the name of the evil, job-creating corporation. To stop them from even getting the technology in the first place.



2. You've Run Out Of Things To Hunt

In the incoherent film A Sound Of Thunder, time travel has been invented and is used for commercial means. In this future, Ben Kingsley runs a tourist attraction known as a "Time Safari" where people pay him to bring them to the mesozoic era and hunt dinosaurs. To absolutely no one's surprise, something goes wrong. During an expedition, the hunters are shocked to find out that allosaurus' don't like being shot at and the pissed off dinosaur attacks the hunters. During the struggle, one of the hunters steps on a butterfly which was apparently the key to all existence because when the return to the future, everything is different. Plants are bigger and meaner, DinoApes roam the streets and Ben Kingsley has a full head of hair! Now it's up to the stupid hunters to go back and save the butterfly from its terrible fate.



1. Your Girlfriend Is In A Coma

In Forever Young, Mel Gibson is a pilot whose girlfriend goes into a coma and may die. Now, rather than stay by her bedside or scour the world for a cure, Mel decides he'd much rather cryogenically freeze himself and wake up after she's already dead. Luckily, his alcoholic friend Norm from Cheers has built a cryogenic freezing machine (which he likely built to escape his sizable bar tab) and he lets Mel use it to freeze himself for one year to spare himself the pain. Not surprisingly, Norm forgets about him and he wakes up 53 years later. He soon finds out that his old girlfriend is still alive and he goes to seek her out. Mel finds her, and even though she's not as hot as she used to be, he asks her to marry him. Clearly senile and out of her mind, and they live happily ever after.
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39 Comments
KNIGHT3000 - 10/17/2012, 1:40 PM
LOVE THIS ARTICLE! Am I 1st?
laughterman26 - 10/17/2012, 1:49 PM
yes the reason in bill and ted is stupid. but you just cant hate bill and ted for its illogical reasons
soberchimera - 10/17/2012, 1:54 PM
Have you even seen Time Chasers? He didn't try to stop GenCorp because they used his machine to make money it was because they used it to somehow cause the apocalypse. It had nothing to do with socialism or capitalism.
KNIGHT3000 - 10/17/2012, 2:00 PM
You should also do a "Ten Best Reasons to Time Travel in Film History"
Joe6Pack74 - 10/17/2012, 2:08 PM
Dude this is an awesome article.
Candymanboom - 10/17/2012, 2:14 PM
How about kate and leopold? Well now that I think about it, nevermind that movie was really Good and gave us a Preview of Hero vs villain movie that murdered a Fan favorite character with Cards and another one with swords....... God bless you Hugh Jackson
CaptainObvious - 10/17/2012, 2:14 PM
@Nomis- Was it this?:

Durf - 10/17/2012, 2:15 PM
Great list. Some of these were pretty damn funny to
Durf - 10/17/2012, 2:16 PM
*too
MisterMagurlypse - 10/17/2012, 2:17 PM
LOL! Funny article. Yeah when you put it that way they are some dumb reasons. But, some of them are still good movies.
Durf - 10/17/2012, 2:19 PM
@CaptainObvious: lol, that Robot Chicken thing is gold!
Tainted87 - 10/17/2012, 2:20 PM
Heroes....
Alternate future Peter Petrelli teleports to the past to assassinate his political-savvy brother, Nathan, just before he revealed to the world his ability to fly.

Having been shot and in critical condition, Nathan's biological daughter Claire calls from across the country, wanting to be with him. Future Peter tells Claire to stay put, and she complies.

Alone at home, Claire has a visitor, in the form of the brain-dissecting, telekinetic Sylar, who successfully acquires Claire's regeneration ability - making him immortal. This of course, was the whole reason behind the "save the cheerleader, save the world", as if Sylar got Claire's power, there would be no way to stop him.

Nice job breaking it, hero.
BruceWayneNewton - 10/17/2012, 2:28 PM
I would love to travel back in time and meet Grif before he was so cynical
continuezero - 10/17/2012, 2:41 PM
^^^He's not cynical, he is just mad at life and disappointed he didn't become a CBM director so that he could make CBM's that aren't sh*t. But unfortunately he trolls CBM instead and has daily hate messages from the rest of us that actually find some enjoyment in CBM's.


In reference to the Back to the Future part; "Sure, Doc Brown could have just sent him some parenting books via Wester Union to 1985"....

Umm Doc was in the future and last I checked Western Union didn't deliver into the past. So yes going back was the only option.
kackbratze - 10/17/2012, 2:42 PM
"
You should also do a "Ten Best Reasons to Time Travel in Film History"


Agreed.
JustinMSalvato - 10/17/2012, 3:03 PM
Wow, really dumb, right-wing, post.

McGribble - 10/17/2012, 3:37 PM
Does anyone else find it funny that Christopher Reeves was in two moves that had him fly around the world changing the rotation of the earth and turning back time?

What are the odds? Though I would imagine that is why the Superman saving Lois Lane was not included in the list. Since Reeves already covered that...
Gose - 10/17/2012, 3:47 PM
Kirk, Spook & crews went back to the past to save the EARTH by getting a live whale from the PAST...
angus666 - 10/17/2012, 3:49 PM
Marty's reason isn't because he thinks his kids are assholes. Marty thinks he'll be an asshole, Doc says "You and Jennifer turn out fine. It's your kids Marty! Something's gotta be done about your kids!"

They go back to stop his kid from going out with Grif that night and getting into serious trouble.
TheBeard - 10/17/2012, 3:50 PM
The Back To The Future movies are cinematic perfection. Well 99.9% perfection, the Cubs will not be winning the world series in 2015.
ViperXX79 - 10/17/2012, 4:41 PM
Yeah it's a shame that Clinton didn't take out Bin Laden the first time we were attacked in the 90's. Oh well I guess having a surplus was more important than stopping people from dying.
captainbeta - 10/17/2012, 4:47 PM
Time Bandits to save the world from what was in the microwave!
damntree - 10/17/2012, 5:39 PM
Number 4 is blasphemy!
eleven59 - 10/17/2012, 6:13 PM
Well technically saving the whales and passing history class IS saving the world!! Lol
2gold - 10/17/2012, 6:48 PM
Norm didn't forget him, he died in a fire trying to get him out of the tube in number one. Granted Mel's dang reason was flawed since he STILL would have had to deal with she died. And the whales one, that falls under saving the world from destruction.

And Timecop was the dumbest. Going back in time to rob people to get money to run for President. Seriously, that was the worst.
Shadowelfz - 10/17/2012, 8:27 PM
Dude funny article but do you really need to bring politics into it? You risk alienating others with comments like that... like Romney did with his 47 percent comment :p
DrainBamage - 10/17/2012, 8:32 PM
Can't say I agree with Trek IV being on the list.

Yeah, maybe a bit preachy, but I think traveling back in time to bring back a species that was hunted into extinction (as opposed to dying out naturally) and with the little added bonus of saving the planet wouldn't be such a stupid reason.
Armyshot - 10/17/2012, 8:43 PM
I LOVE the blurb written about the Sound of Thunder, the whole, "apparently allosaurs don't like being shot at, they step on a butterfly, go to the future and everyting's different, now they must go back in time and save that same butterfly" that was hilarious!!! good article!! haha
campblood - 10/17/2012, 9:54 PM
the best thing to come out if time chasers is the MST3K episode that features it
CPBuff22 - 10/17/2012, 10:09 PM
@TheBeard Never say never, 2015 is still three years from now... three years ago did you think the Tigers would be one game away from sweeping the Yankees & clinching a World Series birth with in the next couple years?
ScabbyJ - 10/17/2012, 10:28 PM
What @JustinSalvato said.

Those are ALL really good reasons to time travel, and on top of that, those are all good movies.

poor taste yo. poor taste.
SuperSomething616 - 10/18/2012, 2:19 AM
Ba da Ba Ba da Ba...SUPERMAN!!!
StrangerX - 10/18/2012, 5:45 AM
It may have been a stupid reason, but Back To The Future was a great movie.
DrainBamage - 10/18/2012, 6:11 AM
@StrangerX I think he was referring to part II.
Show4God1 - 10/18/2012, 6:32 AM
I disagree with most of the things listed here.
BRandom - 10/18/2012, 7:33 AM
I agree with most of these, But Bill and Ted get a free pass bc they Effing rock!
AC1 - 10/18/2012, 8:50 AM
Actually, Bill And Ted time traveled because their music was destined to ignite an age of world peace, but their band would've been split up if they failed their history project because Ted's dad was going to send him off to boarding school. If the band would never have made their music, world peace would never have been achieved, and the future would have been bleak.

That's a [frick]ing awesome reason to time travel, they weren't doing it just for the history project, it was to save the future by doing their history project. God...
AC1 - 10/18/2012, 8:53 AM
Back to the Future Parts 1 and 3 are awesome, but Back to the Future Part 2 is only good while they're in 2015 at the beginning, and then at the end back in 1955 when Marty gets the letter from Doc.
abw2 - 10/18/2012, 4:10 PM

I, actually, agree, with the people who have mentioned this all ready, that Kirk and his crew's reason(s) for going back in time were not, really, dumb. I, actually, that there was some intellectual reasoning behind just the very moral and/or concept of the story for Star Trek: IV, ya know? *cool*/P :)

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