A satiracle look at what a Captain America movie might be like, if it starred Matt Damon, and had creative input from him and his anti-American buddies (This is satire folks, no offense intended).
Steve Rogers is a frail, weak young patriot who is unable to serve in the United States armed forces because of this. However, after repeated attempts at enlistment, he is offered the chance to be part of "Operation Super Soldier" where is is enhanced physically to the point of near human-perfection as a living weapon and living symbol of liberty.
Fitted with an adamantium shield and the glorious colors of the American Flag, Captain America engages Nazi foes in battle and single-handedly puts a dent in German forces. While initially pleased with his performance, President Truman begins having problems handling the young soldier when he faces criticism for his administrative decisions. This culminates when Truman considers dropping the atomic bomb on Japan instead of invading with soldiers which would inevitably cost tens of thousands of American lives. It is at this point that Captain America calls him a "cowardly traitor" and threatens his life. Nick Fury arrives to subdue Cap who swears that Truman and his cabinet are anti-American scum.
Fearing that the rest of the world would realize what Cap had, that evil forces had corrupted America, Cap was to be executed by Russians-holding him in Siberia-who would then dissect his body from which they hoped to creat their own super-soldier. However Cap manages to escape his prison and stumbles through the freezing landscape, finally sucumbing to sub-zero temperatures and going into suspended animation. President Truman declares that Cap was killed by Nazi spies and sealed all documents on the Star-Spangled Avenger.
70 years later, the president asks Iron Man, aka Tony Stark to search the frozen wasteland for the fallen patriot, having heard rumors and legends that Sibera was actually Cap's resting place. Tony (now played by Ben Affleck as Robert Downey Jr. is uncomfortable with the strange new take on Cap mythos) succeeds in finding Rogers who still looks to be in his thirties. Much to the amazment of the American scientists who are studying what they believe to be a corpse, Captain America is revived and regains full health.
The White House holds a party for him at the White House and has among other guests fellow war hero Sen. John McCain. After a brief discussion with McCain Captain America begins to scowl and shout at the aged war-hero who tries to calm the excited Captain America down, but it's no use as Cap strikes the senator, knocking him to the ground before shouting "Capitolist Pig! You disgrace America!" Several feet behind him far left politicians smile evily. They instruct the Secret Service to remove Senator McCain and toss him onto the White House lawn.
The rest of the party-goers cheer as Cap beats his chest and howls as he licks the blood from the back of his hand. The next day, White House Speaker Robert Gibbs is asked about the incident to which he replies "Well, it looks like the old man (McCain) mouthed off one too many times and Captain America had to do something about it." The nation is stunned, but reassured by various far left and socialist or communist politicians who expalin that this is how men from Captain America's time deal with "dirty traitors".
In the following days, Captain America leads the Secret Service in a raid on Former Governor Sarah Palin's house, arresting Mrs. Palin, her husband, and all of her kids before whisking them away to a secret prison. Rush Limbaugh is about to address this on-air that afternoon on his radio show, but is interupted by Cap who breaks through the rough and beats the pudgy radio personalityover the head with a pipe the head, and then his assistant Snurdly too, before arresting them both. Finally a scared Sean Hannity is about to air his Fox News Show "Hannity" that night, but immediately after cameras roll and Hannity begins to say "the far-left is taking over ladies and gent..." Captain America's shield comes flying in from off-screen and into the side of Hannity's head. Cap's cronies drag the unconscious TV personality off the air as Cap grabs the microphone and menacingly stares into the camera saying "Broadcast-Terminated!"
The following hour O'Reilly is on and Cap again arrives, this time without violence. He calmly walks on the set and in front of Bill O'Reilly saying "You've apparently toned down your treaterous views lately Mr. O'Reilly...the far-left will spare you for this," and then walks away. O'Reilly wets himself and passes out, with cameras rolling. In the following months, all opponents of the far left are arrested, followed by all registered Republicans, wealthy people, SUV owners, and anyone who didn't believe in global warming. The prisoners in Gitmo are freed and pardoned and all of the folks Captain America arrested are placed inside the Cuban Prison instead. The terrorists who Cap freed are given the homes of the Republicans, SUV owners, deniers of global warming and wealthy people.
Soon Captain America holds a press conference and announces to the world that he is going on his OWN apology tour, starting with Iran, where he is going to go apologize to the Prime Minister for America's imperialistic ways, and then will GIVE him enriched uranium. He will then do the same in North Korea. More and more Americans are alarmed by this but are arrested if they speak out. A new ammendment to the constitution is passed to make the name of the United States of America is changed to the United Socialist States of America.
The final scene is Captain America holding a communist-version of the flag as the sun sets behind him. In writing the final message appears: "The preceding is not true...it's what SHOULD BE TRUE. It is widely speculated that supposed "heroes" like John McCain, and Ronald Reagen were actually communists working for the Red Skull...aka Harry Truman. It is further believed that Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and many others are STILL working for the Red Skull. In a perfect world, there would be a "Captain America" to deal with these threats...but this is not a pefect world...and the task is YOURS."
Matt Damon subsequently wins the Academy Award and then is given the Nobel Peace Prize shortly after. Strangely enough, Fox News goes under in the following months and Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh go into hiding.
image from google and photobucket
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TheDurkinKnight
11/29/2009
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