Help Wanted: Comic Book Classifieds

Looking for an exciting new career? There are openings at The Daily Bugle, The Daily Planet, Planet Express, Mifune Motors and even HYDRA. Inquire within!

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By Brian VanHooker - 11/14/2012
Help Wanted: Comic Book Classifieds
by
Brian VanHooker
Turtle with Lemonade Productions
www.turtlewithlemonade.com



Bouncer at the Mos Eisley Cantina

Bouncer needed for Chalmun’s Cantina in Mos Eisley, Tatooine. Applicants must be strong enough to break up fist fights and lightsaber battles. Will be expected to throw out troublemaking Tusken Raiders, soliciting Jawas and patrons not buying drinks quickly enough. Bouncers must also have a keen eye, as they will be expected to serve as arbiter in “who shot first” scenarios. Must be comfortable working in the desert under two suns. Should be comfortable around all races and species, the Cantina does not discriminate. No droids need apply.



Daily Planet Reporter

Great Caesar’s Ghost, there’s an opening at the Daily Planet! Looking to fill a recently vacated position, replacing a reporter who had been with the company over 70 years. Applicants must have a keen eye for hard-hitting stories but also be easily fooled by simple disguises. They must be willing to be put into harm’s way for the sake of a story. You will be learning under the legendary editor Perry White, but please don’t call him “Chief.” The position offers flexible hours, you are free to come and go as you please, so feel free to leave in a hurry if a meteor is hurtling towards earth or an alien threatens humanity. You are also welcome to fake your own death and reappear months later. Your job will still be there waiting for you. Now that’s job security!



Human Friend to the Autobots

Looking to fill a recently vacated position. No experience necessary. No skill-set necessary. Human sidekicks get to drive cool cars, though must be quick to exit them before transformations. Applicants should also be alert and careful not to be squished. Will be expected to teach transformers valuable facts about human culture, like slang terms and how to pick up chicks. Must be willing to recite poorly-written dialogue for long periods of time. Must be comfortable having missiles fired at you by evil aliens robots. Should be easily kidnappable.



Lab Assistant for Muppet Labs

Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, is seeking a full-time lab assistant who will work for edible paper clips. Assistant will be testing exciting new inventions created by the world-renowned Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, inventor of the Gorilla Detector and the Banana Sharpener. Must be willing to be shrunk, cloned, exploded and have your head turned into a pumpkin. Applicants' noses should be removable. Ability to harmonize with clones of yourself is a plus, but not required. Must provide your own uniform of lab coat and stripy socks. Applicants must be flammable.



Crime-Fighting Sidekick

A Gotham City crime fighter is seeking out young male orphans with childhood trauma to be his new sidekick. Candidates must be athletic, observant and willing to work nights. Applicants will be put through rigorous training, then sent into harm's way in bad neighborhoods. Must not be superstitious or cowardly. Should be comfortable with getting shot at and hit with crow bars. Free room and board is provided in a luxurious Gotham City landmark, but please do not touch the car. Must be comfortable in spandex and short pants(no gay jokes please).



Teachers at the Xavier Institute

The renowned psychologist Dr. Charles Xavier is seeking professors to teach at his school for gifted youngsters. Teachers are expected to educate the children, recognize their individual needs and be willing to save the world at a moment’s notice. Will need to be patient with students who may freeze you, burn you or slice off your body parts. Must also be willing to assist in rebuilding the school when it’s blown up every few years. Applicants should be comfortable around those who are different. Those prone to fear and hatred need not apply.



Delivery Personnel for Planet Express

Good news everyone! There are now new openings for delivery personnel aboard the Planet Express ship! No experience necessary. Explore black holes and uncharted space while delivering packages across the cosmos. Applicants should be willing to complete tasks without explanation and should not inquire as to what happened to the previous crew(s). Pay will be minimum wage, as much of the company’s profits go to fund exciting new inventions like the Fing Longer and the Smell-O-Scope.



Driver needed for the Mach 5 Race Car

The Mifune Motor Company is seeking a new driver for the Mach 5 race car. The Mach 5 is a state-of-the-art racing machine featuring amphibious capabilities and heavy firepower. Applicants must be cool under pressure and have lightning-fast response time. Will compete in races on a daily basis, and will need to continue racing under gunfire and disaster scenarios. Should be comfortable around monkeys and okay with fat old guys yelling at you. Drivers must master the art of talking out of sync with one’s own mouth.



Freelance Photographers needed for The Daily Bugle

Earn money freelancing for one of New York City’s most trusted news sources. We are especially interested in photos of the dangerous vigilante known as Spider-Man. Spider-Man has proven to be a menace to the citizens of New York and The Daily Bugle needs your help to bring him down. All incriminating pictures of the web-slinging criminal will be considered. Get pictures of him destroying public property and receive a cash bonus. You may even get on the front page. Applicants must be willing to work on an as-needed basis and may be subjected to verbal abuse.



HYDRA Agent

Seeking Arian men who wish to serve the cause of global domination. HYDRA is a top-secret organization and members must learn to be subversive and gain trust of enemies with ease. Must also be willing to give your life to the cause, all HYDRA members will be required to carry a cyanide pill with them at all times and swallow it upon being apprehended. Speaking German is not required but preferred. HYDRA members must also not stare at the disfigured face of the HYDRA leader, he’s very sensitive about that. Also, HYDRA members who are beheaded in battle are not guaranteed to get two new heads in its place. It is just a slogan.
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16 Comments
faceeraser44 - 11/14/2012, 12:27 AM
first!!
astromerc - 11/14/2012, 12:37 AM
What is this again?
Equivocal - 11/14/2012, 1:06 AM
3rd !!!!!
technodrome518 - 11/14/2012, 1:36 AM
I'd like to be a teacher at Xavier's school for the gifted. I could teach the students how to sleep for 12 hours.
t2jax - 11/14/2012, 3:22 AM
"It's just a slogan" LMAO
ZombieOverEasy - 11/14/2012, 4:43 AM
Hey you guys might laugh, but my buddy Bob used to work for Hydra and he says the medical/dental plan is one of the best.
marvel72 - 11/14/2012, 4:50 AM
at the xavier institute i would teach the kids sex education.with practical lessons taken by emma frost & i.

"today's lesson oral sex,miss frost & i will now demonstrate how to give oral sex". :P
Dusk - 11/14/2012, 5:15 AM
8th!!!!
Super12 - 11/14/2012, 5:55 AM
Ha, I wanna see more of these in the future. Reminds me of a Collegehumor article
Durango95 - 11/14/2012, 7:06 AM
Hydra has dental?!
pepe - 11/14/2012, 7:16 AM
unnecessary aricle... Realy!!!!
SirJediFrank - 11/14/2012, 10:04 AM
GALACTUS: i don´t get it. You said this CBM Classifieds were supposed to be a place where we all could trade comic related stuff... so, what the $"% is this?
SirJediFrank - 11/14/2012, 10:06 AM
Funny article anyway.. ;-)
Shadowelfz - 11/14/2012, 10:29 AM
Somehow I knew this was going to be a Brian VanHooker article. I was right.
WruceBane - 11/14/2012, 11:28 AM
this is stupid.
TeeDeeHaaaay - 11/14/2012, 2:15 PM
I don't want to see more of these in the future, they remind me of a college humor article...

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