TOP 10: Lamest T-Rexes Of All Time

Tyrannosaurus Rex is the king of the dinosaurs and just about the most badass creature to ever walk the earth. Though some representations of the creature don't quite measure up. Here's the ten lamest of all time.

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By Brian VanHooker - 10/24/2012


10. Tyrannosaurus Rex in "Jurassic Park III"

There is nothing inherently wrong with the T-Rex from "Jurassic Park III." He's big, he's mean and he eats people. All of the things the tyrannosaurs had in the first two films are present here, but this tyrannosaur ends up on this list for one reason: he's killed in the lamest way possible. First of all, no one wants to see the T-Rex die in a Jurassic Park film, and, if he did die, you'd hope it'd be something cool like a bunch of raptors gang up on him with an elaborate plan or a triceratops stabs him through the heart, but in "Jurassic Park III," the T-Rex dies in a fight with a spinosaurus. That's right, the lowly spinosaurus. In the sequel's feeble attempt to make a bigger, badder dinosaur, they double the size of a spinosaur and have him defeat the T-Rex. And, not only does he beat the T-Rex, but he beats him in the most impractical way to ever conceived: he snaps his neck. Now, a T-Rex's neck is HUGE. It's one of the strongest muscles in his body. Yet, somehow, some second-rate carnivore with a fin on his back can jut grab his neck and snap it like a twig. Making the T-Rex in Jurassic Park III a pretty lame excuse for the King-of-the Dinosaurs.



9. Roy Hess

In the sitcom "Dinosaurs," Earl's best friend is a hapless, dopey Tyrannosaur named Roy Hess. Now, no one expects any T-Rex to be that bright with the brain the size of a walnut, but we at least expect them to be tough, and Roy is anything but intimidating. He's friendly, good-natured and is often seen wearing a Hawaiian shirt, officially the least intimidating of all t-shirts. He's also a coward, regularly taking crap from his boss, a triceratops. Finally, I'm not sure what kind of dinosaur Earl is, but with a diet that consists of beer, donuts and small mammals, I'm guessing he's an omnivore. Anyway, never in the four-year run of the show did Roy ever try to eat him or any other member of the Sinclair family. Not even the plump little baby! In fact the baby even hits him with a frying pan a few times and he does nothing about it!



8. This Guy

Why the hell would a Tyrannosaurus Rex ever wish someone a happy birthday? Lame.



7. Rex from "We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story"

"We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story" starts out in a way that immediately establishes the main character, Rex, as a pretty lame Tyrannosaurus Rex. He is golfing in the film's opening scene when he soon befriends a lovable little bluebird. He then goes on to tell his life story about how he became a peaceful T-Rex… Yeah, not very promising for a carnivore. The story begins millions of years in the past, when an alien goes back to the dinosaur era and scoops up Rex and a few other dinosaurs and turns them into smart, cuddly creatures. The alien then brings them to 1996 and lets them loose. Rex soon befriends a small boy (who he does NOT try to eat) and helps him get a girlfriend. Throughout his adventures in the film, Rex also surfs on a pickup truck and pretends to be a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The latter of which is truly the biggest missed opportunity in the film. Remember the awesome ending of "The Lost World: Jurassic Park," where the T-Rex terrorized San Diego? Just imagine that but instead of eating people and tearing shit apart, the T-Rex just sang and danced with children.



6. T-Rex from "King Kong"

I know, I know, it's really unfair to count the Tyrannosaurus Rex on Skull Island in the original "King Kong" movie. It was breakthrough for the time, and yes, it is very impressive stop-motion animation, and if you consider all of the limitations that Merion Cooper had back in 1933 you have to admire what was accomplished. But, that doesn't change the fact that it just looks like a big pile of Play-Doh and it's very hard to be afraid of something when you just imagine a giant toddler is going to come on screen and eat the thing.



5. Chomper

In "The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure" (the first of about 40 sequels in this series), the lovable gang of leafeaters finds a dinosaur egg. Even though they're just babies themselves, they decide to care for it until it hatches. Much to their surprise, when the egg hatches, a dreaded sharptooth is inside! But they soon find out he's just a baby and a nice sharptooth because they had cared for the egg. It's kind of like Horton and the Egg, except when the egg hatches, the baby isn't an elephant, he just turns into a little wuss like the other dinosaurs in these films. So Littlefoot names the baby Chomper and decides to raise him like a leafeater. Throughout the film, there are countless opportunities in this film for Chomper to lash out and attack the other dinosaurs, but he only takes a little bite out of the triceratops, everyone gets mad at hims and then he starts crying. Now, at the end of the movie, Chomper is returned to his parents, so you'd think there's hope for him to still turn into a really badass T-Rex, but in "The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island," he returns and saves all the leafeaters from a volcano. It's amazing how just a few days with the leafeaters would scar him forever.



4. Times Square Toys "R" Us T-Rex

In the Toys "R" Us in Times Square, New York City, there is an exact replica of the T-Rex from "Jurassic Park." Now this Tyrannosaur may look scary, but it hardly measures up to the ferocious beast it is intended to be. First of all, this thing sits in the middle of a toy store all day long, surrounded by plenty of plump little children ready to be eaten up. But does this T-Rex do anything? No! He just stands there and poses for pictures. Sure, he jerks his head around and growls and even lets out the occasional roar, but he never moves an inch and kids can walk right up to him without fear of retribution. I myself have gone to this Toys "R" Us many times just to see if I could get a rise out of him. I've mooned him, shouted insults at the ugly beast and thrown beer bottles at his head, and he just acts like I'm not even there. The most he ever does is signal security to escort me out of the building, so he can't even fight his own battles when being attacked! Surely tourists visiting New York deserve a better representation of the greatest killing machine to ever walk the planet.



3. Theodore Rex

In the 1996 direct-to-video monstrosity known as "Theodore Rex," Whoopi Goldberg is a smart-alecky cop in the future who has just gotten a new partner, a bumbling, sneaker-wearing tyrannosaur named Theodore Rex. Paramount spent $35 million on this film, screened it several times, then decided it was so bad it could never be shown in theaters, which gives you at least some idea of how lame Theodore Rex is. Theodore Rex is an excitable, needy tyrannosaur who loves to dress up (an actual part of the story is him going undercover). He also does really horrible accents and impressions while fighting crime, which makes this already unbearable film even more annoying. He also loves to eat milk and cookies. Yup, not humans or leafeaters or anything with flesh on it at all, just milk and cookies. If you haven't seen "Theodore Rex," don't seek it out for the sake of curiosity. You can't un-see what you will see. Just trust me that this film makes Howard the Duck look awesome and that "Theodore Rex" is of the most ill-conceived ideas ever in the history of fiction.



2. Rex from "Toy Story"

He's nine inches tall, weighs less than a pound and made of cheap plastic, but none of these reasons are why he's one of the lamest Tyrannosaurs. Rex is just a wimp. He's neurotic, insecure and often bullied by a potato. This T-Rex has a serious inferiority complex; no tyrannosaur should ever have the catchphrase, "I don't think I could take that Kind of rejection!" Sure, we all love Rex, but as far as T-Rex's go, he's hardly the ferocious beast that he tries so hard to be.



1. Barney

Could any other T-Rex really have topped this list? He's cute, he's cuddly, he's purple and his teeth aren't even sharp! Ever since Barney first appeared in 1992, he's been hugging children and teaching them lessons about sharing and kindness and all that mushy stuff. Any other T-Rex would have eaten those kids the first time they wandered into the schoolyard, but the lovable Barney befriends all of them, passing up every opportunity to dismember them and eat them alive. Worst of all, he sings! And not cool, Johnny Cash stuff, but rather sweet songs about hugs and flossing and cleaning up your bedroom. Even if Barney snapped one day and gave into his dinosaur instincts, he probably couldn't do anything anyway. He's overweight, slow moving and it appears as though his jaw can't even really move. This Tyrannosaur is clearly the biggest disgrace in the history of the species.
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74 Comments
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Moriarty117 - 10/24/2012, 7:36 PM
...huh

I mean, yeah go ahead and write an editorial on T-Rexes. Expect people to care? Don't think so.
TheRaven20 - 10/24/2012, 7:36 PM
I have no problem with this article, but why is it on the main?
Tymminator - 10/24/2012, 7:36 PM
LoL, I got a kick from this.
FlixMentallo21 - 10/24/2012, 7:37 PM
JDUKE25 - 10/24/2012, 7:38 PM
Umm.......

wtf gif Pictures, Images and Photos
NerdReviews - 10/24/2012, 7:39 PM
This may be irrelevant to the entire purpose of this site...BUT it was REALLLLYLYYYYYYY funny!!
KalEl26 - 10/24/2012, 7:40 PM
why is this on CBM at all???
KelvTwelve - 10/24/2012, 7:41 PM
10/10 ARTICLE
BlueDemon - 10/24/2012, 7:45 PM
I've seen better articles not get on main
jaybear - 10/24/2012, 7:47 PM
i'm sure you'll also do great with "Top Ten Worst Vampires".. make it so, dude!
Minato - 10/24/2012, 7:54 PM
Not a bad list and I agree with all of it. Good job thinking outside the box.
nonserviam - 10/24/2012, 7:56 PM
How the mother of all Fs is this on the front page???
MARV3L - 10/24/2012, 7:56 PM
I agree with all of them but Rex from Toy Story, he is awesome! You should do a ten best T-Rex list, I'd like to see who is No.1
jessepostal - 10/24/2012, 7:56 PM
Rex from toy story does not belong on this list :)
Raptor055 - 10/24/2012, 7:58 PM
"That's right, the lowly spinosaurus. In the sequel's feeble attempt to make a bigger, badder dinosaur, they double the size of a spinosaur and have him defeat the T-Rex"

Spinosaurus was significantly larger than a T. rex. Do your research.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Largesttheropods.png
Raptor055 - 10/24/2012, 7:58 PM
It's actually one of the few things Jurassic Park got right
sianirudh94 - 10/24/2012, 8:00 PM
Wow, you have too much free time, bro!
Jaspion - 10/24/2012, 8:01 PM
You know T-Rex probably wasn't a predator, right?
xRelentlessx - 10/24/2012, 8:01 PM
..........
theInvincibleMexiMan - 10/24/2012, 8:05 PM
even though I'm not sure how this is relevant to the site...

I totally agree with you on the JP3 thing, even though as the Spinosaurus WAS actually really large (as someone else mentioned above), I always felt like he was lame compared to the T-Rex. I couldnt believed that they turned the badass T-Rex from the first two movies into such a bitch in the third one.

poop23 - 10/24/2012, 8:05 PM
Ok, I agree on Jurassic Park III and that birthday card. But Roy is awesome, just living in a society where its acceptable for one to bite off another's head is badass alone. The NY dinosaur one and Rex are awesome as well
luckylu - 10/24/2012, 8:11 PM
this was really funny. i was laughing all the way through. nice job man
angus666 - 10/24/2012, 8:12 PM
You do that in a Toys R Us? Ass.

@Jaspion That's completely wrong. There are multitudes of evidence that prove that it was a predator. It was the top predator of it's time, and the top predator ever to exist on this Earth.
DoctorDoak - 10/24/2012, 8:12 PM
@Brian VanHooker: This whole thing was actually a funny read. I look forward to seeing more of your articles.
Mossyrock - 10/24/2012, 8:18 PM
What the flying phuck is this doing on the front page?!?
Mossyrock - 10/24/2012, 8:18 PM
Aside from the museum chick, of course....
SmokinIndo - 10/24/2012, 8:19 PM
@Jaspian

Yup. Because a giant therapod with with one of the strongest bites in the world would spend all day scavenging for food. Gimme a break.
DrainBamage - 10/24/2012, 8:20 PM
jjk2814 - 10/24/2012, 8:21 PM
I knew this would get a couple questions of relevancy...but c'mon guys, isn't this a nice break from "Justice League" Editorials.

I liked this, wouldn't mind more oddball articles like this.

God...I hate Jurassic Park III.
jjk2814 - 10/24/2012, 8:24 PM
And hey, Jurassic Park and King Kong both have comics...so...maybe we got a case for this...
ATrueHero1987 - 10/24/2012, 8:25 PM
LMAOOOOO!!! This article so [frick]in random.lol
Supes17 - 10/24/2012, 8:28 PM
Actually, Spinosaurus was bigger than T. Rex
Some scientists have estimated that they could grow to be 45-55 ft. in length

T.Rex-40-45 ft
Destroyer14 - 10/24/2012, 8:28 PM
The heck? Spinosaurus is larger than a T-Rex. It could very well beat it.

Besides that, fun article.
FirstAvenger - 10/24/2012, 8:28 PM
That was hilarious, Barney is a T-Rex? you learn something new everyday.
DioFoRio - 10/24/2012, 8:36 PM
recent scientific discoveries have now stated what they thought were T-rex arms are actually really phugged up titties.
D117 - 10/24/2012, 8:36 PM
This was hilarious, don't agree about Rex though he isn't lame at all.
RorMachine - 10/24/2012, 8:37 PM
I have no idea what this is doing on here either..but I laughed quite a bit so kudos:)

LEVITIKUZ, wanna be a trusted user eh? Let me give you a piece of advice - don't pick fights with one of out most established editors in the comments section..not the smartest of moves ya know?
D117 - 10/24/2012, 8:41 PM
Wait if this article didn't get any thumbs up, how did it get on main?
Rhys - 10/24/2012, 8:42 PM
F*ck this, Chomper is awesome.



:D
kalel94 - 10/24/2012, 8:45 PM
Hmm... I just checked my calendar... Not April 1st... I am so confused as to why this is on the front page of a comic book movie site...
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